Oct 212017
 

It’s the middle of the night as I write this. Despite falling asleep around 10ish, which is our usual weekend bedtime, I jolted awake feeling overheated and paranoid about the mosquito loose somewhere in the room even though M “locked it” in the closet. If I know there is a mosquito, I will not sleep as I could swear that I also heard buzzing in my ear. With no way to turn on the light or possibly kill it, I gave up on sleeping for now….

My fingers are crossed that the buzzing in my head will stop by the end of the weekend or early next week. It is hard to explain what it feels like, but sometimes I wonder if this is how patients feel after an electrical shock treatment. It occasionally makes me dizzy and definitely challenges any desire to walk around or move my head at all. If I really thought about it long enough, I am sure there are some yoga poses I could do to help the situation, but it is hard enough for me to focus my mind on one thing long enough to remember what it is I am doing….

I have noticed a massive mood disruption. My people tolerance has gone down – I didn’t even know that was possible…! M and I have had small quibbles and one big one of late. Old response are hard to break…. Although I am aware of these things after some thought, in the moment I am suddenly unable to pause and control what comes out of my mouth. The fuse is shorter at the moment.

Hopefully, this is just part of the stabilizing process and reconnection with my own control over my responses to others. Clearly I need to do more serious meditation and exercise to counteract whatever is currently going on with my mental faculties.

Anyway, step 1 is knowing. Step 2 is accepting. Step 3 is action….

~T ๐Ÿ˜€

Oct 182017
 

Day 4 – chemical free with the help of a break from the grey and falling spit from the sky.

Yesterday was foggy both in my mind and in the weather. It continues to get colder day-by-day, but with the sun in the sky my heart warms today. It is not clear whether it is the lifting of the fog in my head or the fall climate that is affecting me, but really it does not matter – my own mind is returning.

I can definitely feel the difference. It actually makes me happy to know that my mood is no longer being controlled by chemical aid. While I sense the ups and downs happening much more acutely than before, I am actually reveling in the ‘crazy’. ๐Ÿ˜›

Actually, it gives me a chance to reflect on myself again and to get a new handle on how to control my impulses. The good news is that the fog is lifting inside even if it only worsens outside. ๐Ÿ˜€

~T ๐Ÿ˜€

Jul 282017
 

Two days before the darkest days of my life started I began a new round of anti-depressants because as I had written, I was considering it based on my up and down moods.

Luckily, they kicked in on the day that I had to cope to distract me from the reality of our situation. It has now been just over a month and I definitely notice the change this time around.

While others around me are extremely emotional or responsive to things, I am not so affected.

In yoga philosophy, we often discuss a state of “detachment” which is described as not having emotion one way or the other as a reaction to life happening around us. Some who are not ready for such a thing imagine being a robot without emotion and despise the idea of it. Others, like me, crave it because I am a bit desensitized, which is good being a fairly sensitive person to my surroundings.

I truly sense my detachment toward results, other people’s behavior, etc. It does not mean that I am emotion-less, but just that I am not taken into extreme moods so easily. I also recognize when I need to keep my mouth shut because the emotional response I might get is not really worth it.

When I took these anti-depressants before, I did not know what to expect or what to look out for. However, this time I am definitely more aware of the effects on me.

Some side effects, though, are that I am much more tired than usual. So, now like an old lady I need an afternoon nap and I sleep a great deal more at night than usual. Of course, this might be stress as well since it is not yet over. However, I can also feel my head zapping now and then…. Thankfully, my headaches are no more.

So…although I do not plan to stay on them for too long, I am glad I decided to go back on them again especially during our crisis. No doubt I might have gone to some other extreme had I not started them. ๐Ÿ˜€

~T ๐Ÿ˜€

Jun 192017
 

When my husband makes a point of telling me that I am constantly seeming grumpy or on edge and then have these bouts of “weirdness” where I am overly silly and happy, then I take a step back to consider the validity of his comments.

Although never formally diagnosed as depressed or bipolar according to labels, my therapist some years back allowed us to call myย moments as ups and downs. While I appreciate the lack of labels and freedom from a box, it does also make it difficult to explain to others what happens to me in these up and down cycles.

I came across this website yesterday when I was contemplating whether or not to go back onto medication temporarily given that I have no control over our current situation and that maybe it would help to take the meds just until life is a bit more settled…. What I found was this list ofย red flags for the author and thought to myself…hm…this just might be me!! ๐Ÿ˜›

In fact, I think it has been me for some time and perhaps I should have seen it coming a while ago…?

Even though my husband does not quite appreciate the label and tries to minimize what I am experiencing by saying “I think we are all a bit bipolar” or “I get this way too”, I try to take it as his way of empathizing with the fact that this may be a reality.

Looking at our current or recent circumstances, it is no wonder that I have not really gone to the extremes since everything suggested on this website is how I try to live life in the best of circumstances. Factor in the chaos that has surrounded us and now I can stop wondering why I prefer to binge watchย The Keepers (just one episode left!) all day yesterday rather than try to go out or see anyone….

So, I have not yet made a decision about the meds. I do have them already and know what to do – just not sure I am ready to go that route again…though it wasn’t a bad thing before and sometimes just having a little extra help can make a big difference…. We shall see…I should probably seek counseling, but that would require funds that we do not have and thus continues the spiral that spins me around up and down and around and around….

~T ๐Ÿ˜€

May 292017
 

We often focus on being happy all the time. It is now considered a sort of tragedy if a bad day happens or you somehow are ‘letting it happen’ to you.

The truth is that bad days happen! It is a part of life. There is no good or bad about it, they just pass through.

Yesterday was one of those days.

There are a number of reasons why it was not the best of days. There are a number of source points from previous days, months and years that contributed to the day of more arguments than discussion.

However, knowing that it shall pass makes it bearable. Sometimes bad days happen in succession, but they too pass – just as the good days do.

Often in yoga philosophy we discuss that fact that we should strive to be neither happy nor sad. So many people respond with “What? So, are we just supposed to be robots? I’d rather not be a yogi then….” How sad this response makes me. Why are emotions so celebrated? Why do we have to aspire to being happy all the time?

If we look at social media, everyone takes a snap of themselves happy. No one ever takes a photo of themselves crying or in a rage. Therefore, we perpetuate this image of life being always happy. Why?

As someone with strong bipolar tendencies, I aim for the neutral point. I want to be neither happy nor sad. I do not feel like a robot when I get there, but instead I feel content. When I spend a dayย that has no drama whether positive or negative, I feel it is a great day. This is contentment.

So, sure good days are nice and bad days do happen, but I’m hoping today is neither one – just a day.

~T ๐Ÿ˜€

Apr 242017
 

So…the memory is so often unreliable. We tend to easily remember the bad things that happen to us or the moments when others have let us down in some way or another, no matter how little or a lot. However, we have the amazing ability to forget all the good things or the status quo elements of life.

I have been in some kind of a mood lately. While I could blame it on my monthly cycle or others around me or the moon or whatever else I can find to pass it on to something or someone other than myself, if I am to learn anything (eventually), I should be paying more attention to my bipolar tendencies.

Because the extremes and swings have not been so noticeable lately, I had nearly forgotten that they even exist as a reality in my life. Since I am not manic up or down, it is more difficult to take notice or to remember to take notice when these episodes might be happening.

However, when M said to me the other day that suddenly I seemed to have released some tension (this was after selling his car), I thought that perhaps it was more of a trigger that snapped me out of the downward trend. Of course, selling the car is a HUGE relief in so many ways, but is it THAT much of a trigger to push me back up into an upward spiral? Probably not…and yet, I am now suddenly full of energy, happy, playful, etc. – to a minor extreme.

Therefore, logic kicks in and memory recall pinpoints that perhaps I am having a more obvious bipolar episode and have forgotten or chosen to ignore the signs again.

A couple of changes are being made to address this.

First, I am starting to take the Vitamin B (stress tabs) again as I imagine that having been off of them now for about three months has probably affected the chemistry of my brain enough to now be noticeable again. It was an experiment to see how the Juice Plus pills would work without the other, but I think that for now I need to do both.

Second, I got myself back to the gym this morning. Stepping on the scale the other day and also having some people notice that as a regular I have been absent, motivated me to take the first step to get back to it. This should also help the chemistry of the body to give me boosts through a healthy lifestyle and regulate the moods again.

I am still working on one other change, which I discussed last week or the week before in getting myself back onto a regular meditating schedule. This has been a bit slow on the take, but I will get there as I need to step up my game in this area now that I have more clients and classes going during the week. ๐Ÿ˜€

All in all, I cannot complain as the high in my brain is pointing toward life getting better and better. For now, I shall ride the waves and do what I can to prevent a crashing downward. ๐Ÿ˜›

~T ๐Ÿ˜€

Oct 012015
 

ms1215

My friend, T posted this on her FB page as an event she was planning on attending. I had seen it before on another friend’s post, but had only glanced at it then. So, this time I took a closer look at it.

In the past, people have suggested the idea of meditation and tried to explain what it is; however, I have generally chalked it up to a Buddhist idea or some exotic activity that those who wander into a ‘hippy-like’ spiritual journey undertake. Of course, I thought this about yoga as well – until I tried it. Calling this ‘mindfulness’ seemed to work better to pique my interest.

So, I decided to take the challenge. It’s 31 days – how can it hurt? Becoming more aware of my mind is a path I have undertaken since I first admitted to having bipolar tendencies. Since doing so, I have gotten a much better handle on how my mind works and what I need to do to ensure a stable mindset. Therefore, learning mindfulness or meditation is just another way of helping me along this path – I think. ๐Ÿ˜‰

At the end of every yoga session, we generally take a few moments to focus on our breath and to bring focus to our bodies. This isn’t a traumatizing or funky spiritual activity, but it has calmed me and brought me “zen”. Therefore, I’m really looking forward to doing 31 days of training on this for a regular part of my day. Some might consider prayer time the same – for I used to commune with God regularly each night when I was more of a church-going spiritual person. Now, I’m more of a yoga and ‘humanist’ spiritual person and looking into mindfulness for communing. ๐Ÿ˜€

Today was the first day and I gotta say…NICE!

-T ๐Ÿ˜€

Apr 292015
 

burning-the-candle-at-both-endsI am exhausted…that’s truly an understatement. I thought I was doing okay in balancing my life out, but it seems that isn’t the case. It is affecting just about all parts of my life, which is not great, though I think work benefits the most. So, this picture nicely illustrates how I’m doing…balancing it all somehow on a very unstable point…It is best that I find a way to do better before it all falls to pieces….

One problem is that I am keeping myself WAY too busy. I realize this and shall adjust my schedule accordingly.

Another problem is that I do not have a ‘decompression chamber’ in my house where I can hide and re-energize my introverted sensibilities. Therefore, all my tension is building up as my energy drains with no way of getting it back.

So….I am hoping to find a better way and path. I am generally happy, but I know this calm that I pretend to have will not last given my tendencies and I can feel the downward trend coming up. If I fall, I might fall hard this time around, so it is time to be proactive and take care of myself first. This is not all that easy to do, but I need to…I feel detached from myself, my creativity, my core….

This weekend, M is away (:(), but it is a good chance for me to try to rejuvenate and rest. I’m not sure how well that will go given that I have plans throughout the weekend, but I will do my best!! ๐Ÿ˜€

In the meantime, I am going to try to be more consistent with writing at least on this blog, if not on my TUA site….. It will all come back in time, but time…yes, time…. ๐Ÿ˜›

More to come, eventually,

~T

Sep 242014
 

For the past couple of weeks I have been tired and unmotivated. At first, I thought it was due to Aunt Flo or stress. Then, I thought perhaps it was because I wasn’t eating enough during the day, which still may be the case. Then, I thought perhaps it was due to an increase in my caffeine intake since work started, which may also be the case. However, two days ago, I realized that really I think it is one of my downs coming on….

Once I sort of focused on that and admitted that I may be getting a little depressed, I have been able to focus on how to keep myself from letting the down go full blown. So far, I seem to be doing okay. I have stopped the caffeine and plan to keep at it for the next couple of weeks to cleanse my system from needing it. Then, I think I can go back to one cup a day… (maybe!). ๐Ÿ˜›

Some ways that I battle the downs is by focusing on myself. This means getting some pampering done, scheduling my life very carefully and ensuring that I am surrounded by positive energiesย rather than those that drain me. It’s much harder to do than we think, but once done, life is definitely better. So, I’m starting to breathe a bit more and refocusing myself on what needs to be done. Phew! ๐Ÿ˜€

More to come,

~T

Aug 072014
 

If we know anything about Tara, we know that she likes her routines. It’s taking a bit of time to adjust back into one, BUT, it seems that we are getting there. ๐Ÿ˜€

Some changes were needed to be made, though…
*Deleted Candy Crush from all mobile devices
*Setting boundaries on checking FB and emails

At the moment, the routine that is working for me is:
*Get up and ready for the day
*Work out (alternate between swimming and treadmill run with weights) + yoga stretching
*Shower and have breakfast
*Computer time [includes dissertation work usually started off with FB, emails and other Internet activites]
*Break for lunch/snack
*Focus again
*Rest/relax or go out of the house
*Dinner and TV or something
*Bed

Now, Candy Crush wasย starting to take over my productivity as well as focus on relaxation in more ‘useful’ areas. Not to say that playing a bit of CC now and then is a big deal, but it was actually stressing me out! So, it seemed okay to let it go. Instead, I hope to use the time for reading or actually talking to the people around me. ๐Ÿ˜›

My checking of FB and emails has always been something I fluctuate with in terms of frequency, but I read yesterday about using our time well and realized that I really do NOT need to be constantly checking either one of these things. So, I will return to my previous assignation of morning and evening times for checking these, leaving the rest of the day free from their brain-sucking claws! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Of course, I still have Messenger for FB as an app that alerts me if someone wants to chat and can be connected regularly if need be. However, as I try to focus on truly finishing up the dissertation and just having better balance, I will try to maintain these ways for now. ๐Ÿ˜€

More to come,

~T