Happiness in May

 Creative Meanderings, Writing  No Responses »
Aug 032021
 
  • Happiness is the waking of the dawn
    when the birds sing their song
    to catch their bugs and worms,
    when the air is fresh and there are no terms
    when it’s quiet before human activity begins
    to overwhelm and override their sins.
  • Happiness is that feeling of familiarity
    seeing the world with comfortable clarity,
    knowing what’s around the bend
    and hoping the peace never ends.
  • Happiness today is the sense of release,
    the built up stress can temporarily cease!
  • Happiness today is the sun shining through the wind,
    sitting in the warmth of its rays welcoming whatever the universe will send.
  • Happiness today is the yoga mat
    where one can be sat
    focusing on breath, body, and alignment
    with the mind, soul, and physical to find a balance and be content.
  • Happiness today is being present in the here and now
    without worrying about the what, when, or how;
    breathing in, breathing out; I am here, now.
  • Happiness today is my morning cup of coffee
    what lies inside and ahead we cannot yet see,
    but that is what makes the adventure;
    creating our greatest future.
  • Happiness today is companionship and love
    in the form of soulmates and kindred spirits sent from above;
    through laughter, food, and wine
    we shall enjoy the passing of time.
  • Happiness today comes with a purr,
    the warmth and softness of their fur;
    patiently waiting for me to wake
    for the food they are dying to partake.
  • Happiness today is in the rain coming down
    as it means a period indoors aside from a quick trip to town;
    cats are napping thanks to the grey,
    but even that makes me smile, I have to say!
  • Happiness today is the cup of English Breakfast tea
    made as part of the morning routine for my husband and me;
    it’s the compromise of our blending – English and American –
    first there’s tea, then coffee, sometimes made by me and sometimes by my man.
  • Happiness today is the adrenaline rushing
    in preparation for nearly 200 people watching
    an online event for adoptees,
    who were all sent overseas.
  • Happiness today is the feeling of making a difference
    when another being can sense
    they are not alone,
    but through their tribe, are at home.
  • Happiness today is the color green
    and the gift of all that can be seen;
    sometimes we miss or take for granted
    a view that may be slanted
    on the spectrum toward grey,
    but there are so many colors in a day.
  • Happiness today is feeling awake
    besides getting up early by mistake,
    with a restless night’s sleep,
    a nap in the afternoon sun will be no leap.

~T πŸ˜€

Waking Up With Gratitude

 Going Mental, Literary Escapes  No Responses »
Feb 252019
 

This morning, I had the luxury of not having much on my schedule until the afternoon. Although I had initially thought to try a new hot yoga class at my gym, I was not committed to that plan. πŸ§˜πŸ½β€β™€οΈ So, when I looked at The Power by Rhonda Byrne book, I thought it was as good a time as any to read it.

Little did I know that my soul was thirsting for something like this. For three straight hours I read the book cover to cover. πŸ€“

Many years ago, I read The Secret at a time when new age spirituality was making an entrance to the mainstream. People were skeptically discussing the Law of Attraction and I was absolutely no exception, if you read the linked post about my thoughts on it. πŸ€” However, the 2010 version of myself has changed greatly in the past eight years and I find myself regularly thinking how to ‘secret’ things to go my way.

Even stranger is that when I met my husband, he was also a big believer and fan of the book. πŸ’‘ He was/is more of a believer in the Law than anyone else I had ever met. So, when The Power entered our family this Christmas, it came around to me “by chance” through M. He said it was better than the first, but I still hesitated to read it for some reason.

Recently, I started reading The Dalai Lama’s My Spiritual Journey, which should have been a sign that I was in need of some spiritual refreshment. So, I had planned to read The Power once I finished this.

Then, this morning happened.

It was indeed better than the first and gave me quite a lot to think about. Here is a quote that stood out for me:

Life isn’t happening to you; life is responding to you. Life is your call. You are the creator of your life. You are the writer of your life story. You are the director of your life movie. You decide what your life will be – by what you give out.” p. 35

The whole premise of the book is that the power that we have to make everything that we dream of happen is within us and based on the love that we give out. This ‘love’ is a combination of agape (charitable love) πŸ’™ and philia (brotherly love) πŸ’•, not eros (sexual love). By focusing on what we love and loving others, we are creating positive karma and reflecting the positivity that is returned to us. πŸ’ž When we don’t, the opposite happens.

Reading this fits into my 2019 goal of not enabling others to affect me negatively. πŸ™…πŸ½β€β™€οΈ I’ve already struggled with this, but now I see that perhaps I was attracting it. So, with this in mind now, I feel better armed πŸ’ͺ🏽 to make this goal easier to reach and within my control rather than blaming other people for their affect on me. πŸ˜›

Another point that I need to incorporate more concertedly is waking up with gratitude. πŸ™πŸ½ The truth is that most mornings I feel a sense of denial that I have to get up. It’s not particularly a negative thought nor it is it a positive one, but more of a neutral view of the choice and preferring to go back to sleep. 😜 However, if I were to practice a view of gratitude towards being able to wake up, being healthy, having a job I like, seeing a husband I love, etc., then perhaps my view towards the choice will be filled with love and light instead.

Accepting that having a good or bad day is based on my own creation and what I’m sending out into the world, I am definitely more motivated to focus on the positives. I mean who doesn’t want to have a great day every day?! πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ

So, I still have some points that I am processing and will probably touch on in future posts here, but if nothing else, I am grateful for the time to be able to consume a book πŸ“– in one sitting. That in itself is a great day! πŸ₯°

~T πŸ˜€

The Self: Part 2

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Oct 242018
 

This week has been #singlelife for me as M is away visiting family. It’s the first time in almost two years that we have been apart for so long or without stress related to our time apart.

Even though I obviously miss him, it has been a fruitful time for me.Β 

For a while now, maybe a couple of years, I have felt less like myself despite how I may have appeared on the outside. There are a number of factors that probably contributed to this:Β  quitting my job (something I really wanted/needed to do), massive financial struggles, changes in lifestyle, etc. etc. During this period of time, I had to depend on other people like I have never ever done before and it is something that I am NOT very good at doing.Β 

With an early childhood like mine, where there was no one to depend on unconditionally, I naturally learned to rely only on myself for that which I held dear. I shared nothing of value to me with anyone – even with those whom I had grown to trust and love.Β 

The truth is that I would dare to say that a very small number of people in my life truly know me:Β  know what makes me cry (because emotions are sacred to me), know what my deepest thoughts about the world are, know what is actually important to me when it comes to this life and those I love, or know my expressions in all that I value.Β 

As a young idealistic youth, I thought that if people really wanted to know me, they would make the effort to discover these things about me and if they didn’t, well, I was just fine on my own without them. However, recent experiences have shown me that the opaque walls I built around me to give others the impression that they knew me, but they didn’t, aren’t necessary anymore – if they ever really were.Β 

These days, I return to some of my core values and beliefs.

I have always valued connections – whether positive or negative. People and experiences are what enrich our lives. When we close ourselves off by demanding that meet ups with others be on our terms or not at all, we only close the door to our own enrichment. When we say that we just need ‘me-time’ or that we cannot be ‘arsed’ to make an effort, we are really letting ourselves down.Β  When we make excuses of time, money, energy or whatever millions of other reasons we can find to justify why our self-centeredness is more important and more meaningful than opening the doors to others, then we are only limiting ourselves.

We, as individuals, can do anything. We can see the world. We can meet anyone. We can have more money than we need. We can have unlimited amounts of energy. We can make a contribution to society no matter how great or small.

How? By letting go of the self. Nothing and no one is ever alone. If we feel that we are, we only have ourselves to blame for our pushing away, for our blindness, for our lack of acceptance, for our lack of reaching out and asking.

If I had not valued the connections I had made over the years, there is no doubt in my mind the past few years would have been a million times worse than they were. Because of those connections (you know who you are), I am able to look back now with a smile and a sardonic laugh. I look back with extreme amounts of gratitude and love. I look back with limitless amounts of appreciation for the willingness to drop everything or give unconditionally to help me when asked, knowing that it was not an easy thing for me to do. There is no way that I can ever express enough how their SELFlessness helped me when I needed it the most.

In yoga philosophy, we study about the ego. We contemplate how the ego, or self, keeps us from true harmony in our lives – inside and out. While I never thought of myself as overly egotistical, I was definitely all about mySELF:Β  self-confidence, self-reliance, self-care, self-help, and the list could go on. I had bought in to the idea that truly taking care of number one could only be done by yours truly.Β 

Yet, as I discover the falsity of this way of thinking, I unexpectedly find myself more content and at peace.Β 

Of course, this does not mean that I retract my claim of ‘not liking people’. πŸ˜› It just means that, despite the irony of havingΒ time on my own to come to this realization, it is not always in my best interest – or any of ours – to focus so much on myself. Instead, I hope to restart embracing more connections and gaining experiences that enrich not only my life, but also help me to make whatever contribution I can back to others and the world in whatever way the Universe and God have planned for me.

~T πŸ˜€

The Self: Part 1

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Oct 232018
 

The other day, I sat outside during my lunch break to enjoy the beautiful cool, but sunny day. I’m sure that last year at this time I lamented about people’s tendency to say that there are no longer four seasons in Japan, and that ‘fall’ is near non-existent.

Yet, as I sat outside soaking up the sun under the trees with leaves that are changing color, I would beg to differ (yet again) with anyone who wants to keep saying that we are not experiencing an autumnal season. Perhaps this is just still coming from someone who spent nearly nine years where there truly aren’t notable seasons.

While I sat by the river, I initially was on my phone looking at social media. Then, I changed to reading a book thinking that was a better use of my time. In the end, though, I realized that I should just put the phone down and be in the world – enjoy the so-called ‘non-existent’ season.

So, I watched runners along the river, employees enjoying lunch in the weather, mothers walking with their children, and other individuals also enjoying the world around them. Instead of missing the seasonal changes by burrowing myself into my phone, I absorbed life around me with a great thirst.

It is usually when I stop to absorb life that I am able to contemplate. So, through my observations, I pondered:Β  ‘Who am I in the grand scheme of this life?’ ‘Would anyone miss me if I didn’t answer my phone, post on social media or go back to work?’ (This is not a cry for help – truly just a musing of my mind.) πŸ˜‰ What am I really doing that is of any significance – great or small?

Obviously, I know I am loved, valued and cherished by various people whether they tell me or not. I have no regrets in my life and am actually finding a new level of peace in who I am in this moment. Yet, I also recognize and appreciate that while I am just one person, just one speck, just one among millions, I still want to be contributing to the betterment of society. My contribution can be as small as a grain of sand or as big as the universe deems worthy – I really don’t care about the scale of it; just that I am doing something beyond myself.

This, in turn, caused me to follow another thought path that has been in and out of my contemplations lately: What is the line between self-care and just plain selfishness?

It is so trendy now to use terms like ‘self-care’, ‘taking care of number one’, etc. We are in this self-pampering and me-time world, where we have started to justify self-centeredness with a slight twist of the words to change the nuance so that we can feel better about pushing others away or demanding others to behave on our terms.

Now, I am not trying to downplay acts for self-protection or -preservation. I am in full agreement of ‘f@#k politeness’ as one of the themes of my favorite podcast. However, these thoughts/terms have a place and a time when they should be employed and even celebrated. They should not be a justification to become cold towards the world or those around us.

So, it leads me back to the self. What is the line? Is there a line? Should there be a line?

Of course, life is not as black and white as I would like it to be. Even grey is dulled out by all the colors that are out there.Β 

But, I question – have we over-complicated life? At what expense are we taking care of ourselves, looking out for number one, and saying we are who we are? I’m not sure anymore….

So here ends Part 1. Part 2 to come….

~T πŸ˜€

Making Space

 Going Mental  1 Response »
Oct 182018
 

Whenever there is a lot of clutter in my life, I feel out of sorts and confused. Perhaps this is why organizing is like a hobby for me as it makes me feel cool, calm, collected and in control. πŸ˜‰

As a young child I had no say in who my family was, where I lived, where I went or what I possessed. My early movements were so frequent that I could never form an attachment to anything or anyone. This lack of control or say in my life contributed to a harmless, but significant need to keep every scrap of paper that represented a memory in my life – from manuals to devices/appliances I no longer own, to my first set of Valentine’s cards in the first elementary school that I actually stayed in, to contracts of employment for every important job I’ve had thus far, to notebook after notebook that might carry some random thought I had about whatever was happening in that moment.

Study and teaching materials, monthly bills, movie tickets, travel brochures and receipts from trips all filled boxes that have moved with me throughout my adult life – nine years in Japan, nearly nine years in the UAE and now back to Japan.

Since our things finally arrived after a year in storage in the desert, we have been trying to sort out how to make what seemed like a minimalist lifestyle there fit into our new truly limited space – which is spacious by any standard here for just two people.

Additionally, life now has different meaning and purpose than it used to.

Before, I was all about the papers – articles I have read, articles I have written, articles I want to write and any (and every) article that represented my ‘wealth of knowledge’. Meaning and purpose was founded in the status of what these papers represented. I felt control and satisfaction over the fact that I have a record of my life and events in the myriad of boxes that have traveled with me.

My husband likes to give me grief about the fact that many of my papers have come full circle. πŸ˜› Some of the papers were useful to me, but the truth is that I wasn’t ready to let go of the life these papers represented.

After a number of pivotal moments, my life has greatly changed in the last few years. At last, it is time for the papers to go into the circular file – letting go of the past.

So, as I filled nearly 30 45L trash bags with that which no longer serves me, I felt not a loss of control, but rather a sense of freedom. The weight of all those papers was being lifted as my sweet partner encouraged me to get rid of the meaningless and unnecessary scraps of the past. At the same time, he supported me in keeping the items that represent important memories knowing how they can anchor me in remembering transitional periods of life back then. Still, I joked, my entire adult life (and some of my childhood) was boiled down to these 30 garbage bags.

Although I have not left a paper-trail-friendly profession completely, my home is now a safe space that I only want to fill with memories of travels, pictures of those I love, and items of a shared life with my partner. Each thing will now have meaning and purpose to represent all that I cherish rather than all that I could not let go of.

For the first time in my adult life, I have pictures and things up on my walls with plans to put up more. For the first time in my adult life, I am willing to establish a place to call home. For the first time in my adult life, I am not concerned about collecting everything just in case something is forgotten.

This process is far from being complete – I have collected a lot of stuff, so it will take a bit more time! However, the major boxes are emptied and many items have been discarded.

Now, we have more space to fill, carefully, with that which represents our life together serving us with love and joy.

~T πŸ˜€

Bad Days Happen…

 Going Mental  No Responses »
May 292017
 

We often focus on being happy all the time. It is now considered a sort of tragedy if a bad day happens or you somehow are ‘letting it happen’ to you.

The truth is that bad days happen! It is a part of life. There is no good or bad about it, they just pass through.

Yesterday was one of those days.

There are a number of reasons why it was not the best of days. There are a number of source points from previous days, months and years that contributed to the day of more arguments than discussion.

However, knowing that it shall pass makes it bearable. Sometimes bad days happen in succession, but they too pass – just as the good days do.

Often in yoga philosophy we discuss that fact that we should strive to be neither happy nor sad. So many people respond with “What? So, are we just supposed to be robots? I’d rather not be a yogi then….” How sad this response makes me. Why are emotions so celebrated? Why do we have to aspire to being happy all the time?

If we look at social media, everyone takes a snap of themselves happy. No one ever takes a photo of themselves crying or in a rage. Therefore, we perpetuate this image of life being always happy. Why?

As someone with strong bipolar tendencies, I aim for the neutral point. I want to be neither happy nor sad. I do not feel like a robot when I get there, but instead I feel content. When I spend a dayΒ that has no drama whether positive or negative, I feel it is a great day. This is contentment.

So, sure good days are nice and bad days do happen, but I’m hoping today is neither one – just a day.

~T πŸ˜€

End of January

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jan 312017
 

Surprisingly, I am amazed that it is now the last day of the month.

Looking back it was definitely a full month and lots of ups and downs financially, emotionally and even physically.

As I reflect on how things have been, I have to say that at the moment I am fairly happy with the past month in terms of the NYRs.

*Health – I am going steady with the gym, though some weeks have been a bit more challenging given my schedule changes; however, I am happy with progress. Just need to get my abs a bit more in shape! πŸ˜‰

*Work – As expected, work is picking up with lessons. I have three regular yoga clients with one just finishing, though he may continue. πŸ˜€ I will be starting some foundation classes where I live and the new 200hr YTTC course is giving me more work to do. I am currently taking a nutrition course through Coursera and have decided to start a side business that promotes healthy diet and life – more on that soon. I have not yet had enough time to sit down to do more writing, but am hoping that February will allow me to have a more settled routine in which I can carve out more writing time. Still, not bad for the first month.

*Finances – well, these are coming along. Little by little more money is coming in, but with the increase work, the money will come. M is also making some progress in this area, so….

*Relationships – my closest friends have been just that and the rest have been quiet as expected. I do have some plans in the works for travel and seeing those I love most. However, for the most part I am content with my relationships. <3

*Family – I have to admit that I have been a bit quiet and slow on this aspect of my life. I have spoken to my parents a few times, but now they are in warmer environments, so hopefully having too much fun! πŸ˜€ I did reach out to my bro, but need to try again or harder to connect better.

*Personal – Again, this month has seemed to have focused more on work and finances than anything else. I have started a blanket while I am watching TV, but have not yet been back to pottery this year. I will try to start again this next month. The rest is definitely in progress.

So, when reflecting I could stay in a dark space looking just at the negatives; however, the reality is that we still have a lovely roof over our heads and food to fill our bellies. We have loved ones near and far who are all fairly healthy and well. We have each other each day to help get through any struggles. Thus, on this last day of the month, I want to be positive and grateful for all that has been provided looking forward to what the next month promises to bring!

~T πŸ˜€

Last Month of 2016

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Dec 012016
 

Wow, it is so hard to believe that 2016 is coming to an end and to reflect on the year that it has been.

A year ago, we were 20 days from getting legally married. A year ago, I was making my decision to quit my full-time job to embark on the crazy path of running my own business and taking my work a different direction. A year ago, life was layered with a sense of security and stability with excitement of what was coming. Amazing what a year can bring.

It will be exciting to celebrate our first year of marriage even with its rocky moments. We have stayed strong and in love. I am ever more amazed at who M is at heart and his own capacity to endure, overcome and press on. My heart is full with his love and presence in my life – it is beyond comforting to know that he is by my side for all the years to come.

I do not regret for a moment giving up my full-time work. It was making me miserable every day and although the regular paycheck was something I took for granted, I am definitely at peace with the decision to try something new. I admit that taking on the task of starting my own business at my age and in this field, but I have faith and belief that it will take off and by creating some other areas for revenue, I will be able to have a more than successful business that will eventually run itself. So, I am not afraid of the hard work that may be required – just got to keep pressing on.

On the other side, I will honestly admit that I miss the false sense of security and stability that I had. Even knowing that it was false because I still had debt and bills, etc., it was one less source of stress. I do know; however, that in the long run facing full on these debts and bills is the better way of life. Once we are ahead, we will truly be ahead without anything hidden behind it. So, despite all the years of having a steady income, I still contributed to the creation of our current situation by living beyond my means and ignoring the consequences that could come. Therefore, I face where we are fully accepting my role and responsibility in it by being extremely thankful for the experiences and travels I had. Now, we work together to bring ourselves wholly secure and stable so that our future experiences and travel will be even more rewarding.

So, as I look back over the past year as we enter into the last month of 2016, I realize that despite my recent struggle to stay upbeat, there is much to be happy and content about. Therefore, I shall continue to enjoy what the closing of the year has to bring over the next month.

~T πŸ˜€

Money Turns Green or Mean

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Aug 302016
 

Some topics are generally shied away from – politics, religion, sex, and money.

Mostly I touch on these subjects freely, but lightly, even though I do not really know the breadth of my audience since this space is primarily for my own entertainment. Still, with the Internet the way it is and knowing that my digital footprint is rather huge, I try not to offend or be too obvious about my personal life. I even generally only use initials for names rather than reveal full identities of those in my life – though if you know me or see me regularly, you would probably know whom I refer to in my posts.

So, I hesitate a bit to write this knowing that there is a chance someone will read it fully aware of all the details. This is a chance I shall take as I feel the need to write, but will also attempt to stay as vague as possible on certain aspects. πŸ™‚

As may or may not have been clear from my posts over the past few months, we have struggled financially. This is something that I knew about fully going into my relationship with M. It was also an area of concern in early conversations with my friends about the future with M. However, love can conquer all and it can be fairly easy to ignore to such things when there is a steady income to allow for life to proceed superficially as normal. πŸ˜›

Once I quit my job we knew that life would be a bit of a struggle for us initially, but needing to learn a lesson in trust and letting go, we went ahead with the decision to give it a go so that I could be happier and pursue my business. I do not regret this decision by any means as I listen to my friends talk about their return to work. πŸ˜›

Still, it has not been an easy road and we have had to borrow a large sum of money from a very generous friend. We have also been blessed by the generosity of our other friends who have kindly covered meals for us, offered their homes and laundry facilities, or just laughed with us through the surreality of our situation at the moment.

To be a little bit fair to us, ifΒ a few circumstances, such as getting our visas sooner or not having my bank account frozen with my money in it, had gone another way we would be in a much better place right now. However, that is not the case, thus we are where we are.

As I said, our friends have indeed been more on the green side – meaning that they have just been above and beyond in their generosity. I can only hope that we will be able to adequately repay them or at least express our gratitude to them once we find a return to ‘normal’. Still, some can be mean or have a limit to their green generosity.

While I have learned to let go of my ego throughout all of this – there’s just no way to have anything other than humility when money is tight or non-existent -, it is still not an easy thing to ask for money or to even allow others to pay for things. Therefore, the last thing that I want to receive is a lecture or expressions of judgment regarding our financial decisions. Perhaps once we are through the sh*t, I can sit back to laugh and discuss the stupidity of what has led us to our current situation; but now is definitely NOTΒ the time. Instead of being willing to listen or push beyond the limits of my humility, I feel as if the other party is just being mean in a time when all I really need is love and support…. I do not deny that a lecture is probably needed or that a re-evaluation of how we are going to move forward financially is required; however, what is important at the moment is that we get ourselves to the point where such a conversation will have full effect rather than forcing a wall to go up and even challenge the value of a friendship….

To avoid sounding ungrateful or rude, I reiterate that indeed we are very thankful and blessed to have such friends in our lives who have been more green than mean. I hope to be able to write again soon that we are rolling with the homies in the monies!!! πŸ˜›

~T πŸ˜€

Simple Things in Life

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Aug 232016
 

As I walked each morning my route from the guesthouse to the yoga villa in Bali, I would pass the same people and greet them with a smile and “Good morning.” In a very short time it became a familiar routine that I greatly looked forward to.

I would pass a small family temple and the residents were often outside washing or chatting alongside the small, dirty channel that flowed with water down the street. As I turned onto the main road, I would pass stores setting up their wares or food for the day to be sold or offerings on the ground for those who had passed. Sometimes there were already customers ready to purchase what was on offer, but still the people would stop and smile to say a brief “Hello”. Old men would be sitting on their ‘stoops’ watching the numerous motor bikes and cars speed by taking in the busy street in front of them. Some would simply stare while others would give me a slight smile and head nod to greet me. By the time I would arrive at the villa, I felt as if I had just walked through a family village and I was a part of it.

(offerings)

(Payogan Temple)

(main road)

(neighbor temple grounds/home)

(my route from drop pin to blue dot)

The truth is that the Payogan area is filled with members of one family. My hosts explained that the guesthouse where my yogini-mates were staying was run by cousins on his wife’s side. Others along the road were probably uncles, aunts, cousins, brothers and the like. Still, strangers still felt a true sense of warmth inΒ their smiles.

Different to Thailand where tourists often feel as if they are only liked for their wallets, the Balinese, or at least the Ubudians, never gave that sense. While it was easy to pick up on their intent by their friendly line of questioning: Β “How long are you staying?” “Where are you from?” “Do you already have a plan for your trip?” “Do you need a driver?” πŸ˜› , it always felt genuine somehow. Funnily enough, everyone was willing to be a taxi for the right price!

These small encounters, though brief, really made me stop to consider all that we have to grateful for. Even not having AC, electricity or hot water for the past month has given me a new appreciation for such luxuries that are so easily and readily taken for granted. My hope is that when such luxuries do return to us, that we will still stop to acknowledgeΒ warm smiles, kindness and generosity as well as get out into the ‘fresh’ air away from our first world privileges and enjoy the simpler things in life.

~T πŸ˜€

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