Creative Meanderings

Nothing creative today, though my emotions run high still with love, laughter and joy. Sometimes I think I need to be pinched to shake me out of this state of bliss I’m in. Yet, the truth is, why should anyone want out of this state??? So, I’m writing a more personal entry today – not usually found on my normal blog even- but, I think it gives some context to my current and future writing.

For most of my known life, I’ve been writing. It started at 8-years-old when I decided it was time to write things down so that I would remember them since I had vague memories before then. Most of what I had wasn’t good and with my new family (the Bilyeus) I was finally making happy memories that I wanted to keep. At the time, I didn’t know how long I would be staying with the family, so I wised up to the purpose of writing.

Now, over 25 years later, I write as reflection and a release. Sometimes it’s as if my thoughts and feelings aren’t real unless I’ve written about them and given them some solid form of existence in this world. I’m not sure what that’s about just yet, but I’ll continue to think on it. ;P

Occasionally I go back over my writings and reflect on how I’ve felt or the state that I was in. As I read back over my recent poems, I can sense the depths of my peaceful state. There’s no sense of uncertainty like there are in previous poems. (Do my random readers see this too?) Though I like to write about love or angst, or other such sentiments, I’m usually much less sure about the nature of my feelings or the ones I may claim to have them for. So, this current place I’m in is new and amazing. It’s like my mind has taken on a different level of peace, contentment and joy.

Every day I laugh. Every day I feel happy and content. I owe that to having found someone I love deeply and truly. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to achieve more. He makes me feel beautiful inside. He knows my moods and thoughts often without speaking and we understand each other like few or even none have ever understood us before. Each day I make a prayer of thanks that he is in my life.

So, when I write, I feel like I strive to find the best ways to express/represent these feelings that run through my soul. Usually, I write to release the subtle or blatant frustrations or doubts of my emotions. Now, I’m writing to release the joy and bliss that is hard to keep bundled up inside.

And so, I’ll end my long post here. I’m in love. I’m in love with who I am. I’m in love with who I am with. I’m in love with who I am, with who I am with. And, while I would normally make a wry statement of sarcasm to lighten the vomit-factor of this happy-state; instead I’ll just end with a contented smile. 😀

Until next time…

-T

I cannot access my regular blog while my usual computer is having surgery fixing its screen. So, this arena must suffice to carry my thoughts, which I prefer to keep separate from my writing – though I can’t really explain the logic behind doing that….

Lately, I’ve been considering the concept of being “an academic” and what exactly that means, looks like or embodies. I like to study, research, read. I love literature and absorb classic novels like water to a sponge. Yet, I cannot quote Shakespeare, recite famous poems or discuss the great literary theories whilst sipping a lovely Merlot (though I can definitely use some Merlot!). To me, it’s cliche to be the “literary” or “academic” who does this and yet it’s this persona that mocks cliches. A bit of a paradox, I say.

So, I wonder though, do I need to learn to play the role? Should I at last learn to act and finally participate in the game under the “normed” rules of society so that I might truly succeed?

Until now, I’ve generally succeeded in this game of life. Until now, I’ve basically seen my efforts pay off, some say it’s because I have not embraced the stereotypes that surround a person like me, with the interests that I have. Yet, I find myself wanting more, deserving more…and so I wonder, do I need to return to basic training and learn to speak, walk and live as an academic, an intellectual, a person of knowledge and wisdom so that I might achieve what I desire? Or will I be selling out somehow…?

-T