Burn Out

 Going Mental  No Responses »
May 242022
 

Two years ago I was excitedly preparing to launch The Universal Asian πŸ™ŒπŸ½. Since then, there have been a few variations, twists and turns, ups and downs, but it has become something I am proud of – overall.

Still, for two years it has taken up a large part of my mental space. Is it my passion project? Am I obsessed with it? Could I walk away from it without much pain?

Yes πŸ‘πŸ½ and No πŸ‘ŽπŸ½.

I am not a person of passion. I get animated about certain topics. I feel strongly about a lot of things. But, am I passionate about anything? Not really. At an early age, I removed the ability to care too much or to allow myself to become overly invested in anyone or anything so that if it were taken from me or I somehow lost it, I could still survive without any personal injury to me. Therefore, the idea of becoming passion-driven is far removed and a locked away concept for me. So, NO, the platform was not a passion project and I am not passionate about it.

Without passion, then, the short answer is YES to being able to walk away from it without much pain. I could shut it down, close it out, and walk away with only a concern for the team who helps make it run as smoothly as it has been, but no pain in the loss of the space itself.

Mostly, though, YES, I am obsessed with it – to the detriment of myself mentally and emotionally. Also, this causes friction when self-funding such a venture. While there are many pieces of advice and traditional business models that suggest various ways to generate some income, none of them are with the vision that I created for the platform or showing enough potential to generate a significant amount of money to keep things independently afloat due to the current numbers in followings. It takes time to get to the tipping point and we only started two years ago.

When I started, I spoke to someone who had shut down her online magazine asking why it didn’t work. She warned me that the two-year mark would be when we would either make it or break it. She wasn’t wrong. πŸ’‘

It’s the burn out πŸ•― that I had not quite anticipated. I consider myself fairly resilient, but with rejections, losses, fights, and struggles just within the space itself added to life challenges that we all face – well, it’s become a bit much for me.

While I know this project has meaning, value, and purpose, I am tired. I need to step away to see and appreciate where my efforts have gone. I need to look at the space as a user to find the value in what was created. So, that is what I am doing.

It is not a good-bye or shut down. As a wise person I had just met encouraged, the space can still exist and be open/available while I take a breath away. At the end of the day, money motivates. I mean, without pay, the rest of the team is also taking a break – which tells me that we still need finances πŸ’΅ to encourage meaning, value and purpose…. Therefore, as someone who isn’t getting paid either, I think it is even more reasonable that a break is needed.

So, June will be a winding down month with announcements and actions put in place to let everyone know that July and August are going to be quiet as we all, especially I, take a pause to recoup, refresh, and re-evaluate future steps.

At least, I realized I was on a ‘burn out’ before it became a full ‘blow out’, right?! πŸ˜…

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Puppies and More Puppies

 Going Mental  No Responses »
May 182022
 

Most of my days and nights have been consumed with falling in love with our newest additions to the household – Monty and Pea(nut).

It’s only been a month since they joined our home, but they have stolen our hearts – and all of our attention! πŸ˜‰

Here’s a link to the photos as it says it all – warning: there are A LOT of photos! πŸ˜€

Enjoy!

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Worldly Possessions

 Going Mental  No Responses »
May 122022
 

In a discussion group yesterday, we talked about the things that we are attached to and what 10 things would we grab or want to save if we were running out of a fire.

As an educator and trainer, this is an activity that we often ask our students as a learning exercise and also an assessment of an individual in group interviews. In trying to answer it for myself, it is always different since I tend to over-analyze the situation and sway from being practical to being sentimental to being minimal.

Our shipment of things finally arrived last weekend and we quickly got busy with unpacking our boxes. Although we felt there wasn’t much, considering the size of our house compared to the size of where we were living in Tokyo, it turns out that we still have a lot of things. πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ I loathe to imagine how much we will have acquired in five years time after living in our Italian house 😳🀯, but I shall not linger on that.

In unpacking and trying to find a new, semi-permanent home for our belongings, I found a sense of peace, calm, and stability fall over me. Actually, it has been over a year of uncertainty and movement, which causes one to feel unease even if one gets used to it. So, as I was unfolding my clothes – while also doing an ‘edit’ (as per the Home Edit) – I felt my mood lift into a lighter space than it has been lately.

Although I do not think of myself as overly materialistic, I do acknowledge that I have a great appreciation for my belongings – especially my clothes. Somehow, my possessions give me a sense of groundedness, perhaps as a concrete expression of easing my dis-ease in moving around so much in my early years. Funnily enough, now that everything is with me, I am less attached to many of the items that I have hung on to for years.

So, back to the question – what ten things would I want to take with me in the event of a fire?

Practical responses include: paperwork (adoption, birth, marriage), passport, laptop, and clothes – though only if convenient and there is time.
Sentimental responses include: my years of journals, new paintings with value, …

Really that is it. Almost everything is replaceable and, my journals will someday be tossed anyway, so… in essence I really don’t need anything except my paperwork and passport.

Yet, the sense of peace and calm that falls upon me as I sit amidst all of worldly comforts is fully appreciated in this moment. 😜

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Doing and Being – Me

 Going Mental  No Responses »
May 102022
 

Last week’s poem was a few days/weeks in the making.

I have been feeling a desire to return to writing poetry as sometimes prose is too wordy and lacks an elegance that poetry has in expressing thoughts or emotions. It has been a while since I have used it as a way of expressing myself, but it finally turned into something. This poem came out of recent conversations and ponderings.

My father has always had a zest for life. My husband carries that same attitude toward it. Pea (our female Beagle puppy) seems to have it, while Monty (her brother) is less cheerful – albeit still very cheerful. I do not have it. I never have. In fact, I barely even understand the concept of it.

Still, aside from one or two moments in my life, I have not considered escaping it by my own means. It is not the case that I even hate it. My life is good. The Universe and God have given me more than others might even imagine possible. Yet, I do not love the act of living.

For as long as I can remember, I have said and felt that if I were to die tomorrow, it would be with relief and satisfaction that at last my time in this world is ended. This is not to say that I actively put my life in danger nor that I have a completely blasΓ© attitude about how I go about living. It is to say that I do not hold on to any particular passion or mission that I feel I must fulfill in order to live fully. In fact, passion and mission are not something I think I have ever had nor desired.

Some people are driven by a passion for a craft, a political stance, a fight, an activity, a sense of changing the world. Some people think it is their mission to achieve some goal of success whether it is money, life changes, global improvements, human advancements and the like. I am not. I do not.

So, why do I get up every morning? Why don’t I just kill myself as my husband once asked me in a frustrated conversation about my laissez-faire attitude toward life?

The truth is that I don’t have an answer. I no longer actively consider what gets me out of bed. I no longer actively desire to know my purpose. When I was younger, I spent a lot of brain power on these questions and contemplated, read, discussed how I should live a purpose-filled life. What I found was that, it doesn’t matter.

All our aims at finding happiness, wanting what others have, trying to change the world, being concerned about the state of society, etc. contribute to a continued cycle of discontent and frustration. I have learned that by finding contentment in myself, my life, my ways – all the areas of my control – I do not need nor desire to be involved in the other thoughts. Call me selfish, if you like, but honestly I don’t care.

I have always felt that we, humans, are too controlled and dependent on others. My belief in the power of humanity is based on the power of individuals realizing their strengths and then working with others respecting each other as individuals to create something better. Unfortunately, this rarely ever happens – but it does, and when it does – WOW. Perhaps, it is those moments that I live for….

In any case, I do not feel that life is meant to be about being happy or having zest for the living. While I hope that I have and give value to others, I am also content to just do and be – me.

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

A poem: Life Just Is

 Writing  1 Response »
May 052022
 

Life just is – a wandering of this world
trying to discover what will unfurl.

Life just is – a string of experiences
some good, some bad, some open doors, others fences.

Life just is – a chance to learn
about ourselves, about others, about on what we should concern.

Life just is – but a brief moment
and of what is beyond us, we only have a hint.

Life just is – the here, the now
and each day, I simply try to survive it somehow.

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

AAPI, AANHPI, or MH Month?!

 Going Mental  No Responses »
May 032022
 

America is viewed as a country that will celebrate anything. A common observance shared with me by non-North Americans is the exuberance of Americans at amusement parks, conferences, sporting events, and our observances of different months, holidays, etc.

Having not lived in the US for some time now, I am not as well-versed in the norms of my adoptive country nor its people. However, running The Universal Asian has forced me to get back into touch with various cultural elements, which includes celebrating/sharing focused content in certain months.

So, May has been declared as Asian American and Pacific Islander (AAPI) awareness month, now also referred to as Asian American, Native Hawaiian and Pacific islander (AANHPI) month or some remove American and use “Awareness” as part of the acronym – Awareness of Asians and…. It’s all very confusing! On top of that, I have seen that May is also “Mental Health” awareness month – so what do we focus on or support?

The truth is that I find it all a bit bizarre and mostly a capitalist mentality. I mean, the Easter bunny came to be so that chocolate companies could benefit, after all. The problem is that with the ‘woke’ and ‘cancel culture’ mentality, one can no longer ignore these trends when trying to survive and thrive in a social media-based/influenced world.

All of it really makes me want to take a step back from anything connected to social media. I really just want to write, then turn off my computer to soak up the sun β˜€οΈ, read a book πŸ“–, and listen to the birds 🐦whittle on in the background.

Last night, M and I had heated discussion about the continuation of The Universal Asian (more on that later), and for a long moment, I decided to shut it down – after sleep, I have since temporarily reconsidered. The thing is that I do not NEED to do it. I do not NEED to make it successful. I do not NEED to care or provide the space. I, personally, do not NEED nor MUST nor WANT to make it my life’s worth or work. I do it because I believe it has value and I believe the space is needed – plus it gives me something to do that focuses externally rather than in my own headspace. However, if another space/organization/group/entity wanted or started a similar space with more success, money, etc. then I would be content.

M retorted with a confused look as to how I do not have passion for something that he thinks is a great concept. I explained that my existence has never been fueled by passion or driving forces. I have ambition and I have motivation to do or create a lot of things from the many ideas that fill my head. I have a good instinct for things that work or do not make sense. However, there is no burning fire in my belly to achieve anything in particular in life. So, if nothing ever comes to fruition from my ideas, I’m totally and completely OK with it. Life, mine and others, will go on – that’s an absolute.

Fact is, if I were to die tomorrow or learn that I was dying, I would welcome it with relief. My father and M have said that they would be pissed off if they were in that position because they feel they still have things to do in this life. I do not. I never have. I have lived and experienced life fully, in my opinion, but I do not treasure it nor want to hold on to it.

It is with this outlook that I do not understand the role of awareness months or focused observances of days like International Pancake Day or Siblings Day, etc. If we want to appreciate something, then just do it – do it every day or do it when the mood strikes. Why do we need to be forced to give credence to a particular day or a particular month? To me, that shows less passion, drive and commitment than those who make it their life’s mission to raise awareness on whatever topic they feel inclined to take on.

Anyway, maybe my passion is in trying to expand the awareness of others to look beyond the trends and so-called norms, to live life so that one can be satisfied if they found out they were dying tomorrow…. πŸ€”

Whatever the case may be, I think I have brought AAPI/AANHPI and MH awareness to you reader now, haven’t it?! 😜

~T πŸ”₯πŸ‰β™‹οΈ

Happiness in May

 Creative Meanderings, Writing  No Responses »
Aug 032021
 
  • Happiness is the waking of the dawn
    when the birds sing their song
    to catch their bugs and worms,
    when the air is fresh and there are no terms
    when it’s quiet before human activity begins
    to overwhelm and override their sins.
  • Happiness is that feeling of familiarity
    seeing the world with comfortable clarity,
    knowing what’s around the bend
    and hoping the peace never ends.
  • Happiness today is the sense of release,
    the built up stress can temporarily cease!
  • Happiness today is the sun shining through the wind,
    sitting in the warmth of its rays welcoming whatever the universe will send.
  • Happiness today is the yoga mat
    where one can be sat
    focusing on breath, body, and alignment
    with the mind, soul, and physical to find a balance and be content.
  • Happiness today is being present in the here and now
    without worrying about the what, when, or how;
    breathing in, breathing out; I am here, now.
  • Happiness today is my morning cup of coffee
    what lies inside and ahead we cannot yet see,
    but that is what makes the adventure;
    creating our greatest future.
  • Happiness today is companionship and love
    in the form of soulmates and kindred spirits sent from above;
    through laughter, food, and wine
    we shall enjoy the passing of time.
  • Happiness today comes with a purr,
    the warmth and softness of their fur;
    patiently waiting for me to wake
    for the food they are dying to partake.
  • Happiness today is in the rain coming down
    as it means a period indoors aside from a quick trip to town;
    cats are napping thanks to the grey,
    but even that makes me smile, I have to say!
  • Happiness today is the cup of English Breakfast tea
    made as part of the morning routine for my husband and me;
    it’s the compromise of our blending – English and American –
    first there’s tea, then coffee, sometimes made by me and sometimes by my man.
  • Happiness today is the adrenaline rushing
    in preparation for nearly 200 people watching
    an online event for adoptees,
    who were all sent overseas.
  • Happiness today is the feeling of making a difference
    when another being can sense
    they are not alone,
    but through their tribe, are at home.
  • Happiness today is the color green
    and the gift of all that can be seen;
    sometimes we miss or take for granted
    a view that may be slanted
    on the spectrum toward grey,
    but there are so many colors in a day.
  • Happiness today is feeling awake
    besides getting up early by mistake,
    with a restless night’s sleep,
    a nap in the afternoon sun will be no leap.

~T πŸ˜€

Hello There, It’s Me!

 Going Mental, Writing  2 Responses »
May 272021
 

Below is a piece that I wrote in a short three-week β€œAdoption Writing Experience” class that I have been taking. Today is sadly the last of the series, but it has made me fall in love with writing again. So, thank you, πŸ™πŸ½AP! πŸ’ž

β€œWithin two days on my own, I feel as if I’ve let out my breath from holding it for the past 16 months. My husband is lovely. He’s a cheerful labrador, but I prefer to liken him to a poodle on crack. His energy consumes while mine diffuses. As I exhale, he inhales, but I inhale his exhale.

As a couple, the teeter-totter balancing act is what keeps the adventure of life going; sometimes one is up, others times it’s down. However, like being at the bottom while trying to carry something up a flight of stairs, the weight can become heavier and heavier. 

I think now, this was me over the last couple of months.

Perhaps Lady Universe heard my sighs and heavily whispered pleas for a break, because I finally have found a way out of the heavy load. My breath can be my own again.

Solitude and quiet recharge me. It’s in the quiet that I can filter the noise and find my own voice. Like sifting through the cereal box to find the special toy, I need space to pour out the box and move the marshmallows and bits that distract from the prize.

When I can write and hear my own voice, I can be what I need to be for others. When this is overridden, I struggle and all the other voices in my head start to make me feel like I’m going crazy.

So, it is nice to say Hello to me again and to let myself know that I’m not losing my mind, but rather finding it again.

My resolution for when my lovely bouncing ball of energy returns is to gently let him know that I need the space and time daily to hear myself so that we can continue to teeter-totter together with joy rather than let the burden get heavy again.”

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

I wrote this last week and then M came home. It was a strange feeling having him back as four days was just enough for me to get into my own rhythm and settle into my ways. There was an inner turmoil in me that I had to observe as I think that I had an increased load on my sympathetic nervous system. πŸ’ͺπŸ½πŸƒπŸ½β€β™€οΈ

Inside, I felt unjustifiably bitter that I was letting go of my newfound routine just because M was back. However, logic and reasoning returned to remind me, β€œTara, you’re an adult, nothing is stopping you from doing what you want. Just be reasonable.”

So, I did.

My yoga and meditation time returned easily. My writing time, though, still needs some work to compromise on the head/energy space. We both like to be outside in the sun when we can, but he likes/needs to talk or have noise and I do not. Therefore, a schedule is probably needed on my part so that I can find that quiet space, whether in the sun or not, and still have time to enjoy the extroverted lifestyle each day.

In any case, I’ve been given another couple of days of quiet to keep working on the balance and defining the priorities. So, thank you Universe! πŸ˜‡β˜€οΈπŸ™πŸ½

~T πŸ˜€

16 Months of Togetherness

 Going Mental  1 Response »
May 202021
 

Yes, pictures are coming, but saving that post for when I have fewer words to share. πŸ˜…

M went on a trip for mostly business, but a little pleasure (for both of us) this week. He left on Tuesday afternoon and returns on Saturday evening.

His original plans were to combine a stop in Spain and Brussels, but the Spain portion got moved, so rather than cancel or limit the Brussels portion, he extended it. Plus, then he’ll still go to Spain next week. πŸ™ŒπŸ½

Now, I’m not going to lie. When the trips were planned initially, I was not for it as the timing was less than ideal. Panic and PTSD rose in me so that my poor husband thought that I wouldn’t let him go at all – ever. He had forgotten that I have been dying for some solitude, quiet, and independence for months – 16 in fact.

However, the timing coincided with having to move out of our rental and head to Italy thereafter along with the fact that I still do not have more than a number to legitimize my being in a foreign country. I think I had a fair point on why he shouldn’t be traipsing off. Though, I probably could have expressed with less drama and emotion, but well… it’s done. πŸ€ͺ

So, when we found out that we had to return to France πŸ‡«πŸ‡· anyway, I was more open to the idea of him going off for a few days – more like ecstatic! 🀣 Even though it meant coming back a bit earlier and paying more money for a place, it has been more than worth it!

While we have ridden out the past year plus quite well and our love remains fully intact, there is a lot to be said for a bit of time apart. Before, I could enjoy quiet moments at home most days with M off to work at his office. Then, we started sharing workspace. Our styles greatly differ by the nature of our work, but also by who we are as individuals. Although he, as an extrovert, wasn’t able to see others and charge up in that way, he could still refill his batteries by venting on the phone, Zoom, etc. Unfortunately, this does not work for an introvert, who needs silence and alone time to recharge. My batteries have been running on low for 16 months…. 16 …

It’s only been two days, but already I can feel a sense of myself again. I have made sure that I see friends each day so that I don’t completely close up into my shell, but my batteries are charging reminding me of who I am when full.

With about two more days to go, I will continue to recharge but also take the opportunity to think about how to bring back the balance for myself once M is back. It’s not like he can go away every week – nor do I really want him to -, but the importance of making sure I can recharge better has been noted. πŸ˜‡

~T πŸ˜€

Europe Phase II Part 2a

 Going Mental, Meanderings Abroad  1 Response »
May 162021
 

Bonjour from France again! πŸ‡«πŸ‡·

So… the Universe heard my pangs of frustration and loneliness by providing us with our plan of action for Phase II Part 1 and 2.

Part 1 Recap

I already covered most of Part 1 in the previous post. We ate as a coping mechanism, but thankfully it was only one real meal a day in early afternoon applying daily intermittent fasting so that our bodies could use as much time as possible to digest the tasty offerings of the Italian cuisine.

Basically, our visa situation both got simpler and more complicated at the same time. Our Internet woes were only really remedied by taking advantage of cafe culture, which generally works best for me anyway, but isn’t as good for running an online magazine as my big screen iMac. πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ

Our plan to move to a bigger place has become reality, only in a different country….

Part 2 – The Visa

It seems that the procurement of the mystical Type-D visa is reasonably straightforward from the Italian embassy. Since our last “residency” is considered France, thanks to M’s ability to get it swiftly and my dependency (not so thankful), we think we don’t have to consider the US aspect for me.

Although we were led to believe that we could simply go to Nice, which isn’t far from where I wanted to be based anyway, to be near my friends, we learned that thanks to the Pandemic C, all consulates have been closed and the only place we can do this visa processing is through Paris.

The upside is that we get to visit Paris. It’s a city that I’m not all that enamored with after visiting it once on my own for a few days in a very cold and wet November a few years back. M loves the charm, which I deem cliche and over-hyped. So, he is determined to show me the reason why it is considered a city of love πŸ‘©β€β€οΈβ€πŸ’‹β€πŸ‘¨ …. We shall see. 😜

Unfortunately, the earliest appointment we could get is for June 10th. This is about a month away. Luckily, the consulate is communicating quickly and clearly via email, so I feel a bit more at ease with that.

So, why are we in France now?

Well, M has to travel around the EU for work. Now that the borders are open again with just a negative PCR, he is eager to go away. As it has been about 15 months since we spent a night apart, I’m equally eager for him to go away. πŸ˜‰

Since M wants to travel and I really cannot go across borders unless by car, where the likelihood of being checked is slimmer, (have done two crossings now and not been stopped 🀞🏽) I felt that it was safer for me to be in France should anything happen as at least I am in the system here for my residency application. Plus, I have friends here and can speak some of the language. I could not say the same for the tiny town that we were living in; and the dark stone-walled apartment that I would end up hiding away was not conducive to stability in my mental health, which is a bit on edge as it is with the stress all of this is applying to my carefully constructed sanity. 🀹🏽

Therefore, we have rented a lovely place near where we were before (and my friends) for the next six weeks. At the time that we rented, we didn’t know that it would be possible to get our visa on the same day as the appointment as we had heard it could take a couple of weeks. So, we wanted to be safe….

We will have to be out the day before my birthday, so am not sure what we will do as that is a long way away and our plans are ever-changing. However, I am already a million times happier having only been here for about four hours. I’ve got my friends on notice and plans in motion. πŸ’ƒπŸ½πŸ₯‚

I’ll share some photos next time. For now, I’m just reveling with lighter air! ✨

~T πŸ˜€

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