It’s been a busy week since my return from the US. I have a few short posts to get on here as I realized it might be useful to reflect on my 24-hr stay in Las Vegas or thoughts about all the hype over TSA and airport security. However, that is not what is coming to mind just now as I am sitting with only a few minutes left of my scheduled writing time to get some words out.

M left yesterday on his big adventure of participating in the Marathon des Sables. This is something he decided he needed/wanted to do about a year ago now. At last, the time has come for him to test his mental capacity, physical ability, and open himself up to whatever comes for the next week. I am glad he is doing it and hope he gets what he wants from it.

Over the past year, this has been a regular focus of conversations between us and amongst others. Many have expressed concerns over the physical aspect, yet very few have considered or discussed the mental challenge required. In fact, in my/our opinion, the entire race/event is about one’s mental capacity. The physical aspect is, of course, challenging; however, as long as the mind is able to push on, the body will find a way. In response to whether or not I have worried about him or what my thoughts are on his participation, I always say that I believe he will be fine and it is his decision. In other words, I fully support whatever he wants to do as long as he is being fairly smart and reasonable about it. He has a coach. He has a group of fellow participants to help support, encourage, and banter with. He has a strong will and his mindset is healthy. Therefore, no, I am not worried.

Still, in the couple of days up to his departure yesterday, we had stress. Sometimes, –actually all of the time– I feel as if I am the victim of the waves created elsewhere. Now, I am not of a regular victim mentality, but there are times when it is fact, like floating on a river laying upon an inner tube and then a jet boat goes by creating large waves in its wake. The bobbing up and down of the inner tube is the result of being a victim to the situation. So, this is what I mean.

It is in those moments when I feel or know I have no control yet I am a victim to the rise and fall of others’ chaos, energy spikes, actions, that I find myself triggered and somewhat incapable of knowing how to respond. Thus, I am without control of my own responses as well, which is where the rub lies for me. 

I am a person of control and calm. It is my desire, my superpower, my thang–to be calm, controlled, reliable, unwavering in strength when needed, and so on. When I feel this carefully curated balance about to go off-kilter, I panic. I know this about myself. I know that the best version of me may not be present in such moments. 

Yet…I cannot figure out how to allow myself to comfortably accept that it is OK and it is not actually something on which I need to panic. Somehow, my body needs to understand and believe that I remain safe even in these moments of stress because I am no longer a child victim to the whims of adults. In fact, I have so much power now that I can walk away from a situation, I can defend myself, I can speak for myself, etc. Still, the strength of memory from my childhood overrides rational knowledge. It is something I will surely be covering in my next therapy session. 

So, that is my pondering for the moment. Perhaps you can relate or have solutions that work for you? Lemme know! 

~T 🔥🐉♋️