If I am Found, does it mean I am lost?

I have just finished watching the Netflix documentary Found.

As it is National Adoption Awareness Month (NAAM), which is not something I really pay much attention to but due to running The Universal Asian, I have to be somewhat aware, at least. This article from the Huffington Post made me nod quite a few times as it is also why I tend not to celebrate these kinds of ‘awareness’ days/months, etc.

Still, as I try to keep abreast of what is going on in the Asian diaspora, and this being the month it is, I thought that I would make a bit more of an effort to educate, or familiarize, myself with other stories that are being shared. The girls/ladies in Found made me reminisce on my younger days when I also was struggling with whether or not I would search for my biological family. Now that I have and come up to a dead end, I find my reaction to the film dredges up a weird sense of anger toward the country, government, system, and even the parents, on the concept of giving up their children. It is all so incredibly inhumane for no justifiable reason that results in so much grief and pain no matter how well one goes on with their life.

As I watched with feelings of sadness, disappointment, and also empathy, I couldn’t help but think on the current state of my search.

I have done DNA testing with those who should be related to me according to my paperwork, and yet they are not related to me at all. My closest DNA relation confirmed is a third cousin; and it is possible that I have found a closer cousin, but she has yet to take steps to confirm that.

On top of that, are the myriad of stories related to the Social Welfare Society that orchestrated my first adoption as being rather notorious for switching babies’ identities at the last minute if a child was returned to their biological homes or something else happened to them. Therefore, it makes me question everything I know about my origins including my name, birth date, etc. because what should have been a straightforward search has left me with so much doubt and mistrust of the information I have.

In watching the film, we get to see the side of the biological parents who are not necessarily actively searching, but are waiting to be found.

I have experienced three different occasions in which I have been told that I should search for my biological family. In fact, they were the impetus behind me starting the process. One NYC taxi driver told me that they were waiting for me to find them because most are not able or don’t know how to go about searching. This film confirmed that. If it weren’t for the woman helping to connect the adoptees with their biological families, the families would not have bothered to move forward in finding their children since they are all poor, feel guilt, and/or don’t know where or how to start.

So, again, I revert back to my own story.

Could someone actually be searching for me, but I was switched when adopted and so they cannot find me? Or, is my paperwork accurate and the truth will always be a mystery?

Either way, I feel anger at the system.

Don’t get me wrong, my love for my adoptive parents does not change, but don’t forget that they didn’t adopt me from Korea. The Universe brought us together for a mutual benefit to each other.

Still, whenever I am told that I must feel lucky for being adopted or expected to feel grateful that I didn’t grow up in an orphanage, I feel anger. I don’t feel lucky and I don’t feel grateful.

I am not lucky to have lost knowing who and where I came from. I am not grateful that I do not fully fit in, nor am fully accepted, in my adoptive country nor my birth one. I am not lucky to have been adopted multiple times and suffered for it. I am not grateful for my supposed better life, because who knows what kind of life I could have had. While growing up in an orphanage may have made me question if I was loved, I would have known my language, my food, and my culture. While I could have had a tough and poor life with my biological family, I would have known my people, my DNA history, my tribe. Of course, I could have still suffered abuse. Likewise, I could have still gotten a decent education and traveled abroad. We will never know the what ifs/could have beens.

Still, just because I haven’t been ‘found’ nor ‘found’ my biological family, I have to say I am not lost. While there was loss in my adoption journey, I know I have found myself along the way.

Thus, the documentary is well worth a viewing; and maybe there will be something new to be Found.

~T 😀