Apr 292015
 

burning-the-candle-at-both-endsI am exhausted…that’s truly an understatement. I thought I was doing okay in balancing my life out, but it seems that isn’t the case. It is affecting just about all parts of my life, which is not great, though I think work benefits the most. So, this picture nicely illustrates how I’m doing…balancing it all somehow on a very unstable point…It is best that I find a way to do better before it all falls to pieces….

One problem is that I am keeping myself WAY too busy. I realize this and shall adjust my schedule accordingly.

Another problem is that I do not have a ‘decompression chamber’ in my house where I can hide and re-energize my introverted sensibilities. Therefore, all my tension is building up as my energy drains with no way of getting it back.

So….I am hoping to find a better way and path. I am generally happy, but I know this calm that I pretend to have will not last given my tendencies and I can feel the downward trend coming up. If I fall, I might fall hard this time around, so it is time to be proactive and take care of myself first. This is not all that easy to do, but I need to…I feel detached from myself, my creativity, my core….

This weekend, M is away (:(), but it is a good chance for me to try to rejuvenate and rest. I’m not sure how well that will go given that I have plans throughout the weekend, but I will do my best!! ๐Ÿ˜€

In the meantime, I am going to try to be more consistent with writing at least on this blog, if not on my TUA site….. It will all come back in time, but time…yes, time…. ๐Ÿ˜›

More to come, eventually,

~T

Sep 242014
 

For the past couple of weeks I have been tired and unmotivated. At first, I thought it was due to Aunt Flo or stress. Then, I thought perhaps it was because I wasn’t eating enough during the day, which still may be the case. Then, I thought perhaps it was due to an increase in my caffeine intake since work started, which may also be the case. However, two days ago, I realized that really I think it is one of my downs coming on….

Once I sort of focused on that and admitted that I may be getting a little depressed, I have been able to focus on how to keep myself from letting the down go full blown. So far, I seem to be doing okay. I have stopped the caffeine and plan to keep at it for the next couple of weeks to cleanse my system from needing it. Then, I think I can go back to one cup a day… (maybe!). ๐Ÿ˜›

Some ways that I battle the downs is by focusing on myself. This means getting some pampering done, scheduling my life very carefully and ensuring that I am surrounded by positive energiesย rather than those that drain me. It’s much harder to do than we think, but once done, life is definitely better. So, I’m starting to breathe a bit more and refocusing myself on what needs to be done. Phew! ๐Ÿ˜€

More to come,

~T

Aug 072014
 

If we know anything about Tara, we know that she likes her routines. It’s taking a bit of time to adjust back into one, BUT, it seems that we are getting there. ๐Ÿ˜€

Some changes were needed to be made, though…
*Deleted Candy Crush from all mobile devices
*Setting boundaries on checking FB and emails

At the moment, the routine that is working for me is:
*Get up and ready for the day
*Work out (alternate between swimming and treadmill run with weights) + yoga stretching
*Shower and have breakfast
*Computer time [includes dissertation work usually started off with FB, emails and other Internet activites]
*Break for lunch/snack
*Focus again
*Rest/relax or go out of the house
*Dinner and TV or something
*Bed

Now, Candy Crush wasย starting to take over my productivity as well as focus on relaxation in more ‘useful’ areas. Not to say that playing a bit of CC now and then is a big deal, but it was actually stressing me out! So, it seemed okay to let it go. Instead, I hope to use the time for reading or actually talking to the people around me. ๐Ÿ˜›

My checking of FB and emails has always been something I fluctuate with in terms of frequency, but I read yesterday about using our time well and realized that I really do NOT need to be constantly checking either one of these things. So, I will return to my previous assignation of morning and evening times for checking these, leaving the rest of the day free from their brain-sucking claws! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Of course, I still have Messenger for FB as an app that alerts me if someone wants to chat and can be connected regularly if need be. However, as I try to focus on truly finishing up the dissertation and just having better balance, I will try to maintain these ways for now. ๐Ÿ˜€

More to come,

~T

 

Dec 302013
 

So, it has now been over a week since I have been completely off the Cipralex.

I must say I definitely have gone through ups and downs; however, I cannot say for sure how much was the decrease or how much was the events around me. In general, I feel pretty good.

One interesting and annoying side effect I have had is zaps of dizziness. There is no pain to speak of, but I will suddenly get this rush past the front of my brain that sounds like a zzzaaaappp and then I’ll feel dizzy for a moment. Some days it happens a lot and others less. When I am more tired, I notice it more. I do hope that it will pass soon, though.

It is possible that I will start to struggle soon with my ups and downs, but am hoping that the routines and structure I have in place now will keep me focused on staying balanced in the middle. We shall see.

That’s my update and last one for a while on the Cipralex. It was good to be on it for the past nine months and it is possible that I will go on it again in the future. However, I am hoping that I can maintain a balance without it as I see how the side effects can be less beneficial over time. ๐Ÿ™‚

-T ๐Ÿ˜€

Dec 172013
 

This week starts my 5mg run and next week I will be completely off the Cipralex for the first time since March. Nine months is pretty good, even though I had said a year. It is interesting how much changes in a short span.

The past couple of weeks I have been extremely energetic and quite happy. Sometimes I scare R in the morning with my ‘joy’. I really do feel good, though I am starting to get a little bit tired since I have been doing a lot in the early hours – all before the day even really begins. Still, I feel like there is true positive energy coming out of me.

At the same time, I am journaling every day to stay on the watch for the signs that this is an extreme high and the extreme low may come. I am hoping that will not happen and that if this wears off, I will at least be able to maintain control so that the low never fully hits. So, we will see.

In any case, there is nothing wrong with being happy and productive!

-T ๐Ÿ˜€

Oct 252013
 

Well, if I had thought that I had somehow gotten rid of the bipolar tendencies, the last couple of weeks have reminded me that no medication or denial will remove the reality. ๐Ÿ˜

So, I’ve been on a bit of a downward spiral, but think I am pulling myself back up before totally hitting bottom, we shall see.

In any case, I have been on a reboot of my mind this past week and it seems to be helping me a bit. The work with Karen also helps me. I will write more about my latest two sessions with her later.

There are a few decisions that I have made though that are fairly significant.

1. I am going to pull myself out of financial debt. This means that:
*I will not travel until the summer – unless I somehow make extra money to pay off the debt faster.
*I will minimize my pampering (I can’t give it up entirely…after all I still need to stay sane!).
*I will focus my priorities on being financially responsible.

The reason for this is that I cannot leave the country with debt here. I hate that feeling because it makes me think that I am trapped here. Of course, I am not and I would/should pay any consequences should I forfeit payment such as jail time, not being allowed to return to the country in the future, etc. However, I would rather not put myself into such a negative situation since I clearly have the ability to get myself out of it with some sacrifice and responsibility on my part. Also, it is time after almost five years here that I actually start to show money-wise for my time. It’s a bit ridiculous that I have no savings despite what I make. I do not regret this, though, as I have done a great deal of traveling, which can be worth more than all the savings in the world.

2. I am going to find a way to be happier with my work. This means that:
*I may find a job back in Japan for a period of time.
*I may find a job in the States for a period of time.
*I may find a strategy for moving my work in another direction.

The reason for this is that I am not content with what I do or where I do it. Teaching is okay. My students are alright. However, it does not fulfill me as it should. I am always striving to do more and be more, but I feel held back in my current job as well as this country. While it could just be my own self limiting me, I think I need to work on a shift of my perspective which sometimes comes with a change in setting as well. So, I am not sure what will happen exactly here, but the doors are open in my mind and hopefully something will present itself as the best option.

3. I am going to work on myself only and not let the problems of others affect my inner peace. This means that:
*I will surround myself with positive and proactive people. Those who do not fulfill this in my life will, sadly, be less important to me.
*I will not become engaged in others’ stress, complaints or whining about life as it does not positively contribute to my own life or perspective on the world.
*I will have self-respect, pride and love for myself above anything or anyone else. If this makes me seem selfish, so be it as it is about my own survival, health and well-being at this point in my life.

The reason for this is that I am very sensitive to others’ who see me as a great sounding board for their complaints and venting about life. I absorb the negative energy more than most others, I think. Therefore, it affects me at a much higher intensity and affects my mood and self-image. To achieve the goals and dreams that I have for myself, I need to be happy and content within.

So, this is the current reboot of my mind. More will come and it will be difficult at times, but this is something I really needed. The events of my last post was a bit of a wake-up call for me. Hopefully, I can be a model and inspiration to others. If not, my goal is that I am a model and inspiration to myself. ๐Ÿ™‚

-T ๐Ÿ˜€

Sep 132013
 

Does being on my own cause my bipolar tendencies to act up?

This question came to my mind today as I contemplated my sort of manic feelings of needing to accomplish a lot. Here’s what I did today:

*Slept in (9.30) for me…
*Search for a number of TV shows to download and began the downloads
*Met a friend for lunch
*Went grocery shopping, shopped at Daiso and bought two pairs of new shoes (shoes were generally unneeded, but kind of needed for work…or so I say…. ;))
*Marked almost 40 paragraphs whilst talking with my BFF and surfing the Internet
*Organized our freezers and cupboards a little bit
*Made homemade peanut butter whilst sauteing shrimp (for the first time ever) to put into my salads for lunch during the week

Makes two full jars
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Makes two full jars13-Sep-2013 19:29, Apple iPad mini, 2.4, 3.3mm, 0.067 sec, ISO 250
Big batch of peanut butter
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Big batch of peanut butter13-Sep-2013 19:26, Apple iPad mini, 2.4, 3.3mm, 0.042 sec, ISO 250
First time cooking (sautรฉing) shrimp
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First time cooking (sautรฉing) shrimp13-Sep-2013 19:25, Apple iPad mini, 2.4, 3.3mm, 0.042 sec, ISO 80
 

*Heated up leftover chili and watched a TV show
*Faffed around more on the computer and am now writing this post

When I write it out all like this, I realize this is WAY more than I normally do in a regular day when I am not on my own. Since I realize that I have also been having down spells, I am wondering if my ups and downs are coming about more due to my sense of solitude…. I will need to watch myself and be careful. There is indeed much to be done, but probably not to this degree…? Maybe? ๐Ÿ˜‰

-T ๐Ÿ˜€

May 142013
 

Time for a wee update on the drugs. Do I call them drugs or medication or is it the same? Hm…

So, as you can see I still am pondering things at a weird depth, but the change is happening in that I am not really worrying about things so much. In fact, I feel almost confused not having things swirling around in my head so much that I think it is contributing to my state of tired. My mind is not sure what to do when there aren’t a million thoughts going around and around, so then it thinks I should be sleeping. ๐Ÿ˜‰

In any case, I do feel as if the Cipralex has kicked in pretty well. I do not dwell on negative thoughts hardly at all these days as I did before. I am definitely not as annoyed by other people as I have been or normally would be, which is a definite plus. My body is still physically tense, which R says will take some time to adjust because I am used to carrying the physical tension that goes with the mental stress. However, once I accept the decrease of mental stress, my body should relax and let go of the physical aspect, so that is something to look forward to.

Overall, I feel pretty good and ‘happy’ish these days. I am making progress with the literature review, so that is also helping matters. It’s still a long road ahead and I may not meet my summer deadline, but at least I am giving it a go unlike before where I was just procrastinating. ๐Ÿ˜›

For now, I’m just enjoying the ’emptiness’ of my mind….

-T ๐Ÿ˜€

May 032013
 

Phew the week is finally over. One more major item on my list of things to get done and then I may relax a bit more.

Last night I started on the 20mg of Cipralex. This will mark the start of the 4th week and so I should be noticing more the effects. I asked R if he noticed any difference and he said maybe, but probably I’ll feel it more with the 20mg and by the end of this week. So, I suppose that the good thing is that there haven’t been any major side effects and it is possible that I calmer, but not sure.

A cousin of a friend of mine apparently took his own life the other day. He was adopted, talented and suffered an injury along with the news of his parents splitting up. It seemed too much for him at 21-years-old and so, although not confirmed, it seems he decided it was too much for him. My friend said that he felt mostly sad that his cousin had felt no hope at all in life to try continuing because he feels as if there is always something to hope for, but I was not sure that I agreed.

Although my dark thoughts have lessened, they are not gone. In fact, I know that I am still in a dark place as all I imagine doing any more is reading for pleasure or sleeping. Even though I am making more progress on my literature review, I believe it is because I am allowing myself to indulge in more pleasure reading and sleep. However, while before I would get up and exercise, do housework and busily get settled for the day, now I sleep as long as I can, treat myself to a few pages of my book before I have to get ready. The other activities have fallen by the wayside. This may just be a phase, as many things are, and I am not really worrying about it much, it is something to consider.

There are still moments when I wonder why I am taking the meds, or working towards a better career. What is the hope that I am using to keep going? To what end? For what benefit? These are the questions that I try not to dwell upon now, but when there are no answers, it does feel somewhat hopeless….

In any case, on a brighter note – the week long grey skies and rain seem to have let up today. The sky is blue and the sun is out! That is definitely something to smile about.

-T ๐Ÿ˜€

Apr 292013
 

Thought it was time to do an update on the cipralex since I have not really focused on it lately.

I was sitting waiting for my pizza to be finished at work and realized that I definitely am not thinking about a trillion different things at once. Rather now it’s like hundreds – which is, believe or not, an improvement. I felt a little bit nauseous last night after I took the pill, so it is possible that some side effects are hitting me with the higher dosage, but in general I seem okay.

To be honest, I cannot say for sure that it has kicked in completely yet or not. I will have to get an outside opinion regarding my behavior as I think I haven’t necessarily felt less stressed from the meds, rather work has lightened up a little bit this week for me. So…perhaps the real test is whether or not I can get my head into my studies over the next 7 weeks and 3 days…!

Anyway, that’s the update for now. ๐Ÿ˜€

-T

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