September – Page 2 – Creative Meanderings

Rest In Peace, Your Majesty.

Sep 202022

She was not my Queen and aside from a fascination at the whole idea of a monarch and the royal family, I have no vested interest in Queen Elizabeth II of England. Yet… I have followed her passing and the pomp that has surrounded the process of allowing her physical body to finally rest with those of her family.

What amazes me, aside from the impressive ceremony that the English have put together for the first time in over 70 years, is the pause of the world to show respect for her life and legacy.

We have been witnessing history. We have been witnessing the end of an era, a standard, a balance of role and duty as held by a leader of the free world. It is also the end of a female monarch for the somewhat foreseeable future in the UK. So, as we have seen the world begin to shift, we also feel it embodied in the loss of her Majesty’s presence. Now, we can only hope that what she inspired is not quickly forgotten amidst egos, power struggles, and the pursuit of fame and fortune.

I would have liked to have known her. I think that who she presented to the world was just a small window into who she was behind closed doors. Although she was but a mere mortal, I imagine that she would have been hard to find fault with in her humanity – but perhaps that is just the unrealistic, now irrefutable, ideal that I apply to the little I know about her.

In any case, while I have not really ever had a list of those whom I’d like to meet one day, I think I do now.

Until then, rest in peace, Your Majesty.

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Sleep On My Mind

Going Mental No Responses »

Sep 152022

All I can think about right now is how I want to be like the puppies, stretched out on the sofas comfortably snoozing away. 😵‍💫

With a late-ish bedtime (for me) last night after a couple of evening video calls and a 9pm start webinar, I had already altered the biorhythms for the night. Then, a 4:20ish abrupt awakening to the thunder, lightning, wind, and massive downpour jolted me 😳 out of whatever dream I was in.

Whenever I am in the middle of a dream and rudely taken out of it, I am never right the following day. I’m sure it is normal, but I’ve always been this way – thus, also why I absolutely hate to be woken up by others. 😡

So, the storm triggered my brain to run through a mental checklist 🤔 of whether or not all the doors and windows were shut around the house. Since it is still warm, we tend to forget about one or the other being opened for airflow. Luckily, the cleaner had been yesterday and everything had been closed up afterwards. Still, I ended up getting up to check everything as I was home alone.

Assured that all was closed up, I was able to take a few moments to watch as the sky lit up and listen as the rain poured down before trying to return to sleep. It took a bit of help from a book, but eventually I went back to sleep from 5 to about 6:30, when some noise again woke me. My drowsy state 😵 was not eager to be shaken off, but an inner voice shouted that I needed to get up for the animals. With that, I forced myself out of bed, made the bed to avoid getting back in, and started the day.

Between feeding the cats and then the dogs, taking the dogs for a walk, doing training with the dogs, having some breakfast, coffee, etc. and then trying to settle down into a creative writing state, I am still fighting with the voice and my body that is whispering – “…that sofa is soft, the puppies look warm and sweet, wouldn’t it be nice to curl up with them and have a cuddly nap…?”

Alas, I am using my willpower to give myself a 3pm reward of that coveted nap. Until then, I will write. Even if it is about the thing I want most at this moment – sleep 😴. Even if it is only a few sentences on my novel. I will write.

So, this is written – on to the next! 🤪

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Pondering & Pontification

Going Mental 1 Response »

Sep 132022

On an individual basis, humans can cause a feeling of great respect – like for the late Queen of England – or grave disappointment. Recently, I lamented a sense of discouragement in the actions of someone I know. Yet, I haven’t quite figured out the root of why I feel this way.

Truthfully, I hardly know this person. She is really barely more than an acquaintance despite her long friendship with M. However, after investing quite a lengthy period of time in conversations with her during a visit this summer, I somehow started to feel a sort of kinship with her. Despite our age difference, it was clear through discussions that it is not the number of years that defines one’s maturity or knowledge of life, but more about experiences and an ability to learn from them that gives us the wisdom and courage to alter the repetitive tendencies we have to make the same mistakes or stand in the way of our own life’s evolutions to a happier existence.

These days, with the #MeToo movement, defense of women’s right to have a say over their bodies, ongoing battle for gender equality, and the like, it is important to support one another to feel empowered, independent, and courageous to show that humanity is not based on our gender identification.

However, breaking generational barriers that have brainwashed a section of society to believe that women need men or that happiness can only be found in a perceived companionship despite what may go on out of the prying eyes of others is something I do acknowledge as not easy. Still, I feel it a duty and responsibility for those who come after us to make an effort to raise the standards rather than succumbing to an arbitrary, unreliable, ever-changing status quo.

So, let me be more specific about this particular situation.

A self-made, hard-working, successful woman who raised two children mostly on her own is still seemingly feeling the need to define herself with a relationship. A relationship with someone that NO ONE who has met him whom we know likes. A relationship that she, herself, has questioned, let go of, and ranted about from early on. A relationship with so many red flags that one wonders when the other shoe is really going to drop to reveal what many of us believe to be his hidden true nature. A relationship that, in accordance with the last time we had spoken, was over – much to our relief and support.

Then, thanks to, or unfortunately because of, a social media post, we discover that he is back in her life smiling away and looking ever-so-smug that he has once again snaked back into position where he can continue, what I personally believe, is his long game into conning her into helping himself to her money, house, etc.

Let me be clear – I do NOT think he is a nice or good person. I do NOT think he has the best intentions. I DO think he is deceptive and ruthless. But, hey, who am I?

And, that is the crux of it.

It is not my opinion, nor even those others who all have similar opinions, that matters in the end. It is her life and her decisions; and our job, generally, is not to judge but to support what she does according to what she feels is best.

Or, is it?

So, this is my contemplations of late. I will likely not see her again for many years. After all, it had already been about five or six since I first met her. Therefore, what she does and who does anything with has basically no bearing on my life whatsoever. Thus, that voice shouts out “Stay out of it! It’s none of your business, lady!”

But…

There’s that other voice, the one that wants the world to be more just and right. The one that wants humanity to be better and for individuals to actively work on evolving into their greatest potential. The one that expects more and continues to raise standards – because we all can (including myself, before you think I’m on a hypocritical soap box) do more and be better. The one that believes that we should not encourage nor condone the behaviors of those whom we know in the deepest, darkest parts of minds and souls are not up to snuff.

Thus, this post of pondering and pontification.

In the end, I cannot do anything. I did express my disappointment and then removed myself from having to see any further of her sharings with him – for that is my prerogative. My hope is that we are all wrong about him, and that he will turn out to amaze all of us with his genuineness and love for her. Perhaps, I will then be able to just blame my current sentiments on my obsession with true crime and an overactive imagination.

Only time will tell.

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Mortality – In the Physical World

Going Mental No Responses »

Sep 082022

For as long as I can remember I have had a very unattached mentality towards the idea of mortality. Perhaps due to the forced acceptance of loss at an early age, I have always kept a logical and unemotional view of death – for death is just a loss of the presence of someone from our lives.

Still, to be fair, I have not had to face the actual death of many who are near and dear to me. I remember my first experience being my last foster father who shot himself when faced with having to be held accountable for his heinous acts against young girls. While I was very sad about his death, I had already detached myself from the idea of him and so it did not touch my core. However, I am certain that I saw him in my sleep on the plane as we returned home from an east coast visit at the time that would match the moment in which he took his own life.

The next death was the sudden loss of the father of my childhood best friend whose passing left us all in shock, and severely rattled the lives of his immediate family for years. I felt his disappearance from this world deeply, but perhaps my frustration at having been iced out of the mourning process with my friend and her family where I had thought I had a second home helped me to cope with the grief initially. It has only been in the past year or so that he said a final good-bye and stopped regularly visiting me in my dreams.

That same year, my maternal grandfather also left us in the physical world, but I saw him for many months in my dreams until I felt sure that he was in a better place, and that he was OK enough for us to wave good-bye to one another with a final “With my looks and your brains, we’ll go far” from him.

Next came my grandmothers and while sad, especially as I didn’t get to see them much due to choosing a life abroad, I felt OK with their passing as life had been long and full for them. I have always believed that when one dies from age, then it is acceptable so that mourning is not so much required. Still, both visited me briefly in my dreams, but I was able to say good-bye to them easily knowing they were in a good after life.

Recently, a former TIUA student (Japanese exchange student of the sister university to Willamette) passed away seemingly because of C19. I hadn’t seen him in years, but he was always a smiling guy with a warm attitude towards me and others. His wife posted on his FB account about his death and I found myself moved by the loss of his spirit in this world. I will likely not dream of him, but it does make me stop to ponder this life and those remaining in it.

The most obvious concern is for my parents. They are no longer young and though I like to think of them as active and vibrant, I am well aware that dementia is a genetic disease, and that the body wears down so that a change is required in accepting the inevitable slower phase of life they shall have to enter sooner rather than later.

My mind is already starting to prepare for the unstoppable end that will eventually come. In doing so, I have realized that my detachment towards mortality does not apply to those who are the closest to me. So, I am mulling this reality over without much joy.

Further, as I type this, I am listening to the live coverage of the potential loss of the Queen of England and it just continues to reinforce this notion of contemplating mortality.

Quite possibly because now I am older and realize that death is not necessarily a welcomed sojourn, I find the idea of losing anyone upon whom I count whether near or far, a heart-dropping and suffocating idea. I suppose it is better that I wrap my head around these things now before I have to face them in real time, but I still welcome distraction….

~T 🔥🐉♋️

_This Is Us_

Going Mental No Responses »

Sep 062022

**Spoiler alert – If you are watching this series and haven’t yet finished it and don’t want to know what happens before viewing, then skip this post!** 🤷🏽‍♀️

Until I watched the final episode of the six-season series, This Is Us, I would have said that my favorite series of all-time is still Little House on the Prairie. The latter did have a longer run and it still stands as one of the best stories ever, but I think my ‘modern-day’ choice is This Is Us. ❤️

First of all, the editing that gives us forward, backward, and current time perspectives of the characters – with sometimes different episodes around the same event but from each character’s point of view – is amazing. The storyline is beautifully put together for each character, overlapping the generations and growth of the individuals. It’s got ups and downs that are so relatable, but finishes with a realistic yet sappy ending. I mean, what more can we ask for over six seasons?

I appreciated the adoption storyline of Randall on a deeper level than if I were not also an adoptee or one assimilated into a culture and family of another race. His biological family search is profound and, for the first time since the adoption of Albert in LHOTP, has not been a strong central storyline in current TV dramas.

The decline of Becca’s mind hit close to him from the dementia of my grandmother to the potential reality that it might be or might happen to one of my own family members since it is considered genetic. The idea that it is a family disease never sunk in until the final season and the story works itself to a core understanding of what I/we may have to prepare for eventually.

The twins are a little less relatable to me, yet I also watched their own paths and journeys into adulthood, maturity, and confidence in navigating this crazy world with the same kind of curiosity and hope that I might with those who are close to me.

The ending was absolute perfection with no loose ends, revisits from previously seen characters, and an idea of the final moments of one who is dying that makes it okay to let them go despite the heartbreak and sadness of those who remain behind.

So, as I continue to process how to all connects and how I feel about what the actors, writers, producers, etc. created I highly recommend watching this show in its entirety, if you aren’t or haven’t already! ❤️

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Café to Café

Going Mental No Responses »

Sep 012022

The hubs and I were discussing our future activities this morning as he has returned refreshed and recharged from the buzz of city life. He has a renewed optimism about all things, which gives a bit of light into being able to discuss and plan our next steps.

We have agreed that country life is still a bit too remote for us as we both like the energy that is found from the city. I noted that one of the reasons that I always like to write in a café is because they are almost always full of people coming and going. The joy of sharing a cup of coffee never fails to create a light for inspiration and motivation. Few people are ever unhappy after they’ve gotten their shot of caffeine.

So, with a few things in the works that will release us from the self-imposed prison of not being able to leave our house much, we plan to get ourselves back out into the world where I can have “intellectual” conversations, we can pop in to a local dive for an afternoon drink, and we can walk our dogs on the sidewalks waving our hands to friendly passersby. Knowing that we will always have our “country home” to retreat back to as a home-base will be comforting for both of us, but we are still wanting a bit more adventure and activity – after all I’m still in my 40s!!! 😅🤪

Thus, stay tuned for how things play out over the next month or so. In the meantime, we have a final month of visitors and plenty of activities going on around town now that the weather has become pleasant again – not too hot, not too cold. Mostly, though, it’s just nice to have some plans forming that are not ridden with guilt and worry. 😬

~T 🔥🐉♋️

Whose story is it to tell?

Going Mental No Responses »

Sep 242021

On September 17, 2021 a film, Blue Bayou, was released creating more than just a controversial stir amongst the Korean adoptee community. Although, I was aware of the Adoptee Citizenship Act activity since news coverage shared the deportation story of Adam Crapser in 2017, I did not stay updated beyond reading headlines or comments on social media, which brought to light this issue that is estimated to affect around 35,000 adoptees, who were sent to America to be adopted, but for whatever reason no one took the responsibility to ensure these young Korean immigrants became legal US citizens.

So, when I got the chance to preview the film before its official release, I was excited to do so.

The trailer successfully engaged me in the story and made me want to see how a professional film would portray an aspect of angst experienced by my adoptee community. A good friend of mine warned that there was some controversy in that the main role was heavily based on Adam Crapser, but without his permission. With that in mind, I watched the film….

It was a moving story that properly pulled at the heartstrings and expressed both sides of the truth – fairly, in my opinion. I found myself being torn between empathy for the main character with his traumatic adoptive experience along with his bad circumstances that led to the deportation, and judgement on his poor life decisions that prevented him from affording the means to help himself out of the situation. Of course, it’s a vicious cycle, so I am not at all placing blame on the victim himself.

All that aside, what strikes me as most disconcerting in the discussions surrounding the film is the divide that is happening within the Korean adoptee and Asian American community. Those who know Adam directly, along with those who are naturally inclined to activism, have begun to protest against this film stating that it is too closely based on his story, which he had not given permission to tell. They have created a change.org petition to boycott the film altogether and are blasting social media with their protestations. One argument is that Justin Chon, the actor and director, is not an adoptee but a hyphenated Korean-American. This leads to a statement that non-adoptees should not be telling the stories of adoptees, especially without their permission. However, Chon and his media team continue to state that the story was an amalgamation of a number of deportees’ stories despite the uncanny parallels to just one’s. Meanwhile, Adam Crapser has only made social media statements to his limited audience, letting his supporters spew their rhetoric on his behalf, but still not speaking directly to the community to support the protestations being made.

For me, personally, it is not about who is right or wrong per se. Instead, what I see is a swirling cloud of dust that dirties the topic that should have been brought to the light for discussion as to how this issue even came to be in the first place. While the details of whose story it is, whether or not he gave permission, and the like are important, I am afraid that the true purpose of making the film at all is now lost. I am afraid that those looking in from the outside will only see the fighting and look away with disinterest in engaging in the conversation that should have been the focus about deporting forced immigrant populations. I am afraid that an opportunity has been lost.

Should a non-adoptee be allowed to share, take artistic license, or depict the story of an adoptee? Ideally, I’d like to say no and be able to believe that the adoptee’s story would still be heard regardless. However, in the same threads of whether or not a white person should be allowed to do the same with a minority’s story, I feel the same uncertainty in my answer. I would love it if the minority’s story and voice could be heard with the support of the majority, but today and throughout history that is not how the world works – yet. So, is it a matter of just getting the story out there in whatever way possible? Or, do we fiercely hold on to what we believe is our story even if it may never be heard?

~T 😀

Amalfi Coast & Capri

Going Mental 1 Response »

Sep 212021

It was a weekend of luxury and action (two weekends ago now) to make our visions for a certain lifestyle of our own come to fruition. Don’t worry – it’s more about the potential than affording the reality for now… 😜

On top of that, it was a chance to get to know new people more as the layers of individuals can only be discovered through time spent together in conversation , breaking of bread 🍕and sharing of drinks. 🥂

Anyway, just a short post to share from our visit to the Almafi Coast (Sorrento area) and boat day to Capri. Pics below and other highlights on social media platforms. 😬

Always love home-made pizza and by a man named Luigi!

My Way…

Going Mental 3 Responses »

Sep 092021

In Richard Templar’s The Rules of Wealth book, he makes a point of teaching that we shouldn’t necessarily tell others about our money goals or dreams because inevitably someone will pooh-pooh the idea or try to tell us why we are wrong in our way of thinking. He doesn’t say not to tell anyone, but to be selective in who we tell and make sure that those people are ones who will support and encourage us to reach our goals and dreams.

I have found that this can be true with just about every topic or area of interest. When Don Miguel Ruiz writes in The Four Agreements – “Don’t take things personally”, it can be applied to everything when we dare to share anything about ourselves, and we do not get the positive response that we want (though I’d say it applies even to the positives, too).

Just about everyone around me knows that I am not a fan of “people” on the whole. I am not a sharer of much, sometimes even to those closest to me, until I am good and ready.

In French this week, I learned the difference in the phrases ‘j’ai confiance en toi’ (I have trust in you) and ‘l’ami confident’ (a confidante). While we might want to translate it directly into our English word, confidence/confident, they are not the same. Also, trusting someone doesn’t always make them a confidante.

There are two regular people in my life whom I would call confidantes. They are the ones who get the most genuine version of myself and my thoughts. However, even with them, I find that I really have to have confiance en moi (trust in myself).

It’s not that I don’t value their input or advice. It’s that they aren’t in my head, have my gut instincts, or understand what it is I am really trying to achieve. In their defense, I am most likely not explaining my ideas well enough for them to grasp in full. So, I’m not pointing any fingers or judging – I promise.

Rather, it is that I know what I want to do and where I want things to go.

Here are two examples:

M has been encouraging me to find a retreat for either yoga or for writing. I appreciate this deeply. One problem for me is that I don’t want to spend a lot because we will have upcoming expenses once we are in the house and start our ‘nesting’ process. Also, the deeper truth is that I don’t want to go on a retreat to meet new people or share my writing with people I do not know. At the moment, I crave solitude, silence, and my own space. Therefore, I can spend about half of what a retreat costs by going to a hotel on my own for a week and writing and/or doing yoga there. M tried to mansplain how I was incorrect in my thinking, to which I politely (in my mind) told him he was wrong. 😛
I want to generate an income from The Universal Asian. In this way, we can regroup our expenses and I can pay more to contributors and those who are helping to build up the platform. There are a number of ways that one can generate money from an online space, but I’m hesitant to move forward to many of them. Lots of people have given me advice and some have suggested I ask for more professional advice, but again I hesitate. It’s not from fear, but from not feeling ready or comfortable yet. I have an idea of how to go about it and I know that when the timing is right I will know how to go about taking action. This is how most everything has gone with it so far and I think that it’s been fairly successful. I’m not saying I won’t need help or outside expertise, but rather that when it’s right, it will happen organically and smoothly.

So, these examples are where only I can know what I am aiming to achieve no matter how much advice others give me, only I can move forward toward the goals.

Still, while I keep things close to my chest, it doesn’t mean that I don’t take in or listen to what others suggest. It just means that I might be slow to take it on board, or that I just want to do it my way. 😉

~T 😀

Relaxing in Rome

Going Mental, Meanderings Abroad No Responses »

Sep 082021

Last weekend, we had a little getaway to Rome, which is actually only about 1.5 hours away from where we are living now in Italy.

It was M’s first visit to the capital city, so we did the touristy bit of doing a Big Bus Tour to see the main sights. With C19 limiting visits inside places, we ended up with a long tour of the Colosseum, but it was all part of the fun exploring. Some pics are below, but you can also see more on our @footnersineurope Instagram account.

More importantly, though, it was a nice chance for us to reset as all the stress of moving around and wrapping our heads around making Italy home now was making us a bit snappy with one another – though M claims it was more me than him. Never! 😛

One highlight that had nothing to do with Rome itself was getting a new laptop 💻. It wasn’t a necessity, but a want and a tool to help allow for me to write or do work away from the ‘dungeon’ we call home 👏🏽.