I try to understand
I try to empathize
I try to rationalize
Yet, my words get twisted
Yet, my voice gets lost
Yet, my heart gets pain
How can it be –
This change?
This stranger?
This feeling of loss?
The more I try, the less I sleep
The more I think, the less I understand
The more I rationalize, the less it makes sense
My love is the same
My passion is the same
My feeling is the same
So, why does it all feel different?
~T
June 4, 2011
To whom do I belong?
a biological mother who abandoned me
families that denied me
men who took advantage of my body
a woman who scarred my mental and emotional states
To what place do I belong?
one that sent me away
one that lost me in their system
one that is blind to diversity
one that uses people who look like me
Where do I belong?
near my loving adoptive family
near my adoptive country
near my friends in foreign lands
near my motherland
How do I belong?
by accepting
by adapting
by adjusting
by assimilating
Is this the way I belong?
-T
~March 14, 2011
Like a Choose Your Own Adventure story
Every day has numerous possibilities.
Sadly, we cannot bookmark a page in life
And must make choices
Without being able to go back to said point
When we find we’ve come to a gruesome end.
Instead, we must bravely and confidently choose our path
Some with great cynical optimism and others in hopeful pessimism.
Our saving grace is that every day begins anew,
Allowing us the opportunity to change
The course of our lives
With every decision we make.
So, in God we trust…
So, in faith, hope and love…
So, in believing that there will always be a better tomorrow…
The real question still remains,
What about today?
-T
~January 31, 2011
My dearest birth mother,
It’s been 33 years since I last looked at your familiar face, last heard your loving voice, last felt your warm heart beating against mine, last touched your soft hands. It’s been 33 years since I knew safety and trust at my very core. It’s been 33 years since I smiled and laughed without the hidden pain and sadness. It’s been 33 years ….
After all this time do you still ache for me?
After all this time do you still think of me?
After all this time do you still consider me your first-born daughter?
After all this time do you still hope for the best for me?
Do you regret
giving me up?
hoping for an unknown better future?
having me at all?
Now, where are you?
Now, where would we be if we were together?
Now, where are we?
Now,
Omma
Odi?
Always your birth-daughter,
Om Sun Hui.
Here are a few writings I’ve been working on:
—-
Dear Omoni,
Where did you go just moments after you left me for the last time? Did you hide somewhere to cry at the loss of your flesh and blood? Or did you hold your head up high and pretend that everything was going to be alright as you walked away? Did you hope that one day you would be able to see me again? Or did you begin to forget me from that moment on?
The story is that you gave me up to a foster family after taking care of me for a year. Did you really sign away your parental right to me or was it a mistake that they sent me away – to a foreign land across the waters?
Now, many years later, I’ve learned that you followed me across that ocean just a short year after I took the same journey there. Did you come looking for me? What were you thinking when you looked down at the land that had become my home for the past year and was now to become yours?
If ever I were to find you, these are the questions I would ask you. However, all I can question at the moment is Omma, Odi? (Mother, Where?)
Your daughter of birth,
Om Sun Hui.
Deep in my gut is where I feel it
Deep in my soul is where I know it
Deep in my heart is where I keep it
This feeling
This connection
This love
When I’m with you
The world slows down
When I’m with you
The air feels lighter
When I’m with you
The darkness fades away
Into the laughter
Into the joy
Into the peacefulness
Of this feeling
Of this connection
Of this love
~T
September 5, 2010
When I sum up all that makes me happy –
The color purple
Korean food
Teddy bears
White roses
A beautiful novel
Hope in humanity
Unity among men
Shared joy and laughter
My family
My true friends
My love –
The sun shines a little brighter
The air feels a little warmer
And I smile a lot wider.
-T
~June 6, 2010
Why is it funny to joke –
“You’re adopted”
Is my life funny to others?
Is my lack of known heritage a joke?
Is my lack of identity with any country or culture something to laugh about?
Go ahead laugh it up
Go ahead enjoy your position of power
Go ahead try to forget the truth staring you in the face
I’ll smile along
I’ll hide the pain your joke causes
I’ll pretend to play your game
That’s what we do – the adopted –
We pretend
We smile
We hide
But know this –
My life, being adopted, is no dinner joke
It’s reality.
-T
~June 1, 2010
They say laughter makes a
healthy heart.
For me, being with you is
just the start.
Not only do you make me
laugh,
But you really are like
my other half.
Where I am lacking
You are abundant
Where I am weak
You are strong
Time spent with you is
never dull.
You make every part
of me full.
I love you –
both parts and whole.
All this to say –
You are good for my soul.
~T
May 23, 2010
The horns honk
The sirens blare
And I do not care.
The men gawk
The people stare
And I do not care.
The temperatures can conk
The weather may always be fair
But still I do not care.
For nothing can knock
Me out of this state, so rare
Because it’s for you
That I care.
-T
~March 15, 2010
PS Not a great one, but am trying with different techniques…. 😀
