Despite other topics I had planned to write about, I have been somewhat distracted by a particular matter – relationships in the friendly variety, or in this case, the lack of.

People tend to overestimate my kindness, openness, and smiling face as closeness or an invitation to claim knowledge over who I am as a person. Unfortunately for those people, they eventually discover that this type of assumption causes me to pull away and the complexity of my character becomes clearer. 

Likewise, I appreciate that everyone is made up of complex layers–even the seemingly stereotypical “blondes” or ones who keep interactions on the surface level. I mean, didn’t films like Clueless or Legally Blonde teach us this? So, it remains surprising to me how little awareness people can have when we meet one another.

Words and actions have come to a head recently that have involved me and M, becoming the final metaphorical straw for me causing me to take extreme action to prevent further words and actions to occur–as much as can be within my control. 

Without offering details since I have determined that I will no longer give the person involved or the situation itself any more “air time”, I will share some learnings that have revealed themselves to me through the few days of processing.

First is that people who find me “standoffish” upon first meeting me are never meant to become friends, nor do they have the capacity to actually see me. Those whom I call friends have told me that they never saw nor understood me to be as such. 

Second is a firmer understanding of my inner circle and circle of soul friends. My inner circle, to whom I feel I can say or do anything, with whom I can be completely myself is made up of four people. That’s it. The next level of my trust circle are those I call soul friends. These are people with whom I can communicate with trust and understanding that we share with one another after agreements and ensuring we have a complete commonality in how and what we share with each other as well as outside of it. These are those whom I see the light of their souls and together we create a brighter light as we go out into the world. 

Then, there are the friends. These are people I spend time with, go out for dinner and drinks with–those with whom I probably spend the most amount of time with, yet are NOT necessarily within my trust circles. In them, I see their lights, shadows, and darkness. It’s not a judgement, but our souls are not united in purpose. Many of these people have much to work out within. While I appreciate them as fellow human beings and enjoy the moments that we can share, they are not people with whom I feel trustworthy with my whole being. 

Finally, there is everyone else whom I really don’t give much thought about or for, other than the fact that we co-exist in this world. 

Right or wrong, this is how I categorize and assess the kind of relationships I have with others. It is how I determine how and with whom I will spend my time. Perhaps it seems strange or too critical or overthought or whatever other concept comes to mind. It doesn’t matter, because it works for me. It is how I protect my heart and soul. It is how I ensure that I am present and living my fullest in this life.

Now, I will get a little bit mystical. The concept of God has always been a confusing one for me. When I was young, I was introduced to the Seventh Day Adventist beliefs, then the Christian doctrines, then I studied superficially Catholicism, Buddhism, Islam, and so on. I am fascinated by the varied religions and why/how people become attached to one over another. It is a mystery to me that people cannot see the commonalities in the religious beliefs or that the core to them all is to have love and humanity for all. Eventually, I began to call myself a humanist, which is still very much true. I believe humans can achieve extreme greatness when working together–both for the good and for the bad. However, I have also come to embrace the mystical, calling on Mother Universe and Father God, celebrating Sister Moon and Brother Sun. No, this does not mean that I am dancing pagan rituals or going green. It is mostly a recognition of the energetic forces of nature that come from the law of attraction, the universal laws, and natural occurrences. I very much still believe in both the individual and collective human capacity.

Furthermore, I believe in multiple life cycles–not necessarily reincarnation in the sense I’m going to come back as a cow, though a cat might be ok–but that our souls have cycles. How many? I do not know, but it is said to be eleven. Again, I only know superficial aspects. No matter how many there are, I believe with quiet and strong conviction that my soul is in its last cycle. It helps me explain why I have no solid roots in family or country. It helps me explain why I did not have children. It helps me explain why I can see people’s shadows, lights, and energy fields by sensory–not auras. Yes, as you can see, I know it helps me explain things to myself. I am open to the fact that it could all be in my head, based on my own wishing/hoping, etc. However, I tend not to flippantly explain it away because I’ve had enough experiences and soul conversations that fit my belief structure even without looking for a way to make that happen. So, as an old final soul, I have the wisdom and insight of previous lives.

This is why I can observe and understand a person within seconds of meeting. It is why I know immediately if I am going to give someone the time to draw closer to my inner circles. It is why I generally keep the majority of people at bay with a statement of “I don’t like people.” It is tiring to be around others who can be combinations of soul suckers, energy stealers, shadow hunters, and the like. Maybe you know what I’m talking about without having used such words before, but your gut or your heart has warned you in some way of these kinds of people. Maybe you know exactly what I’m talking about. Or, maybe none of what I am saying makes sense and sounds ridiculous. Again, it does not matter to me. What matters is that this is my truth and my reality in this life.

So, the distractions have been with an individual who over the years that we have known each other has continually behaved in a way that is harmful to my soul. Therefore, I have created boundaries and expressed them to this person. What is done to respect them is no longer under my control, but they have been expressed and shared for the protection of my being. 

While this may seem drastic or dramatic to the uninformed or uneducated on who I am or what I believe, it is what it is. Despite how it may seem, I do this with love and gratitude for my experiences with them thus far, for the learnings I am currently having, and for the freedom of the future that my boundaries create to allow for warmth and light to prevail.

Life is too short to allow toxicity even in the smallest doses to exist near me/you. My life is wonderful. I have worked hard in my own self, in collaboration with my life partner, and in collective sharing with my inner circle and soul friends. The characters that lie within me whether Cancerian traits or the fire dragon or my INTJ labels, and so forth all serve to make me who I am–someone who treasures trust, dignity, decency, honesty, loyalty, and carries confidence in myself as well as those who are dearest to me. Being a part of my inner circle and connecting as my soul friends is not an open or free access situation. It is earned. It is respected. It is valued. This is my life. These are my rules. This is the way it is, for me. 

In turn, I hold space for each and every person to have their life, their rules, the way it is for them. So, don’t get me wrong in thinking I am all or nothing or that I am all about me and not about you or others. Some people vibe with us; others do not. Some people understand and go about their way; others do not. Some people try and try, yet fail. 

So that is where my head has been. It is where my heart visited lately. It is how my soul has been processing and protecting. But, as I said, no more air time will be given to the individual. With this post, I am complete in my analysis and shall move on to living in my light–forever and always. 

~T 🔥🐉♋️