The clouds of depression and heaviness of life threatened to pour down over me the last few days. There is never just one trigger that flips the switch from light to dark, but a build up of muck that slowly layers on until the shadows become more obvious. One might wonder how this happens even with regular cleanings, or at least I do.

For me, it happens because I become complacent. I think a gentle wipe of a dustcloth is sufficient sometimes, but eventually the dust resettles and creates the layers. There is nothing to replace a good ol’ cleaning with soap and water to make the lens/window sparkle and let the light gleam through again. Of course, we can do this every day to prevent the eventual build up, but then we would also miss the learnings and realizations that happen.

As I write this, I recalled a song I used to love to play on repeat What You Are by Jewel. One of the lines goes like this:

“And dark is dark
So the stars have a place to shine”

The whole song is wonderful as a reminder to find gratitude in every moment just as we are/it is, which is beautiful with a purpose.

So, after a lovely meditation session this morning I felt the warm breeze gently push the clouds away, returning the full light back to refill my soul again. While it used to feel so much more dramatic when these moments happened as a more youthful person, age and wisdom from experience keeps me collected knowing that “this too shall pass” and nothing lasts forever.

I’m not saying it wasn’t a roller coaster. I’m not saying that my emotions or thoughts should be discounted. They were real, raw, and heavy. 

Thankfully, I drew on the supports I have in place–therapy, self-care, meditation, and patience. Having the tools on hand to do the cleaning is an important step, right after step one–awareness of what is happening.

Weather changings in my head are not new to me. If you have been reading my posts over the years, you will know there is a theme of my trends for ups and downs which can be labeled, though not officially diagnosed nor desired to be. You’ll also know that this awareness of how my mind and moods move have led me to discover the benefits of both physical movement and stillness, i.e. yoga and meditation. Without either of them, I would most definitely be struggling more with my mental and physical health.

Thus, the other day, when a cloud was really darkening over and in me, I took myself to the treadmill for an hour. For some reason, watching mediocre TV shows helps me to reset. Probably, it connects me with home as they are shows that my parents and I would/do watch. It’s not a knock on the quality of them, but really a feeling of safety and security that comes when I watch them. Additionally, we all know that exercise increases the endorphins, or happy hormones. Therefore, it worked well enough. 

Though it was really only a 48-hr cycle this time, it truly felt like much longer. I did no writing. I really passed the days wallowing, stirring the muck more instead of being still and filtering it out. So, now I am back in the clearer waters with a clean lens again.

Back to positivity and productivity!

~T 🔥🐉♋️