Feb 242012

An update on what I’ve learned so far –

A woman who lives at the number that was left in the post called me back. She said that Cathy used to live with her, but that she hasn’t heard anything about her for 12 years. She said the last she heard, Cathy had moved to Seattle, WA. Also, she said that she is/was a drug and alcohol therapist. The woman said that she met Joshua once when he was like 15 or 16 and that Cathy had mentioned me once, but that the woman didn’t really know why I wasn’t with her anymore. I explained it was a complicated story, but appreciated that she had called me back. It’s nice that people do that.

So, it seems that Cathy and James (the father) divorced long ago – was it because of me?

I searched again, seems that Cathy gets around…last said address is somewhere in CA in 2010…. Thus, I thought my next step might be to contact James. Maybe he can shed some light, but perhaps he’d be more reticent to delve back into the past. We shall see.

Interesting how things are moving, but I suppose it could be worse. πŸ˜€

Feb 232012

It’s been almost six months since I wrote the first post about my adoption journey. The idea back then was that I would write more regularly about my experience as I try to make time to write my dream novel. Maybe one of these days I’ll find enough discipline and motivation to actually do that. For now, I guess it’s enough that I have spatterings of posts related to the topic.

Anyway, I digress. It’s probably prudent that I explain my previous post and perhaps someone doing a search for Tara Alisha Kolthoff will find this post.

Despite the very different birthdate of the posting (July 27, 1975 has never been my birthday as far as my paperwork goes), the rest of the details of the search for Tara Alisha Kolthoff is me. How did I find it, you might asking yourself?

Well, I was at work, bored. Something from a previous conversation got me thinking about finding my birthmother who is somewhere in the great old US of A. So, I began doing a search for immigration and naturalization records. Nothing was coming up, so I thought I would do a random search for myself since I know all of my details. I didn’t find anything, but this random posting from my second adoptive mother.

I was blown away.

So, of course, when I briefly opened my eyes this morning after four hours of sleep, my mind went into hyperdrive and was a lost cause after I tried to return to sleep for two hours to no avail. Thus, I gave in and did some investigating….

From a little bit of investigation, it seems that the posting was perhaps made back in 1999, which is rather interesting. The phone number she left doesn’t seem to be hers anymore since I put it into the whitepages/people search and it comes up as someone else’s number. I did call it, though and got sent to voicemail. I left a message and so, I guess we shall see what comes of that.

Anyway, the ‘stalker’ in me, then did a search for Joshua Kolthoff. I remember him quite fondly, though he was just about one or two years old when I last saw him…. I found someone on Facebook who could be him, but am not sure. Sent him a message too. From my searching, it seems that the history of that family is complicated, but hard to know for sure just from random and spotty information on the Internet. πŸ™‚

The biggest complication about all of this are my feelings about the whole thing.

Adoptive mother #2 = Mother from hell, Psycho Bitch Lady or The Monster of my nightmares.

Of all the people from my past and all the bad that happened to me, she was the worst. Of all the horrible memories that I have, my time with this family was the most traumatic and damaging to my psyche. I cannot write all the awful, malicious and spiteful things that were done to me here (that’s what the novel is for!). So, although I’ve generally gotten past the hurt and much of the trauma, I am still quite angry deep inside. I hold a lot of bitterness towards this woman. Thus, I wonder why she would try to find me. Is she wanting to apologize for the shit she put me through? If so, why should I give her the satisfaction of soothing her conscience? Or is she really just wondering what happened to me without knowing the effect she’s had on me?

While I am, obviously, willing to listen to her. To talk to her. To let her know about my life. This is also a mysterious period of my life that could be made clearer through a conversation. I could find out more about why I was moved from my first family; how I came to her family; what she was told to make her believe that I was the devil’s spawn; and whatever else she can tell me. Therefore, I guess contact can be beneficial to each of us for our own reasons….

So…I guess I’m on this path to find out more of my past…. What’s also interesting is that I wrote bits of my novel about this sort of thing happening….

Next steps…? This weekend I will write another email to the Social Welfare Society in Korea to get an update about finding my birthmother and then perhaps make plans for a visit to Korea in the summer…

Feb 212012

I’m bored with almost everything.

*My job is a good one and yet bores me to tears. The thought of doing this job for even another three years is quite depressing. I cannot imagine what people were/are thinking who have stayed for so long…. If I am still doing this job after my three-year contract is finished, KILL ME!

*The weather here is lame right now. I can’t complain since I live in a pretty good climate. However, it’s been sandstorming for nearly a week and I’m pretty much over it…besides my balcony garden is suffering!

*I need to exercise and lose some weight, but I have no motivation because I’m exhausted by the time I get home and just want to have a wee drink and dinner, then vegetate on the couch until I pass out at 8pm…yes, that’s the saddest part of my life right now!

*I want to just have a PhD and not have to do all the work involved in obtaining the degree. I’ve become my students – don’t want/need to study, just give me the grades – I deserve it, right? πŸ˜›

So, the solution to all my really rather pathetically superficial woes is to find myself a sugar daddy. I just need a multi-millionaire man who wants to make my life super easy by paying all my debts, letting me travel at will and providing me with all of life’s luxuries, which include daily spa treatments. Am I really asking too much?

Hee hee hee hee hee πŸ˜€

 Posted by at 11:43
Feb 172012

Back in my early days in Japan, my BFF and I dubbed the very disgusting looking jelly food item “Whale Ass”. I’m not exactly sure where it came from, but after that ‘konnyaku‘ was fondly referred to as ‘Whale Ass’.

Over the years, I think she came to be able to eat it. I never could since I pretty much hate anything that is in jelly form. It’s not a natural substance, I tell you! πŸ™‚ It does come in noodle form, which I have eaten, but like this… not ever likely!

Of course, it is natural and it is quite healthy. It’s similar to the Hawaiian poi, which I also find quite disgusting.

Anyway, leave it to the Japanese to find an interesting way to use Whale Ass for beauty purposes. Now, you can give yourself a facial cleanse using their ‘Konnyaku Facial Sponge‘.

Ah hahahahahahha. All I can think of is that you’re gonna wipe your face with Whale Ass!



 Posted by at 10:23
Feb 132012

Yesterday I thought I was going to die and really just wanted someone to put me out of my misery.

I awoke with a visit to the bathroom that would scare anyone, but thought it was a one-time deal for the day. Upon arriving at work, I proceeded to visit the bathroom numerous times with each visit being more disturbing and difficult than the previous one. Since I carpool to work, I had to wait until my carpooler finished his class; thus I spent much of the day on the cold (though carpeted) floor under my desk at work. I couldn’t even go to class because I was afraid I would have to run out of the room every few minutes and that would not be fun….

By the time I got home, I was no longer vomiting up yellow liquid. I had decided that despite all the advice to keep drinking fluids, I wasn’t going to consume anything more until I at least got home to the nearness of my own toilet bowl. Apple juice proved to be much better than water and I am happy to say that I haven’t vomited since.

R was a good nurse and boiled up some potatoes for me saying it was the best medicine for the liquid coming out of the other end of my body. Though I couldn’t eat much, it did prove to help some. Most of the afternoon/night was spent trying not to move too much as my body was also filled with aching. Some ibuprofen and lots of sleep helped.

This morning I got up at normal time thinking I might make an effort to go to work, but after a morning toilet visit and an upset stomach, I decided not to chance another day of misery at the office.

Thankfully, I seem to be on the mend. I have had miso soup, ramen noodles, cheese and a small bowl of stew and mashed potatoes with apple juice and water today. I’m hoping that it will all be normal and with another good night’s rest, I should be right as rain tomorrow.

The only good thing that comes out of being sick is that I really appreciate being healthy afterwards!


 Posted by at 19:47
Feb 082012

This morning on the way to work I suddenly felt a bit panicky for no real reason. Of course, anyone driving on the roads in the morning might feel tense or a bit anxious, but this was remnant of my panic attacks from before.

Tonight, as I have been trying to write a short blurb for a new writing site I joined, I had a hard time concentrating. After I finished, I decided to try to work on the presentation that I have a month to prepare and my heart beat started to increase to the point that I can feel the pounding in my chest like my heart is going to explode.

Honestly, there’s no reason for any of my sudden increase in these physical responses, but I will be keeping an eye out to make sure I don’t fall back into a similar/old situation….



 Posted by at 19:42