My father almost always sits facing a door when we go to a restaurant or place where people are coming and going. It’s a hangover from his days in Vietnam, I think. While I do not physically ensure I know the escape route for a space, I have come to realize that I definitely do mentally or emotionally in numerous life situations. 

Next week, I will be formally starting to teach yoga again for the first time in years. Although I have done some casual group classes here and there, the last time I did a formal session with people I either did not know or barely knew was in Abu Dhabi. In addition, I will be formally teaching meditation classes, which again I did as private sessions in Abu Dhabi, and not at all since starting my mindfulness meditation teacher training program. 

For an introvert, you can imagine this is all extremely overwhelming below the surface. Above ground, I am excited. I keep just going with the flow, allowing myself to be open to what presents itself in terms of focus and purpose. Inside, though, well that is another story.

If I am completely honest, I am probably freaking out a bit. Today, I did a short talk for my mentor group for said meditation course. These are people I trust and have become close to. Although we are not close friends, I feel that we have a connection that is, in many ways, stronger than some of my friends because there is a common spirit-language that we share. Still, I found my voice getting swallowed up, and a physical reaction coming out of me that I had not anticipated. 

Upon reflection, I feel as if that is my inner anxiety presenting itself as I prepare for the upcoming sessions.

In truth, I know I will be okay. I know that my manner and character is prepared for teaching and connection. It is what I have done for my entire adult life. Finally, it is in an area that I feel passionate about and wish for all to embrace. It would give me the greatest feeling of joy if my classes were always full and I am able to see soul-growth in each person. With that joy must also come the balance of disappointment as a potential result. Perhaps, it is in that I find the source of anxiety. Perhaps.

Earlier this week, I meditated on this very theme with my RAIN meditation partner. It felt meaningful to do so. During that practice, I committed myself to finding solutions for all the potential obstacles or rationales I might come up with to justify NOT doing these sessions. 

• I’ve said I travel a lot, so the worst case scenario is that I stop teaching at our next big travel period and just never return.
• The commute is 30 mins each way, so an hour spent in the car–I will listen to my audiobook to ensure that I feel my personal growth and consumption of information is being satisfied.
• I will always take my computer, journal, and book with me in the event that there are no students or something comes up and I find myself with free time. Rather than begrudge the commute or time committed, I will use it as time to do what I would do if I were home.
• Each person and session will be seen as an opportunity to fulfill my life purpose–to be a guiding light for others to find their own light to shine on their life paths.
• And…if it really ever does become too much, whether draining of energy or not rewarding ROI for time and commitment, then walking way will not be seen as a failure or weakness, but as a strength to know my limitations.

Most importantly, all of this is met with gratitude for the chance to learn, grow, challenge, expand, and impact others with grace, humility, and kindness.

So, while not obvious “back doors” or “escape routes”, I think that these elements in place will start to remove any sense of anxiety that might be lingering below the surface. 

Obviously, we will not know anything for sure unless we start. So, stay tuned!

~T 🔥🐉♋️