Standing in and Sharing the Light

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Aug 102020
 

Generally, I limit my social media interactions. For the longest time, I thought it was just because I do not care so much about what is going on in other people’s lives that I need to be updated regularly. However, just as its use has evolved, so has my reasoning for why I’m bothered by about 90% of what is out there these days.

Some time back someone recommended an author to me who writes about the peri menopausal/menopausal conditions of an aging woman from a rather humorous perspective – Nora Ephron. I read one of her books and it was indeed relatable and entertaining, but there was something that rubbed me wrong as I was reading her book “I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman”. Initially, I thought it was the experiences she relates as a white, middle class, empty-nesting mother. Or, I thought perhaps I am just not yet old enough to appreciate it.

However, as time passed and I contemplated it more, I have found that the same niggling that bothered me about Ephron’s book is what irritates me about most social media posts (in particular, FB).

Some people are like me who post the various things they do in a day with a more upbeat tone. I try to share things to let those who follow me – particularly my family whom I don’t get to see often – that I’m still alive and enjoying life, for the most part. I do not post to have political discussions or to commiserate about the woes of my life. My outlet for that is this blog and it is one-sided mostly – as in, almost no one comments and even then there isn’t a back and forth dialog that happens on FB.

It is that aspect of commiseration that bothers me. Ephron’s book is one long commiseration for others in the same mindset and phase of life as the author. However, the tone of the pity party isn’t to uplift or to inspire, but to wallow and help others to feel okay about wallowing as well. In other words, the message is “Don’t feel bad about feeling bad, others feel bad too.”

While I understand the need to acknowledge that sometimes we just need to vent and have at least one person out there make us feel accepted and not alone, I do not think that this should be done on social media. Along the same vein, I do not think that social media should be used to present our lives as better than they are to give others a false sense of who we are.

People have sometimes asked me if my life is as good as it seems when I post pictures of my holidays or what I see and do. I always answer, YES my life is THAT good. It is. But, when I do have my down moments, I look to those around me to offer support and love or I call home to connect and address my homesickness. I do not put it up on a platform to make myself feel better by getting words of commiseration from people whom I may or may not really know and continuing a cycle of: not feeling bad that I feel bad because others also feel bad, so let’s all feel bad together….

The fact is that many people out there are truly struggling. Perhaps they can’t find work. Perhaps they can barely put food on the table. With quarantine and pandemic rhetoric, there are probably people suffering from depression, and isolation may not be serving them well. Therefore, posting about our inability to travel or go out regularly or having to cope with the ‘new normal’ – I hate this phrase, by the way -, we are promoting a negative message. For some, they may think, “If this person, who seems to have it all together, is moaning, then how will I ever get out of my own spiraling personal hell?!”

The truth is that many of us are quite privileged – we have the luxury to eat fully, bake regularly, work from home, order food if we don’t want to cook, see friends nearby, video chat with family from afar, and so much more. So, I feel that we should be sharing the little ways that we find joy in our days – a colorful butterfly, a flower blossom, ducklings on the river, the smile of a neighbor, moments to write or start new projects, etc. Spreading moments of joy and happiness provides others with hope and may inspire them to also see light in their version of darkness.

I’m not saying we should pretend that our lives are grand. I’m saying that the old adage of “If you don’t have anything nice to say/post, then don’t say/post it at all (especially on social media)” should be put into place, especially as we navigate our way through the current state of the world. If we all work toward bringing a little bit more light into the world, then even our own clouds of grey can be swept away.

~T 😀

One to One

 Going Mental  No Responses »
May 192020
 

If you look at my Facebook friends numbers, it says 914 as of today. One might think that I am a social butterfly with numbers like that.

However, it just goes to show how much numbers can be used to express, or give the perception of, something that is quite far from the truth.

Initially, I was going to write this post regarding my preference for just a few friends rather than many, but as I sat to write my mind drifted to the more current matter of how numbers are being used to try to convince people to “fall in line” with societal pressures to stay at home and socially distance themselves from others.

This morning, I read that to create prosperity we have to study about money (Rules of Wealth). In doing so, we learn the lingo and language, lifestyle and way of thinking that people with money, or who understand money, use to be wealthy.

The academic in me wholeheartedly embraces this advice. The anti-news consumer in me wholeheartedly rejects this advice. Somewhere in the middle is the skeptic who says that maybe it is true that if I don’t follow this advice I will limit my prosperity, but perhaps it also doesn’t hurt to learn a little bit and expand my knowledge base.

Most strongly, though, is my issue with numbers. Every day, we read about the latest numbers for the newly infected, deaths, and those hospitalized due to COVID-19. Now, these numbers can only reflect one piece of the bigger picture. Our attention has been trained to focus solely on the illness itself. Only this week have I started to hear discussion in the media regarding people’s livelihoods. Suddenly, with unemployment benefit applications rising to nearly a quarter of the US population there is interest in numbers related to the economy, households, etc.

The media is now going to force people to apply their emotional responses to the sad stories of those who are struggling because of the global shutdown. However, my issue is why wasn’t there some forethought applied before when decisions were made to blow numbers out of proportion scaring people into believing that it was a social responsibility to stay at home and close down the world? Where was the sense of social responsibility when it came to ensuring that people could pay bills, put food on their tables, and feel secure in being able to provide basic needs for themselves and their families?

I know I already ranted about this before, but when thinking about numbers again, I am amazed at the lack of desirability for the powers that be to make one to one correlations. I am amazed at how little skepticism is applied to what high numbers represent.

Just because my Facebook says I have 914 friends, does not make a one to one reality that they are all actually my friends.

It doesn’t seem like we need basic math(s) for that….

~T 😀

Keeping Up with Normal

 Going Mental  No Responses »
May 152020
 

This week, I decided to create a new “Quarantine Schedule” to try to get myself ready for the eventual return to regularly scheduled activities.

Since I have gotten used to having time at home everyday, I decided it was time to start behaving as if I were going to an office – just minus the commute. Also, I have allowed some flexibility with how I spend my time during the day just as I would even if I were in the office. I mean, I am always multitasking; it’s just what I do. 😉

To be honest, though, I am not eager to go back to the old normal. I am also unsure what the new normal will look like. A part of me is keen to be able to redefine my full-time work, which was starting to happen before ‘pandemic’ life took over. However, a bigger part of me is just content to let life continue as is – work from home all the time….

Having this time to reflect on what I would like life to be has been good. Something that I have become even more aware of than before is that all things are temporary.

In returning to a mindfulness meditation practice, I have been able to re-focus on the fact that our society, language, lives, environments, and circumstances are always in motion.

However, ironically, the one thing that seems to stay the same are people. You know that saying that a Zebra can’t change its stripes? On some level, I wholeheartedly disagree with this as people can change if they really want to. It takes work, reflective activity, and persistence, but it is humanly possible. Unfortunately, most people give up with the pathetic excuse that they ‘can’t’ change. Really, they should say they ‘won’t’ change.

These days, it is normal to say things like “I am who I am” or “I have to learn to love myself for who I am”. While the general sentiment behind these statements are true when we play negative recordings on repeat to self-sabotage, it does not excuse us from trying to be better human beings.

One thing that has contributed to my break from social media are the posts that suggest people should “forgive themselves” for not doing anything during these anxious times. It’s true that if your body and mind are feeling stressed and anxious that we should focus on keeping ourselves healthy. However, this should not be used as an excuse to be complacent or stagnant in life.

There is never a day or time that I can honestly say that I’m bored or that I have nothing to do. There are so many books in the world to read. There are thousands of online courses for free to take and learn something new. There are millions of YouTube videos to watch that teach us how to do things. There are gazillions of recipes to try. There are stories to write. There are miles to walk. There are billions of people to help. There is ALWAYS something to do. It is by this belief that I live my life.

In doing so, it’s hard to keep up with all there is out there to be done. Shouldn’t this be the new normal?

~T 😀

Be Free and Prosper

 Going Mental  1 Response »
May 122020
 

A month has flown by!

The last time I wrote, we were just going into the State of Emergency (SoE) within a few prefectures, then all of Japan was brought under the declaration. Despite the initial plan to return to life as we knew it by May 6th – after the Japanese Golden Week(end) holidays -, we found ourselves with an unsurprising extension until the end of the month.

Even then, there’s no certainty that the SoE will be lifted in Tokyo as the government has set a target of reducing exposure, measured by train use (I think), by 70-80%. Although Golden Week was relabeled as “Stay At Home Week”, it seems that people are getting restless despite the reported numbers.

With the weather warming up and people finding it more and more challenging to stay inside every day, I am not confident that the lofty target will ever be reached.

As the rest of the world starts to reassess, I find myself wondering what it was all for. Some may not want to believe in conspiracy theories, and I’m no lover of them either, but I absolutely do not believe that government actions on a global scale such as we have seen was done over something only slightly worse than SARS.

Now, I’m not a scientist. I’m not even reading up on it. I’m not up-to-date on political actions or economies domestic or abroad. I care very very little for any of these things. In fact, in all honesty, I care very little for the numbers touting millions of cases of infection or 286 thousand plus deaths (7% of those infected).

I’m a big believer in the fact that our planet is massively over-populated and that the Universal Earth is probably letting us know this directly since slowly warming up the planet and highlighting the loss of flora and fauna hasn’t been effective. I’m also a believer in the Darwinian theory of survival of the fittest.

I know it’s not politically correct anymore to think this way. I know it sounds harsh and lacking in compassion. However, my response is, get over your emotions and look at this rationally and with logic.

This virus is not randomly killing people at unimaginable rates. Instead, there are known factors as to who gets infected. There are known factors as to why people die. There are also known factors as to how it can be spread.

Therefore, logically and rationally speaking, global national lock downs preventing people from working to support theirs and their families’ livelihoods is absolutely mind-bogglingly stupid. From my own experience, I know that it takes but a blink of an eye to become financially destitute. Not knowing how you are going to eat or pay rent or any bills is beyond stressful – more stressful than worrying about catching a virus that may or may not kill you. Then, the building back up, paying back debt, and getting back on one’s feet can take years – if at all possible.

In fact, the thought of dying by one’s own hands is a higher risk than getting sick.

So, again, I ask you, what is the reason behind all of this?

How did we become a society where the minority dictates and rules the actions of the majority? When did the majority determine that they should be ruled by illogical and emotional rationalizations?

My guess?

Privilege.

I’m not talking just about white people, though they are the majority. But, there are plenty of privileged people of color spouting the same messages.

“Stay at Home” / “We are in it together” / “It’s not about you, it’s about saving lives” / “Wear a mask because you care about other people”

These are words of the privileged. These are words of those who are still getting paid every week or month in their jobs. These are words of those who have enough money to carry on their everyday lives. These are words of those who are healthy. These are words of those who already live apart from others. These are words of those who do not have to worry.

The privileged are not debating whether or not they have the ability to stay at home away from others and their jobs. The privileged are not in it together with those who are struggling to put food on the table. The privileged are not forced to think about how to save their own lives. The privileged are not caring about other people, but themselves and their loved ones.

Now, I know I am privileged. I am getting paid regularly and I love working from home. I am healthy, though less so from being home all day. I also am lucky that as an introvert, I am living my best life right now.

My husband is not. (Obviously, he’s still privileged because he has me as a wife! 😛 )

However, we both know what it is like to struggle and have to rebuild. That was in “normal” times.

Again, there is no rational reason for the lock downs, shut downs, put downs.

It should be our choice whether or not to expose ourselves just as we do every year when flu season hits. (Yes, I do understand this is NOT the same as the annual flu.) It should be our choice as to whether or not our financial status is good or bad based on our own decisions – not the governments or my neighbors’.

We need to remember that people are whole people. We need to make room to allow people to make their own decisions and to know what is best for them and their families. We need to be free and prosper as we see fit.

This… this is absolutely inexplicably unacceptable….

~T :/

Kindness

 Going Mental  2 Responses »
Feb 282020
 

Last weekend we took an overnight road trip to Gifu Prefecture. As a UNESCO World Heritage Site, I have wanted to visit here for some time. It’s not along the typical tourist path, so I never quite made it before.

Thanks to some usual, but unexpected traffic getting out of Tokyo, we had a late arrival on Saturday, but we explored the nearby town, Hida-Takayama, which is popular for wooden pieces and it’s sake breweries in old-style houses.

On our way there, we had to cross the Japan Alps, but found that there was nothing really to worry about in our city car. It’s been a rather warm winter and so neither of us had thought to look at the weather report or worrying about our drive. Although, once we saw snow on the hills on the way there, we did lament about not at least bringing along our snow gear in case we had thought to stop for a quick swish-swish down a slope.

Still, we drove along enjoying the pretty views without a care.

Upon awaking the next morning, our excitement at seeing heavy snow fall quickly melted into tentative worry about our drive home. Thus, we headed off to Shirakawa-go without haste.

It was fun despite the chill to walk through the village and see the thatched-roof houses from days of old. We stopped for a ‘local coffee’ and watched the people go by taking in the traditional wintry scene.

Satisfied with our explorations, we prepared for the long journey home. Sadly, we had not prepared enough for the continually falling snow and our little city car with little city tires.

Most cars in Japan have winter tires that help them in all types of weather and terrain. As car-share participants, not owners, we tend not to think of such things. So…sure enough one slippery hill caused the little car to protest. We attempted to burn our way up the hill in hopes of at least getting out of the middle of the road, but the little engine that could, couldn’t. One of the challenges of being in a foreign country is the added stress of not knowing what to do in such situations. Also, it was a car-share rental, so there was only a protocol listed for accidents….

Therefore, I put out my spidey-senses and willed someone to stop to help us. This is not a country of good samaritans for the most part. However, a kind old batty man stopped to help us. He explained that there was no way our car was going to make it back to Tokyo in the current weather conditions. He stated we had two options: 1) buy chains; 2) call a tow truck and wait for at least an hour or more with a hefty bill to go with it.

Obviously, since NOM (nice old man) was willing to drive us to a gas station to see if we could buy some chains, we chose that option. It’s been a long time since I’ve had to use chains or drive in snow, but I felt confident one of us could figure it out. My gregarious husband did not let on that he had, in fact, never driven in snow nor touched chains before in his life. Luckily, his hubris covered until we were well on our way! 😛

I think the NOM had a sense that we “city-folk” were at a loss, so even though we gave him the equivalent of about $50 for taking us 12km round-trip, he also helped us in the cold to get the chains on and see us on our way.

Everything went smoothly and we made it through the rough patches. It only added on about an hour to our long journey and we managed to laugh our way through it all; so in the end we can share it as an experience and adventure!

What was rather strange about the whole thing was that we were just talking about how it never hurts to just be nice to people. There are plenty of times when we feel like we don’t have patience with others, but small acts of kindness build up good karma. Inevitably, we will be dependent on the kindness of others and want to be extended it, so we should always be in the state of mind to do the same. So, our sentiments were reinforced by NOM. 😀

Next time, though, we vowed to at least make sure we knew what to expect weather-wise. Plus, now we have chains that will fit most city cars – just in time for spring! 😉

~T 😀

“Well, I tried…”

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Aug 122019
 

While waiting at the airport with my mother due to our seven-hour delay to get to Mongolia 🇲🇳, I did a lot of people watching. I am always fascinated by behavior whether as a social norm or an individual. Often, I find myself imagining what people are thinking or the background behind their actions. 💡

As we were sitting on lounge chairs to pass the time, people came and went to rest before boarding their flights.

Some people dropped their stuff on multiple chairs to lay claim to them while freely coming and going. Some people rested for a few moments and then jumped up to carry on with their business. 🧳 Still others sat down, like we did, pulling out devices 📱and settling in for a long wait.

The seats next to me were generally occupied by a brother and sister 👫, who were like any other kids these days, playing on their devices. Over the period of a couple of hours, they had spread out their things with a sweatshirt hanging on the back of a chair, bags all around, and they were in for the wait.

Finally, the time 🕰 to board their plane 🛫 came and they quickly gathered up their things to stand in line, leaving behind the sweatshirt.

Typical of the lounge seats, they are rarely ever unoccupied for long and soon enough a mother and young daughter swooped in to have their turn in the coveted seats. The mother noticed the sweatshirt hanging off the chair and yelled out to the girl who had just been occupying it. However, the girl was busy putting her things into her backpack 🎒 and no one else was paying attention; so the shout out went unheeded. 🙉

I wondered what the mother would do next while her daughter looked at her with a seemingly similar question. 👩‍👧

The mother simply shrugged her shoulders and said, “Well, I tried.” To which, her daughter accepted and they carried on. 💁🏽‍♀️

I almost laughed out loud. 🤦🏽‍♀️ Was that a reasonable claim to “trying”? 🤔

Only a couple of minutes later, the mother and daughter got up to stand in the same line as the girl who had left the sweatshirt behind. The sweatshirt remained.

Clearly, the mother’s trying was complete and forgotten.

In the meantime, I found myself debating on my own action. In my disbelief with the mother’s claim to have tried, I ran through my own mind 🤯: What is my version of trying? Should I get involved? What if the sweatshirt was actually important to the girl? What if it was the only sweatshirt she had? What if her dead grandmother had given it to her as the last gift she had received from grandma? (Like I said, I can create all kinds of scenarios and drama in my head!🤷🏽‍♀️)

Seeing the girl up ahead in the line, I processed these questions in the 30 seconds or so that they passed through my mind 🧐 and grabbed the sweatshirt. I needed to stretch my legs anyway. I walked straight up the line, asked the girl if the sweatshirt was hers – to which she acknowledged it was -, smiled as she thanked me and went for my walk. 👍🏽

It was a small act and took very little extra effort of “trying” than shouting out to deaf ears and giving up.

What affected me and still lingers in my mind is the human capacity of lying to ourselves on what it means to “try” without any deep consideration of the results in the action.

To me, one of the main reasons that people are unhappy is a lack of empathy and compassion for others or our possessions. That mother had no concern for the left behind object, nor what it might mean to the person who left it behind.

In our privileged world, we tend to take everything for granted. We lose a sweatshirt, we’ll buy another one. We forget a birthday, there’ll be another one. We haven’t talked to a friend in weeks, they’ll still be there.

Yet, what if that sweatshirt can’t be replaced financially, sentimentally? 😢 A little bit more effort could prevent an emotional disturbance. 🤩

What if there isn’t another birthday for that person? 😥 A simple message to acknowledge their life could make a difference in the final days. 🥰

What if your friend isn’t there next week? 😭 A quick “Hey, thinking of you.” could reconnect you and perhaps be just what was needed for both you and your friend. 😇

Everyday, we make choices. We love to claim that we don’t have time to do this or that choosing to connect with our phones or TV rather than “trying” to participate in the building of humanity. 😔

Rather than express our annoyances or joys with one another, we bury our heads into our devices, or tell ourselves that either we or they are unimportant. Thus, we don’t really ever “try”. 🤐

The mother and daughter in the story sadden me 🥺 because the daughter learned from her mother that both objects and people are only worth a minimal amount of ‘trying’ and any conscience-ness can be shrugged away with “Well, I tried”.

As a humanist, I believe we can do better and that we have a responsibility to “try harder”. 💪🏽

~T 😀

Using my own words…

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Jun 042019
 

I am a cynic.

It’s true.

You might be surprised by that if you don’t know me very well. If you do, then you’re probably sarcastically saying ‘no way?!’. 😛 (I hope so, anyway!)

While I was always in awe of former teachers and professors who could quote Shakespeare or the poetic words of the greats, I never truly understood why it was a valued talent. Other than for those who go on to performance-based activities, what useful purpose does this serve?

Furthermore, why do we celebrate the skill of memorizing someone else’s work? Is that really the only way that we can prove or express that we are “learn-ed”? How flattered can the dead be when you quote their work? If you’re still alive, is it truly the highest form of flattery you aspire to receive – to be quoted by others?

These days, it’s almost impossible to scroll through a social media site without reading a posted quote from someone other than the person posting.

Beyond that, we find music, movies, and other aspects of pop culture simply repeating classics or successful predecessors of the genres.

Perhaps, it has always been this way. Or, perhaps, it was the way before we could access information at our fingertips to recall the words of the wise. However, with the changing times, I’m still an old-school cynic. What’s the point of repeating or quoting what others have said without some sort of addition or revision of it?

Now, I’m a fan of the reduce, reuse, recycle mentality. I love it when I see creative ways of re-purposing something whether through mash-ups of songs, turning plastic bottles into shoes, or a new version of Anne of Green Gables. I can get behind this type of ‘change’.

I suppose in academia, receiving a number of references for your work is considered status-worthy, but even then, the best academic papers take referenced work and make them into something new or use it as a foundation to rationalize the contribution to the chosen field.

In any case, my brain is already stretched thin within the capacity that I am able to use it. Therefore, I really don’t feel or see the need to repeat the words of other people.

Additionally, I find it extremely lazy to simply paste a quote into a screen and pretend that I have said it without any expounding of my own opinion or perspective to explain why I am sharing someone else’s expression.

When I scroll through my social media and just see quotes instead of pictures and comments of what is going on in my contacts’ lives, then I swipe up passing posts without any connection or interest. This seems such a waste of my time and others’ for bothering to post it.

So, this is my social observation lately (related to an upcoming post topic), and is not meant to offend anyone. I mean, it’s your social media site and it’s your privilege to put whatever you want on it; just as it is mine to ignore it and ponder at the true purpose of the action. 😉

For me, I want to use my own words as much as possible to express myself in my way. Call me radical, or better yet, just call me cynical. 😀 (But, is it really?!)

And, for those readers who would like to disagree with me, feel free to justify or explain yourself! I love a healthy dialog!!

~T 😀

Common Courtesy…Not so Common?

 Going Mental  No Responses »
Apr 042016
 

I grew up in a world where people were taught to say “Please” and “Thank you”. It was a world where you RSVP’d on time and followed through on your word. If you said you were going to do something, you just did it – no matter the difficulties or challenges that arose; because it was your word that meant everything.

Nowadays, people use words casually without thought to their meaning or consideration for the expectations that they bring when used as promises.

Last week I got married (photos and posts to come soon). Invites went out with plenty of time to RSVP. The RSVP date came and went, but still people had to be chased down to get a response from them as for their attendance. There are a few problems with this coming from the world I grew up in:

*It’s simply disrespectful to ignore an invite to a wedding. The fact that you have been invited to attend an event where two people share their love and publicly promise to commit their lives together should mean something still and your request to be a part of that should feel like an honor – not a right, not a passing event to ignore. To not bother to RSVP on time or at all is disrespectful to a deeply meaningful request even if it means nothing to you personally.

*It’s selfish to not RSVP at all or to ask for a plus one to attend if that plus one was not invited. In both cases, you are not considering that a lot of planning and money go into the invitations and organizing of the special occasion. Weddings are free for you to attend, but in most cases, they are not free to the couple getting married (or perhaps their parents). A lack of response or a request to add one more to the numbers is only a consideration for yourself. A “Sorry I can’t make it” goes much further and shows respect and consideration over a no-response. A “Thank you for your invite” is enough to show your appreciation for the invite to someone’s wedding. Asking to bring someone whom the couple did not initially invite is a bit presumptuous that they would be willing to pay a great deal of money for you to bring someone for your own convenience and preference.

Then, even when all the responses came in there were still some people who were shocking in their lack of courtesy by not showing up to the event at all either without an excuse or a selfish one.

*Forgetting the date is flat out irresponsible and shows a complete lack of care for the wedding couple.

*Choosing not to go out because you were embarrassed at an event the night before is completely self-centered.

*Just not showing at all with absolutely no reason is rude.

We had a number of people tell us ahead of time that they couldn’t make it, but it was done politely and with enough notice that numbers could be changed. Just remember that a wedding entails planning for table seatings, meal plans, ceremony chairs, drinks, nameplates, gifts and so on. It’s not simply saying “Sorry I can’t make it” and then all is good. For you, there’s nothing more, but for the wedding planning it means more emails, more rearranging, financial adjustments, etc.

By not showing up at all, you leave empty seats, paid-for-food and drink left uneaten and drunk, gifts left behind and wasted, and an overall sense of incompleteness because your presence was desired and expected.

Remember that the world does not revolve around you alone and your decisions do not affect only you or those immediately around you. Everyone and everything is interconnected; thus, our actions and words have everlasting effects whether seen or not.

Please just have some common courtesy for others and use your words meaningfully especially when making promises to others.

~T:D

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