Dec 222016
 

Getting myself out of the house and remembering where I live is my first step to getting myself away from the threat of the dark state that wants to settle back in to my psyche disturbing my way of life. 

Yesterday morning or maybe during the day I read this article on Facebook about the 6 Secret Signs of Hidden Depression. As I read it I said to myself, this is me every day and describes me on a regular basis even on my good days! 😳😬 I think that it kind of worried M a bit when I shared this reality because it is true that I have been a bit on the downward spiral with some days better than others, but in general lately I have felt especially tired and less motivated each morning to get up. πŸ˜”

Even this morning, I wondered to myself, what will motivate me to get out of the bed let alone out of the house? πŸ€”

First, the promise of getting to the pool for a swim (if the water was warm enough) was one step as our short trip the other day reminded both of us of the benefits of getting out in the sun and enjoy what this region has to offer with the wonderful weather this time of year. β˜€οΈ

Second, the cleaner was there and we both hate to be in the house when she is there. So, after getting her started, it was a good reason for me to not be in the house. 

Ultimately, I also knew that I needed to make use of my time since M is away until afternoon for work and I have not been keeping up with my writing and planning time to get things done online. I do have quite a few things to do on the computer with some project ideas for ways to boost income online. This requires wifi, which is why I can sometimes justify staying inside all day; however, I am writing this now offline and know that I can later go in to paste into a post. Usually, I do save my online work for when M is not at home so that I can spend my time with him, but the truth is that I need to alter this thinking a bit since our time ‘together’ tends to revolve around watching TV, which is not really the best use of my time nor really quality time for us. Therefore, I am going to be re-working this since he is going to be around more the next week or so due to the holidays and people being away keeping his schedule light.

In any case, I am being a bit slow and lazy in adjusting my way of thinking about life these days. It is probably due to depression which has also affected my diet which I do know affects every other aspect of my life. Therefore, I am taking the first step needed to take action against letting it win over my life as it has done in the past. It is good to know that I am learning from the past even if I am not yet good at preventing it from happening. 

One massive realization this week is that I need to constantly stay on top of this depression issue. There is absolutely no room for complacency. Any letting of the guard down in keeping up routines, working out, etc allows room for me to stumble into the dark state. Before I had work as a way of distraction or more constant contact with friends which kept me busy, which helps to fend off the penetration of the darkness; however, I no longer have external or passive ways of distraction. Therefore, I need to actively structure my life around a healthy way no matter what our circumstances are to ensure that I keep on going towards the light!

~T πŸ˜€

Dec 122016
 

Just over a year of serious yoga study from practice to philosophy has come to an end. It is only the first chapter of my yoga story, but very significant.

When I was feeling miserable doing my job and wondering at the future of my career in TESOL, I received an email about becoming a yoga teacher focusing on therapeutic yoga. Making an impulsive decision to go for it and having no idea how I was going to make it work, here I am a year later no longer working full-time and having started my own business.

Although I had some ups and downs with the training itself in terms of time, effort and even my own motivation, I am so glad I did it. M asked me if I felt proud of myself and while I am not sure it is pride, I do feel a sense of accomplishment. It is the first major thing I have properly finished since completing my master’s in 2006. It only took me ten years to be able to finish something else. πŸ˜›

As I said yesterday, I had really mixed emotions on Saturday when it all came around. I was fairly depressed and down all day with the weight of worry on my shoulders. I tried to just stay focused on the exams and enjoying the day. However, while my yogini-mates were full of smiles and joyful tears, I was in a dark cloud. When it came time for me to share my next steps, I could not stay on the upbeat tune that everyone else was on. Luckily, I went first, so the grey cloud over me could be forgotten by the time we went around the circle.

I am blessed to have come across these ladies with whom I have spent the year sharing our life’s joys and challenges.Β 

We shall, no doubt, stay friends throughout as our paths have crossed and connections have been made during an important time in all of our lives.

So, my first formal document as a Footner is now framed in front of me and I am indeed excited about what the future holds. In January, I am starting the 200-hr course to work towards a 500-hr certification to eventually become a teacher trainer later. As I said, it is only the first chapter. For now, I celebrate 300-hours completed!!! πŸ™‚

~T πŸ˜€

Dec 082016
 

Seems like most days this is how we are hanging on.

Although a fog has lifted from my mind the past couple of days, I feel as if the strength I have in me is weak and fragile. Each day I wake up a little happier, but then something can be said or read or done and I struggle with the possible spiral that will shift my mood downwards. It is a constant struggle to stay on the positive side.

M and I were discussing suicidal thoughts and whether or not it is a normal thing amongst people. Is it common or is it strange to have them come up especially as an adult?

I have had them more recently, reminiscent of my darker unaware days. It is a sense of guilt towards those who would be left behind that keeps me present in this world – to be completely honest.

Yet, a voice inside says “Yes, but their lives would go on.”

While another voice says “True, but how would I affect the trajectory of their lives by not being here or taking it away on my own…can I live with the eternal or next life consequences? Or can I just push through to see this life byΒ giving it the best that I can?”

Perhaps this is simply my ego talking – after all who am I to think I would have any effect at all…?

Often I wonder at those who do take their lives. What was it that finally pushed them to take action in such a way? What was the justification that gave them the sense of okay?

M says my/our brains are just wired this way – to be strong, to find a way through. My question is then – to what end/purpose? Why am I not yet fulfilling my life purpose? What am I meant to be doing or sharing with the world still that my mind says “No, it is not yet your time.”?

He wants to believe that everyone thinks about taking their own lives at different moments in life. I tend to think this is not the case or that it is a matter of degree in which the thought is given brain time.

I believe some people never even have it cross their mind once in life. Those people I envy immensely. I imagine some people may have had thoughts as teens during a first heartache or drama and then never thought it again because life does go on. Then, there are those who perhaps at some point in teenage years or early adulthood who faced it head on. Perhaps, like me, the pills were piled up and ready to be taken. Or, it was just a flash of a moment when an action could have ended it then.

However, as adults, we never really talk about suicidal thoughts or tendencies. We are deemed crazy or in need of psychological treatment – which still may be true – if we do, but perhaps for some of us it is just one of our challenges to be dealt with periodically. If this is so, then the answer for M is that “no, it is not common.” Yet, as we continue living we do find a way and a reason to get through the days until we forget these thoughts for this cycle.

As I work through this phase of it and look for my greater purpose, I come closer to realizing I need to share my story – in other words, write more and publish it for others. It is time. I am old enough to be heard and brave enough to let it out. Perhaps then I will feel and know – to what end.

Until then, I hold on to the bare threads with all the strength I have got.

~T πŸ˜€

Dec 072016
 

Well, winter is definitely here. The past few days or even the past week has brought in the moisture with increased humidity and foggy mornings. As I write this now, my view is becoming greyer and greyer.

There are times when I think about my Oregon life and wonder why I do not live there. Then, days like this come along and while everyone else might be reveling in the change of weather or at least diversity of weather – I am not. I do not like the grey e-v-e-r. It does indeed greatly affect my mood and although there are many factors to my current frame of mind, this definitely does not help.

Yet, in a way I am glad that the weather reflects my mood because it gives me something tangible to relate to rather than just what is inside my head. Also, it helps to remind me that there are sunny skies to return just as I know that somehow life will return to its high again.

So, while my brain sings “…please don’t take my sunshine away…” my heart soars a little more than yesterday. I call that progress! πŸ˜›

~T πŸ˜€

Dec 052016
 

My husband said this to me on the way out the door this morning due to my seemingly worsening mood/state of mind.

First off the season is changing. I know that sounds strange in a place like AD, but truly there are more clouds, it is getting cooler and I think there was even some sort of moisture in the air yesterday or the day before. πŸ˜› So, it is indeed becoming ‘winter’ here, which in some ways is nice because I can be outside more, but as I do not have a balcony to get me out the door I have not put in the effort to simply get myself downstairs and outside. Or, like yesterday, out of the door at all. (Well, I did get out every two hours to go downstairs for laundry…. πŸ˜‰ )

While I am generally a morning person and getting up early is not a struggle, I have been finding myself sleeping straight through until about 6:30am and then avoiding having to get out of bed until M has waited as long as he can to start getting ready for work. Instead of pushing him out the door so that I can start my day, I want him to stay with me all day….

Although I have things to go out and do I am equally happy to put them off to another day. For the past few days that I have been on my own, I spend it in front of the computer writing – which is good – but really fighting the urge to sit in front of the TV and let it suck my will to live.

Therefore, I think it is probably safe to say I am officially in a depressive state. No wonder my yoga business is not moving – I am stuck. However, four days ago I joined a seven-day yoga teacher challenge to re-evaluate my brand/business through an FB group. Yesterday was about how to align ourselves and way of life with our target audience/clients and the brand.

This morning I wrote three ways to align myself if my target clients are those who are depressed, have anxiety or are stressed (like me!).

1) meditate on goals and truly visualize them as success – what do i look like having reached those goals?;

2) get on the mat even when I am not “feeling it” – building a discipline and habit can provide the support needed when feeling down;

3) take time to truly relax – sauna, swim, veg out – whatever it maybe. Restorative practice works on the mat, but finding ways to release stress off the mat is equally important.

Along with my new daily Lord’s prayer routine, I need to add these three. Maybe then I’ll ‘buck up’!!! πŸ˜›

~T πŸ˜€

Nov 282016
 

If I were to describe myself to others who might not know me, I would say that I am:

*organized
*no nonsense
*quiet, but not shy
*a listener and observer (introverted)
*conditional giver (yes, I only give under certain conditions, but then I give forever and always)
*loyal once one has gained myΒ trust and respect
*traditional in etiquette, manners, and behaviors
*stubborn πŸ˜›
*a problem-solver
*confident
*writer
*teacher
*moderate
*stable (despite my up and down tendencies)

If you know me, you can comment on whether or not this is an accurate perception of myself or not. However, I think I am pretty close.

When one knows oneself reasonably well in the truest sense, it can become tiring to exist around other people who may not match these qualities. If you believe in the idea of energies or chemical interactions of people based on their behavior and actions, then you can understand that someone with my qualities can be put off balance by others who have more opposite tendencies.

We need all kinds of people in the world. The Chinese yin and yang requires this mix for true harmony in life. Still, that is not to say that the effort in trying to maintain balance is not draining or even exhausting at times.

For me, I have a pretty full pot of patience (shocking to anyone who might have known me in my childhood) and tolerance. Most of the time, I can find ways to refill it on my own – as a true introvert does. However, there are times when my pot becomes near empty because I am not given the time I need to replenish. When this happens, I get tired physically and mentally. My temper shifts. My motivation wanes. My interest in anything dwindles. My mood drops into the spiral of a downshift.

Despite my awareness of these results, I cannot always nip it in the bud before it is too late, for various reasons of life. Therefore, there usually comes a point when I need to just take a day or two or even up to a week to step back.

This week has been a partial version of this. I have not worked out. I have socialized, but in a limited capacity and with limited enthusiasm. I have started to feel depressed and frustrated….

Yesterday, I was able to have most of a day to myself to do as I liked. I still had a lesson and did some ‘work’ at home; but for the most part, I had the chance to watch TV, sleep early and just spend some QT in my head. (Scary?! :D)

So, it was good. No full conclusions or decisions were made, but I had down time on my own which is very much what I needed. I miss my family. I miss my BFF. I need a tribe, a new tribe, but am not yet sure how to go about it at the moment. However, now I have had my day and so it is time to pluck myself up and get out and about it again!

~T πŸ˜€

Nov 232016
 

Yep, I actually Googled the definition of masochism this morning. Why? Because, I wonder if my subconscious is really masochistic…. 😐

I feel as if the darkness is winning these days.

It is the season of being thankful, thinking about presents and the coming family-time, looking forward to the new year on the horizon with all that it promises. To do this, I have to reflect over the year….

Things I am Thankful For:
*got married and had a wonderful wedding where I was able to see my most loved ones all in one place.
*quit my job and, despite current circumstances, I absolutely know it was the right decision to have made.
*been able to really discover my friendships and those who value me as much as I value them.
*health.
*nearly completed my yoga certification with new possibilities, new friends, etc.
*…and more no doubt

Things I am Looking Forward to:
*enjoying our new apartment with furniture and decorations with the ability to really make it home…
*financial stability and freedom
*being debt-free to people and hopefully to any institution
*traveling again
*having a worry/stress-free daily life

When I adjust my perspective to focus on these things, I have to give myself a figurative head slap. What is my problem, really? Everything is temporary in terms of the challenges and struggles.

This weekend my teacher said someone said to her “You have to just sit through the darkness”. I recently listened to a podcast where someone spent a year in isolation and got through his dark periods by “just sitting through it”. Noticing a theme??

Therefore, while I am definitely not deriving any pleasure of any kind from pain to myself – mentally, emotionally or physically – I do know that I need to learn to sit through it to break a cycle and come out on the other side; definitelyΒ on top!

~T πŸ˜€

Jul 032016
 

Day 8: Β What book are you most grateful for?

Oh my what a very tough question for me…! There are so many wonderful books out there and reading is my absolute favorite form of escaping reality. I have been doing it for as long as I can remember – reading to enter another world. πŸ˜› I think, however, the book I am most grateful for is _Anne of Green Gables_ by LM Montgomery. Why? First, I found my kindred spirited BFF through a mutual love of this novel/series. Also, it was probably the first proper story about adoption that I could relate to in some shape or form. While for most, this is a story of a strong-willed, free-spirited red-headed young girl whose short temper and mischievous nature got her into a number of tangles, then she grew up to be a role model and made her adopted parents proud; for me, it was much more than this. It was hope. So, I am grateful that this book was written and also so popular to become great films too! πŸ˜€

——

Lately, I have been struggling a little bit mentally and emotionally. I suppose that I could say I have been depressed; though not in my bipolar way, but in a truly depressed kind of way. In fact, I have been sleeping far more than I usually do and it is not due to vacation-mode settling in; but rather more of another form of escape since reading was not working either.

One of the reasons for this state of mind is a sense of being trapped. Now, freedom is one of my greatest values in life. I need to feel free to feel like myself. It was something that became central to my existence from the time I went to university. It is a value that I struggled with due to my background of not having any control over my early years. Since then, I have prided myself in the fact that I have held good jobs, managed my money just enough to ensure I could travel or have the lifestyle that I want, etc.

Since deciding to quit my job, circumstances have changed and with a number of changes happening all at once, I am, for the first time in my life, in a situation where I feel trapped again. One reason I held off on ever wanting to get married again was also that sense of responsibility for another person. Now, I do not feel trapped by being married, but together we have created a status that has crippled my sense of freedom.

This is, of course, temporary and I know that in due time everything will be even better than it was before. Therefore, it is a matter of getting my head back on straight, my heart full again, and my focus on what matters most. We are both healthy and generally happy. I have a lot of freedom in terms of time, which is a new experience that I can focus on enjoying. I have a lot of freedom in what I can do each day as far as exercise, yoga, pool-time, etc.

Thus, if I keep my eye on the prize, I know that all is well. πŸ™‚

~T πŸ˜€

Sep 242014
 

For the past couple of weeks I have been tired and unmotivated. At first, I thought it was due to Aunt Flo or stress. Then, I thought perhaps it was because I wasn’t eating enough during the day, which still may be the case. Then, I thought perhaps it was due to an increase in my caffeine intake since work started, which may also be the case. However, two days ago, I realized that really I think it is one of my downs coming on….

Once I sort of focused on that and admitted that I may be getting a little depressed, I have been able to focus on how to keep myself from letting the down go full blown. So far, I seem to be doing okay. I have stopped the caffeine and plan to keep at it for the next couple of weeks to cleanse my system from needing it. Then, I think I can go back to one cup a day… (maybe!). πŸ˜›

Some ways that I battle the downs is by focusing on myself. This means getting some pampering done, scheduling my life very carefully and ensuring that I am surrounded by positive energiesΒ rather than those that drain me. It’s much harder to do than we think, but once done, life is definitely better. So, I’m starting to breathe a bit more and refocusing myself on what needs to be done. Phew! πŸ˜€

More to come,

~T

May 142013
 

Time for a wee update on the drugs. Do I call them drugs or medication or is it the same? Hm…

So, as you can see I still am pondering things at a weird depth, but the change is happening in that I am not really worrying about things so much. In fact, I feel almost confused not having things swirling around in my head so much that I think it is contributing to my state of tired. My mind is not sure what to do when there aren’t a million thoughts going around and around, so then it thinks I should be sleeping. πŸ˜‰

In any case, I do feel as if the Cipralex has kicked in pretty well. I do not dwell on negative thoughts hardly at all these days as I did before. I am definitely not as annoyed by other people as I have been or normally would be, which is a definite plus. My body is still physically tense, which R says will take some time to adjust because I am used to carrying the physical tension that goes with the mental stress. However, once I accept the decrease of mental stress, my body should relax and let go of the physical aspect, so that is something to look forward to.

Overall, I feel pretty good and ‘happy’ish these days. I am making progress with the literature review, so that is also helping matters. It’s still a long road ahead and I may not meet my summer deadline, but at least I am giving it a go unlike before where I was just procrastinating. πŸ˜›

For now, I’m just enjoying the ’emptiness’ of my mind….

-T πŸ˜€

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