Recently, I decided that it was time for me to return to some therapy. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you’ll know that I go back and forth with it because I believe in preventive care to ensure a healthy and balanced mindset, which then positively impacts other aspects of my life.

Some years ago, a psychologist in Abu Dhabi told me that I had bipolar tendencies. She didn’t give me the name for it at the time, but now I know it as Cyclothymia. As she described my rather frequent behavioral patterns of high-energy, productive bouts, and lots of social engagements followed by periods of never going out or feeling exhausted by people that would also cause me to feel down, thus my reaching out to her, I could see how this might be true. Although I am not one to embrace a label or simply accept something someone tries to make a descriptor for me, I do enjoy a good horoscope, Myers-Briggs reading, or the like. So, I have always kept that notification close as a way of monitoring my moods and actions.

Whenever I feel super productive yet do not feel the joy or expected high from it, I generally know that something is off with my mental balance. It is when my thoughts do not shift from the darker side despite everything going well that I sense it is time to get some external help. Sometimes, it is enough to chat with a girl friend or two. Sometimes, it is enough to chat with M. And, sometimes, it is necessary to reach out to someone who knows nothing about me and re-measure where I am from an external perspective.

The problem with starting over with a therapist every time is having to explain my back story. Whenever someone new hears it, they focus on the inner child. They tell me that I should be proud of how far I have come. They want to “help” what doesn’t need helping. 

I liken it to teaching English, or anything really, to advanced students. There are a lot of people out there who can cover the basics. This is the base of a pyramid where the majority of people probably are. However, I have spent a good thirty years now doing “the work” on myself. I read multiple self-help books a year. I meditate. I have a very large set of tools that work well. Unfortunately, there are fewer professionals who know how to work with those who already have the basics, and even mid-range skills down. I won’t go as far as to say I have “mastered” anything, but I reckon even I could help someone with the basics.

So, in addition to using the online services, I found someone who does hypnotherapy. My specific reasoning for this is to eventually unlock the reasoning behind not being able to retain Korean when I try to learn it. Unlike other languages when I study them, Korean remains like our aloof black cat. Within reach, but untouchable. 

Fortunately, this psychiatrist reached me. She had me when she said, “It’s time to upgrade what you have, perhaps fine-tuning and sharpening the tools.” YES! This makes sense to me. This is what I want to do.

My answer to the question of “What made you reach out now for therapy?” went from deep to deeper. The first was the language. The second was to just make sure I am still applying the skills, tools, etc. in the most effective way or should I be challenging myself in some other way? Ultimately, though, what I came to understand is that with turning 50 this year, I feel a shift pushing me in my inner personality.

Somewhere in my late 20’s and early 30’s, I became a different person on the inside. My constantly whirring worrying mind slowed its spin down almost to the point where there is very little worrying whirring around (say that ten times fast!). It was around that time that I read books like The Power of Now and A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. I also discovered myself and redefined the kind of person I wanted to be. This caused a shift that was not obvious to others, but was significant to me. 

It is this kind of shift that I am feeling building up inside of me now. It’s not about the age, per se. Perhaps, it is the energy of the Year of the Horse. Perhaps, it is the alignment of the stars. Who knows, but the fact is that I feel ready.

For most of my life, I have lacked compassion for others. My shell of self-preservation has hardened my outlook and judgement of others. Usually, the inner voice has no problem with pride in myself, “If I can find a way to be happy, to be optimistic, to be productive when I have every reason to not be so, then why can’t others who don’t have as many reasons?” In other words, if I can do it, what’s wrong with you that you can’t or don’t? 

It’s not that I like this element of myself, but it is very much a defensive mechanism that I do not know how to release into a “no longer needed” pile. Still, my desire to be seen and known as a humble, kind, and compassionate person into my older years is strong. 

There it is. The real raw tear-jerker onion layer.

Except, I do not cry. At least, not anymore, and definitely not in front of anyone else–often not even in front of M. Being able to do so is not a goal. However, being able to express compassion and true understanding for other beings is so.

When we got our puppies, I found myself softer, kinder, protective–maternal. They were the babies I never wanted in human form, yet needed to warm parts of my heart that were less obvious to me. When we lost our puppies suddenly, I despaired and compassion grew in me for those who have lost children as well as anyone or anything near and dear. While I am still quite practical about their loss, I do know that I am capable of a different level of compassion because of this experience.

Perhaps, there is something about needing to work with my inner child that will help me to build more compassion because I really hope that I do not feel I need to personally experience every level of grief and despair in order to truly be compassionate. Mostly, I suspect, what I need is to shift my mindset ever so slightly.

In any case, this is an ongoing experience. I’m not sure I will be continuing with the therapist learning to reappreciate my inner child as I think I’m pretty good at that. However, I will definitely be focusing on the upgrade. No doubt, I shall keep you readers apprised of the journey.

~T 🔥🐉♋️