Okay, I am irritated. I probably shouldn’t write when I am irritated, let alone publish it for public consumption, and most especially not when it is about one’s partner. But here I am.

First, I should say that I hold a pretty traditional view of life and relationships. Also, I come from a mindset, whether from my familial influences, social norms, or my own created world, where we don’t talk trash about family in public, to other people–basically, we don’t hang out dirty laundry for all to see/hear/gossip. 

So, let’s pretend for the purpose of this post that I’m talking about characters. We all know people in our lives who could fit the description or type, regardless of if they are related or close to you. With that in mind, let’s talk about personalities.

Person A aims to keep calm, bring peace and stability to the world around them. Most things are not necessarily dramatic nor need to be heightened to such levels. Through a lot of personal development, collecting of various tools for the box, and reflection, Person A maintains a well-balanced approach to life, or so they hope is true.

Person B does not necessarily not want what Person A presents, but has a more chaotic energetic nature. They react, they are highly emotional, they would rather not think of themselves as wrong in any situation. Yet, Person B still will stop to reflect, apply personal development skills, and adjust–albeit sometimes much slower and later than Person A. 

Life together with both A and B is generally good. They live well together, move through life as a team for the most part, but there are times when Person A feels out of balance, the butt of passive-aggressive prods, the pin cushion to be poked under the pretense of a “joke” or all in good fun, because it’s “funny” (when it suits), and, if both are honest, is expected to just deal with it. Except when Person A just feels unable to do so. 

If you haven’t figured out who Person A and Person B are, then well, that just means you don’t know me, but surely you can relate or know of situations/people like these.

Though this is a regular cycle of events and conversations, I took it upon myself to consult Gemini about this behavior pattern. Without actually describing in detail the situation but using words like “energetic vortex” and “using wit and charm as a weapon”, it completely described Person B to perfection–gaslighting and causing psychological jujitsu. 

What frustrates me is that Person B either doesn’t see it or doesn’t want to see it from Person A’s point of view. Or, if Person B does, there’s no actual acknowledgement, which most of the time is allowed, but in this moment of frustration is not appreciated.

Ninety-nine percent of the time, I can see people’s battles and need to be at war psychologically with one another. There’s always a power dynamic at play even if it isn’t intended. Seeing people as true equals is a rarity these days. There is generally some judgement–what they’re wearing, how they look, who they’re with, etc. Very rarely is someone assessed purely by their own merit and interaction with another. Despite what my face may project, I try to approach people with zero expectation and zero assessment. Admittedly, it takes me about a minute or so, or less in some cases, to determine whether or not I’d bother with a future conversation with someone, but I attribute that to the fact that I can easily read other people. Being able to see psychological warfare on an energetic level gives me an advantage.

However, this doesn’t mean I have better interactions or that it is easier for me to make a point. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I struggle to express what I see because it’s not tangible. I most definitely struggle to put into verbal utterances what I merely feel or sense. It’s often not taken seriously or makes it easier to gaslight me. 

As I have gotten older, I care less about what other people think of me or the need to be around others. More often than not, I find people exhausting and not worth the sacrifice to my internal peace. Yet, one cannot apply isolationist and avoidance policies when partnered with another in life. Since I do not consider being alone a desirable option, I must find a way to cope, adjust, and be with situations as they arise.

One element in Mindfulness Meditation when difficult thoughts, feelings, or situations arise is to ask, “Can you be with it?” The aim is to be able to answer, “Yes”, which then leads to acceptance, then letting it go with that acceptance. 

Most of the time, I am able to achieve this pattern and I let a lot of things go in peace. But, today, in this moment, I am stuck. I don’t want to be appeased, buttered up, or convinced to let it go. I don’t want to be kind, compassionate, or generous with my forgiveness. Today’s frustration struck an old scar that brings back the shadows of pain as a lingering ache in the heart. So, the question of being with it instead applies to the darker side, and instead of letting it go, I’m holding on to it for a moment longer.

Inevitably, I will let it go. I will return to the light and let Person B sweep the dust bits of damage under the metaphorical rug until the mound becomes too big not to trip over and the cycle repeats itself. 

Gemini told me to focus on keeping my own peace. Truth is that I cannot change Person B, nor would I want to try to take on such an impossible task. One can only hope that it comes about naturally. Life is a cycle of repetitions until we learn what we need from them. 

Until then, I, as Person A, will be with the moments–in darkness or in light–, accept them for what they are, and then eventually let them go. 

~T 🔥🐉♋️