There can be such loneliness in togetherness. I imagine that those couples who decide to get divorced after 20+ years together best understand this sentiment. When there is no one and nothing left to justify the lack of communication, lack of interest in trying to be heard, lack of trying to be a unit, then it seems logical that one might prefer to be on their own and, possibly, reopen the door for someone else to fit into the space of companionship. For, at the end of the day, it’s not just about fulfilling physical needs that keeps a couple together after the initial newness in animalistic satisfaction wears off.
Despite my own partner’s claims that men are easily contented if their sexual urges are satisfied, and the need for intellectual stimulation is less important, I argue that this is a naive and overly simplistic way of defining what it means to be a life partner.
Obviously, this is a generalization on his part because intellectual stimulation is a do or die requirement for both of us.
Still, the way that we go about making an effort with one another can often feel unsatisfying from my perspective. As one approaching menopause, sex is of less frequent interest and a desire to be seen, heard and appreciated is on the increase. Thus, my intellectual stimulation threshold is much higher, but I have recently felt that has gone unnoticed, unacknowledged, and most definitely unaddressed.
Perhaps, it is more about the isolated lifestyle that we have undertaken than about our relationship. After all, we are indeed very much in love and have a generally enviable partnership (so don’t fret!). Still, I often feel isolated and alone.
There is no one to whom I can complain about our financial situation, his decision-making as it affects me/us, or the general challenge of being with someone whose work is a constant roller coaster. Actually, to be fair, there are people with whom I can share, but no one really wants or needs to hear my complaints as it can sound spoiled or too “first-world” problem-y to be taken seriously.
Thus, I am alone in my thoughts and angst much of the time.
One might wonder why or how I can be this way, but that’s not really the point, is it? It is how I feel. It is my reality. Ultimately, it is also up to me to sort it out, cope, and get to the other side.
Still, it doesn’t make it easier nor less isolating.
So, I am sliding into this dip in my mood and taking the moments to nap, read as an escape, and wait for the next high wave 💪🏽 to ride on back into a “life is wonderful and grand” mentality. Wish me luck! 🤪
Humans are a strange breed of creatures that despite their ability to self-reflect and capacity for advanced cognitive activity tend to not behave much better than animals in packs. Humanity as a whole, when collectively-minded, have the awe-inspiring capacity to achieve greatness beyond the imagination. I mean, the temples and tombs of Luxor and Aswan are proof of this – unless you believe it was aliens.
Yet, whenever new social circles are created there is always the sniffing of butts, tests of the masculine energies (applies to women and men), and dancing around each other to find their positioning in the matrix of newly formed threads that connect us with each other. Observing this ritual from the sidelines is always entertaining and sometimes frustrating.
The past week gave me a great deal to ponder and process as I was forced to interact with both familiar and unfamiliar humans.
So, I will save my revelations for another post as I am still in the processing phase, but now that I know I will have a period of time to regroup I imagine the thoughts shall be flowing in no time. 😀
My introversion has been fully challenged the past week or so. I can hardly believe we are already a week into June and I’ve had no time for introspection or a moment to pause and replenish. Well, to be fair, I’ve escaped our house full of guests periodically with morning pool dips or afternoon naps. However, an introvert does not so easily recover with brief moments of solitude. So, today, I’ve taken the majority of the morning and early afternoon to escape to my happy place under the auspice of having a meeting with a friend to discuss a new venture in Orvieto town center – more on that in a later post.
It was actually great to catch up with my friend, but now that our meeting is finished, I’m taking the opportunity to give myself time and space to reflect on the interactions of the past week or so being forced to be amongst others full-time.
Long-time readers, friends, and acquaintances will know that I’m no lover of people. It goes beyond my introversion into a full cynicism of individuals. While I believe in the absolute amazing power of mankind to achieve greatness and be inspirational humans, I doubt most individuals’ ambition, interest, and intention to work toward this. So, my general belief in people as arseholes at the start keeps me from too much disappointment when they prove me right, and allows for pleasant surprise when I am wrong.
A common revelation of a person is in their communications and interactions when amongst new people.
There are the deflectors – those who answer a question with a question because they don’t really want to talk about themselves. This is either from a lack of confidence or a sense of humility presented in not wanting to focus attention on them.
There are the inquisitors – similar to the deflectors, but just start off asking questions of others to keep the conversation away from them, but seeming to be good listeners or showing keen interest in others. Their motives may be sincere interest, or like those above.
There are the ideal conversationalists, who equally ask and answer questions like one might see in the best Wimbledon finale allowing conversation to grow and the art of getting to know others is like watching a beautiful dance performance.
Then, there are the one-man shows – those who share absolutely everything they possibly can whether or not anyone asks them to reveal their opinions or tell tales of their experiences. Not to be a gender-ist, but this is more often than not done by men. No matter the gender identity, the fact is that this kind of person tends to be more common than not.
What is even more interesting to me is when a deflecting inquisitor, like my husband, questions or challenges the one-man show performer. Their response is often what chips away the facade to show who they really are as a person. No matter how old the person is, which we would normally expect to be a sign of maturity, they cannot help but reveal their true colors and level of self-awareness.
We recently had an older individual stay with us. Our judgement of this person had already been slightly colored by a mutual friend providing us with some prior knowledge and information. Still, I did try -somewhat schizophrenically – to give them the benefit of the doubt. However, time and time again it became obvious that this human was not self-aware even though they had 20+ years more of life on me and others. Therefore, responses were often overly embellished or arrogantly hidden with retorts eventually at the level of a high schooler or young 20-something.
This really surprised me, to be honest.
It proved that age does not matter. It is not necessarily the length of time that we walk this earth that helps us to grow and understand the world, but rather the depth in which we allow ourselves to be challenged to learn and improve our quality of lives.
Confirming this doesn’t help my cynicism, admittedly. However, it does add to my understanding of the complex dimensions that make up a human being. While I will still endeavor to respect my elders in the same way I try to respect other people, I also feel as if a new scale of judgment has come into the forefront – how self aware are they?
With the average lifespan of a woman being about 81.1 years according to 2020 stats, I’m more than halfway through my walk on earth. However, I consider myself good to at least 90 or so; therefore, I shall call this year mid-life.
There’s no crisis in thought like there was around my 40th when M mentioned that I had another 40 years to go. The past five years have given me perspective with the last two or so really providing me the ability to appreciate my life so far.
Someone told me recently that I must feel so wise and experienced compared to others after I had given her a brief on how I’ve spent my adult life so far and the choices, either made for me or by me, that led me to where I am today. I replied that it is not a hierarchy or about comparing. We are all handed a certain deck and it’s all about how we play them, which can be somewhat based on luck of circumstances as well as how we create our own realities.
For me, I’m certain I was born with my stubborn streak. My baby “resting bitch face” pretty much makes that clear. 😬
My “luck” was that I was provided with influences early on in life that weren’t what one would consider to be the most positive, so my stubborn streak guided me toward being “good”. After all, I have been told my Korean name “Sun Hui” means “good girl”. However, the truth is that I could have just as easily gone the other way had I not been naturally inclined to contrariness. 🤪
In any case, I sit today in pure contentment with my life. As I write, there is a soft breeze blowing in the perfectly tempered sunny afternoon of southern France. I spent the day by the pool in the company of my love 😍 at the easy pace of zero expectation. After a week full of activity and birthday celebrations that started early due to plans that remain fluid, as always, it has been an amazing day of quiet 🤫.
The thing is, upon reflection, it has not been an easy journey to get to this place of peace and calm (and continues to be a daily balancing act). While I am very grateful for the ability to lead the life we lead, I do not underestimate or devalue my own participation in creating the lifestyle of my dreams.
It hasn’t been all sunshine ☀️ and champagne 🍾 .
When I hear others talk about the things they want in life or envy the life I have, but are in the next breath unwilling to sacrifice, compromise, or persist in the activities and mindset required to make their hopes and dreams a reality, I am dismayed and disappointed. We are all fully capable of creating the kind of world we want to live in. It is easy to complain or give excuses or blame others for the reasons why we aren’t living the life that we want, but an honest look at ourselves will probably reveal the unwanted truth of our own responsibility, fear, and laziness in why we are discontent. We need to own that truth and decide what we want to do about it.
One thing I have never fully been able to understand is the mentality that many I have come across in my life hold of the world owing us something. Sometimes, that ‘world’ is attributed to parents or friends or people of our past. Although we are beholden to others when we are children, as adults all of that responsibility becomes our own. Dwelling in the what-ifs or finger-pointing is a complete cop-out to me. Every one of us (in the fairly privileged first and second worlds at least) have the ability to change our lives.
If we want to have more money, then we have two choices – change our jobs or work more jobs. If we want to have more free time, then we have two choices – accept having less money or make more money to provide the ability to work less. Whatever it is we want, there are basically two choices – do something about it so that we can have it or accept that we don’t/can’t have it.
No one else is responsible for those choices or wants. Once we have our basic needs met, everything else is on us.
This is how I have led my life.
I didn’t want to stay in Oregon after finishing university because I realized there was a whole world out there I knew nothing about. I hated Japan when I visited, but my options at the time were to go back to Japan or stay in Oregon. I didn’t want to continue being married to the man I had committed to after realizing that he wasn’t going to be husband I deserved. I hated the thought of divorce, but I hated the thought of living life being miserable even more. I didn’t want to become an English language educator because I had imagined a different career. However, I wanted to travel and I didn’t necessarily want to spend more than a couple of years training or working my way up to be able to travel and see the world as I have. I didn’t necessarily want to get married again because a legal document does not make a committed relationship. Yet, upon finding the person I could see myself growing old happily with, I preferred to compromise than be alone or in less contented relationships in the future.
Life could easily have been different. It is not hard to justify an argument that I entered life with a rough start. It would have been easy enough to blame my birth mother, my temporary families that abused and traumatized me, my seemingly unlucky start to life. I could have taken a different road and view of the world. However, thanks to my stubbornness and a bit of lucky elements I have survived and worked very hard for this 45th birthday of contentment.
One of the tenants of the life coaching principles that I learned was that we have to hold people as whole and capable.
Based on the belief that all individuals are whole, capable individuals, coaching assumes the client is expert, able to determine what is best for their lives and the coach works along with them to maximize their personal and professional potentials, to close the gaps to create extraordinary lives.
If we apply this belief to every person, then it negates the need to nag at them or worry about follow-through. The more that we hold people in this way, the more trust we build with one another. When we trust one another, we can communicate openly and honestly. This way of communicating leads to the development of agape love.
I have been listening to _Radical Dharma_ and finding that there is much to learn in our interactions with others.
This basis of agape in our sense of humanity and community is missing in our society. The lack of it can fully explain why society is in the state that it is in.
How many parents these days fit the concept of ‘helicopter parenting’? How many women complain about the men in their lives not doing this or that, but readily admit that they have never actually asked them to do what is desired? How many partners expect their partners to have a Vulcan mind-meld with them to read all expectations, but are disappointed when the readings are not accurate or even attempted? How many kids feel that their parents do not understand them because they don’t feel listened to or that they can openly communicate?
Everything stems from an ability to communicate – without judgement, without repercussions, etc.
Imagine what the world would be like, or better yet, one’s own relationships and life would be like, if we all felt as if we could trust each other to be open and honest with one another without the fear of anger or negativity. With this built up of trust, we can have agape.
Some might call me an idealist, but those who really know me understand I’m actually a realist. It is realistic to me that mankind can achieve greatness in unity. It is realistic to me that human beings can have conversations that lead to a deeper understanding of each other. It is realistic to me that we can hold each other as whole and capable to build such trust.
The realist in me finds great disappointment in the fact that our society cannot seem to accept the basic fact that all we really have to do is talk to each other with open minds and hearts….
But, since I fully believe in the power of the individual creating a mass movement – after all, we have seen it in action – let’s just start with one person at a time. Who have you not been holding whole and capable that you could start doing so now?
There is so much going on in the world these days that it really is overwhelming to try to process it all. It’s hard not to get caught up in the fury that rages, or to want to ostrich my head in the sand or put a towel over my face in hopes of not being seen – or rather not seeing or hearing what’s happening outside of my bubble.
Today, I will discuss what is spreading internationally – and I don’t mean COVID-19.
The cups of rage, injustice, frustration, and inhumanity runneth over creating a massive tidal wave of destruction, bloodshed, and further inhumanity.
Let me first say that while I absolutely am for ALL LIVES MATTER as I posted about almost two years ago when a similar pandemic filled the streets with protesters, I am not silently (or even noisily) condoning racist behavior IN ANY WAY.
However, combine the three stories below with months of forced isolation where people are getting brainwashed through whatever media channel they prefer to watch and it is no wonder that there is an outrage that explodes faster than the actual virus that the world has come to, justifiably or not, fear.
Ahmaud Arbery
Christian Cooper
George Floyd
I like Kevin Hart’s message about the media’s responsibility to create the right narrative, which is not about the protests and rage, but it should be “on the side of the solution”.
“Everybody’s conversation should be about the change.”
This.
This is a systemic problem that needs to be addressed properly. Our conversations should not be about race or color. The conversations should be around why humans in power think it is okay to dehumanize those without it (George Floyd). The conversations should be around why the human ego has become so big that we only think about ourselves at the expense of another person’s safety and freedom (Alice Cooper). The conversations should be around why anyone thinks they are above the law to take it into their own hands based on a horribly misrepresented world view of another person (Ahmaud Arbery).
We need to talk about the history that continues to repeat itself when a country (countries) decided to build itself up at the expense of another society and culture. It has been happening from the building of the great Eyptian structures to the development of the United States.
Success cannot last when there is no acknowledgment of the sacrifice, shedding of blood, sweat, and tears, and recognition that without the history of this, societies would not be where they are today. We know this to be true individually, yet somehow when it comes to the masses, we choose to ignore it – ostrich; avoiding the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy).
When we fail to have compassion and gratitude for what others have done for us, we lose the right to progress smoothly and gently. When we fail to acknowledge and thank those who paved the way for us to have it easier or better, we lose the right to moan about the struggles we have now. When we fail to learn from the past, we fail in the present and lay a path of continual failure into the future.
Healing must come at a deep and meaningful level. We have to have the right conversations. They aren’t conversations of white vs black; Asian or non Asian; man vs woman; rich vs poor. These are the consequences or the death from the virus, so-to-speak. Instead, we need to talk about power as the source, ego as the source, humanity as the source. When we can understand and heal the source, then can we remove the rot that is spreading throughout.
So, it saddens me deeply to see the world destroying itself on so many levels. It worries me to see how easily people comply to fear which leads to limited understanding from limited information which leads to Lemming-ton. We should all be worried when governments issue militarized curfews to prevent free speech and freedom to protest against the powers that be. We should all be worried when leadership passes bills to prevent the spreading of incorrect facts and lies under the pretense of free speech. No wonder the world is angry….
Tomorrow marks my 43rd birthday. In Korea, I guess I would be 44 as they count the nine months of gestation as the first year of life.
I generally don’t enjoy celebrating or making a big fuss of my birthday (except for the big ones), but I never say no to a good party. 😉
In truth, it doesn’t matter much how old I am anymore. Some ladies and I joke that we are ‘forever [age]’ based on the year that we have enjoyed the most. Mine is 28.
Twenty-eight was a great year for me. I was in New York doing my master’s. It was the first time that I let loose and felt like a grown up. I partied, I studied, I lived.
Of course, a lot has happened since then. I’ve had good experiences, met lovely people, and married a man of my dreams. So, while 37 wasn’t a bad year either, I’ll still go with the younger number. 😉
In any case, I would not change my age for anything. I do not miss being younger. Every year feels better than the year before and I hope this trend keeps true.
These days, I have been in what I call the ‘neutral zone’. There is nothing to report about what is good or bad because everything is somehow strangely in balance. Nothing is extreme; thus nothing needs to be shared.
It’s a bit of a strange feeling because I don’t know how to respond to people’s question of “How are things?”. I feel unsure how to respond because, well, it’s good and it’s bad.
We get used to glossing over life and neutralizing everything into “it’s fine” or “not bad”. However, I think I really am in the state where these responses are truth.
_Stay Sexy and Don’t Get Murdered: The Definitive How-To Guide_ by Karen Kilgariff & Georgia Hardstark
So about two years ago, I posted about the podcast My Favorite Murder with these two ladies. In the three years’ time that they have been entertaining me (and many others), they have enjoyed a successful growth with live shows, merchandise, etc.
Obviously, when I heard they were going to publish a book I knew that I would read it. Better yet, when I found out that they were offering an audiobook, it was a no-brainer. I mean I already listen to their voices twice a week, why not hear them read their own book?
These days I consume audiobooks much faster than printed or Kindle ones just due to commuting and walking around quite a bit. Thus, it took me very little time to get through the book.
I thoroughly enjoyed it. 🥰Even though I had heard some of the stories in the podcast, there were a lot of new stories and themes that came through while connecting back to their regular messages about being “street smart”, mental health, and protecting the badass naïveté that we all have inside of us.
Even though they tend to make light of their childhoods or traumas, this book also gave a deeper insight to them behind the humor. So, in some ways, it was rather dark compared to the regular storytelling about horrible murders. (Hard to imagine, right?!) 😳
While these ladies are talented and have worked hard to get where they are, they also make it seem somehow possible for the average person to do something with their lives. Dare I say they were inspiring? Hm…🤔 the cynic in me might not go that far, but I will admit that it fanned the slightly waning flame for writing in me to keep on going.
I’m not sure how the book would be received by those who do not listen to the podcast, but as a fellow murderino, I recommend this as a way of getting to know the hostesses even more. 😍
Karen Kilgariff tells an anecdote about when she was catching up with her friend whom she regularly met up with to debrief on their lives. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for them to complain or share trials or tribulations. She noticed that her friend was uncharacteristically not matching her energy, so rather than hold a grudge about it, she expressed her frustration and asked what was up. Karen’s friend thanked her for her honesty and then shared how the low vibrations she was receiving from Karen’s stories were a bit too much for her just then.
This really made me think about my own conversations with those close to me. Even though I present a pretty upbeat front to my parents (though I think they know when I’m faking it…?) or to those whom I am not 100% comfortable with (even people whom I call friends), I am not always so – surprise! (note sarcasm)
My default mode tries to ensure that the other person(s) doesn’t need to overly concern herself with my problems. This is learned behavior based on my own judgments on previous experiences.
If someone has power or authority over me, like my parents, then I don’t want to let them know that there is something wrong with me as it might make them love me less, which in the past led to abandonment. Of course, by now, my intellectual side knows that this isn’t rational in any way. My parents love me and haven’t left me for any reason yet, despite me probably giving them a reason or two. ;D
If someone seems to have their own problems or life appears difficult for them in the present, then I don’t want to burden them with my own issues as it might make them like/love me less and walk out of my life, which in the past has happened amongst friends or those whom I had trusted.
So, only a handful of people (including my parents when I remember to drop the facade), actually get a view of the deepest and darkest parts of my heart and mind. Don’t worry – they also get the superficial stuff too! 😛
Still, regardless of this truth, I have noticed lately that as I hit the joys of middle age changes that my vibrations have become lower and lower. The previously grey with occasional clear blue skies forecasts have turned into constant rain with occasional thunderstorms. Even though I was not what one would call “cheerful and peppy” on the best of days, I still smiled, laughed and tried to make the best of it.
Recently, I think about 80% (or more) of my time is complaining about work, society, men, friends, husband, cats, life itself, or anything else I can come up with. There are times when I know that I forget to stop and think: Is this really what the other person needs to be hearing? Shouldn’t I be asking more questions about them?
Therefore, I am (still unsuccessfully) working on sending out higher vibrations to others. It’s not that I am going to put the mask back on all the time. It’s more about being less selfish and more honest – not only to myself, but also to others – even those I tend to keep at bay out of fear.
I’m a grown woman now. If people leave me for something I say or do, I can own it, respond to it, and then leave them to do what is best for them. Whatever the outcome, I am not defined or bound to it as long as I have been true to myself and compassionate in my response.
We all know when we are sending out high or low vibrations. We all instinctively know when we have left someone better or worse than we met them. Sometimes, they are the same and that’s great too.
Still, why not aim for the higher vibrations?
After all, the Beach Boys knew that good vibrations gave them excitations and who doesn’t want that? 😉
