Dec 102016
 

My yoga teacher said to me in a recent Whatsapp conversation  “I think ur just not a socializer…. I think ur an artist. U need to write and be alone a lot”.

True?

Indeed.

I very quickly have gotten burnt out with the networking activities for business. Now, I know that people say that you cannot wait for the clients to come to you; you have to get yourself out there and promote yourself; talk to people and tell them what you do; etc. I know this is true – in part. In another part, I also know what is true for myself – I am not a talker, go-getter, attention-grabbing kind of person. I never have been and not likely to change that any time soon. Now, this does not mean that I cannot or still should not. However, it does mean that I am not going to like it and if I do not like it, that becomes clear at any event I attend and attempt to speak to people…. Therefore, this is counter-productive to my purpose.

How can I then still get clients and still be me?

Well, one way is through writing and the Internet. Another way is to hire or ask someone nicely to be that person for me. M is a good one, though busy with his own work. There are possibly others I could entice to be a word-of-mouth promoter for me and I shall definitely be pushing that – again nicely. 😀

Still, my passion inclination is to write. I am a writer. Jeff Goins starts his very first book out with this simple statement – First to be a writer you have to call yourself a writer. Just over three years ago I posted about this and had started my way along this path, but got sidelined again. Yet, it continues to return to my mind. Write, Tara, for god’s sake, WRITE!

When K said the above to me the other day, I again came back to YES, I am a Writer! So, start acting like one!

I cannot be a writer if I do not write. Therefore, I have decided that while the time is quiet with the yoga business, I am going to return to working on my novel(s) and look to publish them as Kindle books. It is a free enterprise and though I may only make a small amount of money, I can say I have done it. Besides, who knows…it may just take off!!!

This blog is like my sandbox where I let loose unfiltered thoughts and process in digital writing what I write by hand in my paper journal. So, I am grateful for this space and anyone who actually reads my nonsense regularly. 😉 Now, you may be able to read a whole book by me in the near future! 😛

So…I am an artist – I am a writer!

~T 😀

Dec 092016
 

I think a short while back I wrote about a quote I had seen saying not to give up until you find your tribe because it is out there. I cannot recall when that was to link up here, but anyway, I am certain I at least made a comment somewhere recently.

In having changed my life completely with marriage, quitting work and trying to start my own business, I have lost my tribe a bit. Plus, some friendship changes really shook it up. So, I have been trying hard to keep up the search based on my new life. There are definitely some lovely new people in my life through my different activities and I am staying open to meeting even more wonderful people.

However, tribes take time and effort that is not always easy to put in. It is also hard to replace ones that existed before when they were so amazing. Being an expat and living a semi-transient life makes this even more true.

Still, there is nothing like meeting up with those whom you can love and be loved back unconditionally.

Although we were a bit slow in getting together, my closest gfs got together the other night to finally celebrate one of them finishing her PhD (over a year ago) and getting her work promotion (a long stressful process that came through last week!). We had not met up for months – maybe before the summer holidays, in fact! So, it was so so sooooo nice to hang out with them – to laugh, tease, joke, be serious and share each other’s lives together despite our long time going at it on our own. I have met with them separately, but there is something different and warming about coming together as a community – no matter how small it is.

Then, I went line dancing on Wednesday. I had decided to do it on my own. I had met the teacher before sort of by chance at golf the week before. Even though it is not exactly like me to try something new alone, I had been interested and felt it was a sign to go when I met the teacher. To my surprise and happiness, one of the other ladies I golf with each week was there. It was such a nice chance to speak with her individually and get to know her a bit better. We have things in common and she is so welcoming into the things she does. It made the line dancing event better as this is not my usual group of people at an event. So…my tribe can grow and be enriched through these kinds of pushing of my boundaries.

Therefore, while my business networking may have gone a different way, finding my new tribe or an expansion of my old one is full of exciting opportunities. It lifts my spirit to have these small social victories. 😉

~T 😀

 Posted by at 09:30
Dec 082016
 

Seems like most days this is how we are hanging on.

Although a fog has lifted from my mind the past couple of days, I feel as if the strength I have in me is weak and fragile. Each day I wake up a little happier, but then something can be said or read or done and I struggle with the possible spiral that will shift my mood downwards. It is a constant struggle to stay on the positive side.

M and I were discussing suicidal thoughts and whether or not it is a normal thing amongst people. Is it common or is it strange to have them come up especially as an adult?

I have had them more recently, reminiscent of my darker unaware days. It is a sense of guilt towards those who would be left behind that keeps me present in this world – to be completely honest.

Yet, a voice inside says “Yes, but their lives would go on.”

While another voice says “True, but how would I affect the trajectory of their lives by not being here or taking it away on my own…can I live with the eternal or next life consequences? Or can I just push through to see this life by giving it the best that I can?”

Perhaps this is simply my ego talking – after all who am I to think I would have any effect at all…?

Often I wonder at those who do take their lives. What was it that finally pushed them to take action in such a way? What was the justification that gave them the sense of okay?

M says my/our brains are just wired this way – to be strong, to find a way through. My question is then – to what end/purpose? Why am I not yet fulfilling my life purpose? What am I meant to be doing or sharing with the world still that my mind says “No, it is not yet your time.”?

He wants to believe that everyone thinks about taking their own lives at different moments in life. I tend to think this is not the case or that it is a matter of degree in which the thought is given brain time.

I believe some people never even have it cross their mind once in life. Those people I envy immensely. I imagine some people may have had thoughts as teens during a first heartache or drama and then never thought it again because life does go on. Then, there are those who perhaps at some point in teenage years or early adulthood who faced it head on. Perhaps, like me, the pills were piled up and ready to be taken. Or, it was just a flash of a moment when an action could have ended it then.

However, as adults, we never really talk about suicidal thoughts or tendencies. We are deemed crazy or in need of psychological treatment – which still may be true – if we do, but perhaps for some of us it is just one of our challenges to be dealt with periodically. If this is so, then the answer for M is that “no, it is not common.” Yet, as we continue living we do find a way and a reason to get through the days until we forget these thoughts for this cycle.

As I work through this phase of it and look for my greater purpose, I come closer to realizing I need to share my story – in other words, write more and publish it for others. It is time. I am old enough to be heard and brave enough to let it out. Perhaps then I will feel and know – to what end.

Until then, I hold on to the bare threads with all the strength I have got.

~T 😀

Dec 072016
 

Well, winter is definitely here. The past few days or even the past week has brought in the moisture with increased humidity and foggy mornings. As I write this now, my view is becoming greyer and greyer.

There are times when I think about my Oregon life and wonder why I do not live there. Then, days like this come along and while everyone else might be reveling in the change of weather or at least diversity of weather – I am not. I do not like the grey e-v-e-r. It does indeed greatly affect my mood and although there are many factors to my current frame of mind, this definitely does not help.

Yet, in a way I am glad that the weather reflects my mood because it gives me something tangible to relate to rather than just what is inside my head. Also, it helps to remind me that there are sunny skies to return just as I know that somehow life will return to its high again.

So, while my brain sings “…please don’t take my sunshine away…” my heart soars a little more than yesterday. I call that progress! 😛

~T 😀

Dec 052016
 

My husband said this to me on the way out the door this morning due to my seemingly worsening mood/state of mind.

First off the season is changing. I know that sounds strange in a place like AD, but truly there are more clouds, it is getting cooler and I think there was even some sort of moisture in the air yesterday or the day before. 😛 So, it is indeed becoming ‘winter’ here, which in some ways is nice because I can be outside more, but as I do not have a balcony to get me out the door I have not put in the effort to simply get myself downstairs and outside. Or, like yesterday, out of the door at all. (Well, I did get out every two hours to go downstairs for laundry…. 😉 )

While I am generally a morning person and getting up early is not a struggle, I have been finding myself sleeping straight through until about 6:30am and then avoiding having to get out of bed until M has waited as long as he can to start getting ready for work. Instead of pushing him out the door so that I can start my day, I want him to stay with me all day….

Although I have things to go out and do I am equally happy to put them off to another day. For the past few days that I have been on my own, I spend it in front of the computer writing – which is good – but really fighting the urge to sit in front of the TV and let it suck my will to live.

Therefore, I think it is probably safe to say I am officially in a depressive state. No wonder my yoga business is not moving – I am stuck. However, four days ago I joined a seven-day yoga teacher challenge to re-evaluate my brand/business through an FB group. Yesterday was about how to align ourselves and way of life with our target audience/clients and the brand.

This morning I wrote three ways to align myself if my target clients are those who are depressed, have anxiety or are stressed (like me!).

1) meditate on goals and truly visualize them as success – what do i look like having reached those goals?;

2) get on the mat even when I am not “feeling it” – building a discipline and habit can provide the support needed when feeling down;

3) take time to truly relax – sauna, swim, veg out – whatever it maybe. Restorative practice works on the mat, but finding ways to release stress off the mat is equally important.

Along with my new daily Lord’s prayer routine, I need to add these three. Maybe then I’ll ‘buck up’!!! 😛

~T 😀

Dec 042016
 

For a few months I have been processing in my mind what and where my faith has gone. Over the past year of yoga teacher training, I have discovered the gift of meditation and seen a woman of strong faith fight to believe in the sutras – philosophical texts – because she cannot reconcile that the sutras are like the Bible – guides for a way of life.

Since the end of my first marriage I have pushed aside my religious faith in terms of social gatherings for the purpose of praising the Lord or studying His word regularly.

This is not the say that my belief has disappeared or died, but I have spent my time exploring other ways to look at God, the Bible and believing in a more holistic presence in the world. I have also spent a lot of time looking into my own power within the mind and by my actions. In the true heart of David, I have questioned and explored God over the years.

As I have continued to ponder these larger than life mysteries, I have also been slowly considering perhaps it is time to come back to the basics in Christianity – prayer, the Bible and faith. While I have learned how to control my actions and thoughts so that they are productive rather than destructive, I have been missing an element – presence of the universe/God within me.

Then, last week I got a writing job to research a topic that involves the Bible. As I began the work and found myself needing to reference my own Bible, I felt as if I was being called back. Already without thought I had been meditating in prayer and using the Lord’s prayer as a basis to begin my practice. However, I have been missing the regular input of the Word into my life and mind. When I picked up my Bible again to look up a text, I found that my hands missed turning the pages and my mind was eager to dive into the text. Although I still maintained a modern, skeptic’s eye, it was still somehow comforting to be in that mindset again.

So, again this morning as I sat in short meditation, I began with the Lord’s prayer. Somehow it felt different – more real, more true – in my heart and mind. Thus, I have decided that given the season I shall read the ‘Christmas’ story again. It is all in good timing as we decided this weekend we will be staying here to celebrate instead of going home as planned all year…. My heart aches a little and needs some comfort. Seems like a perfect time to renew my faith and find peace in the Word of God again. 🙂

~T 😀

Dec 032016
 

One of my favorite genres of music is country. Yes, it is true. It is not something I advertise widely given such strong feelings people have either for or against it. However, it truly makes me happy, move my feet and want to dance.

Before summer, we went quite a few times to ‘Country Night’ which is dj’d by a colleague of M’s who is Welsh. He really does an amazing job of putting a good mix together. Of course, I know most of the songs and sing my heart out. 😀

After summer, the interested died down and we had not been able to go. Therefore, the nights have changed from weekly to monthly. Last night was November’s  Country Night. It was so much fun!!!!

We danced, we drank, we laughed and I avoided having to get on the mechanical bull. M was the first on and then our new friends gave it a go. For me…not so much. 😛 It was a good time providing a few moments of bliss forgetting our woes and challenges of life. Country music makes me feel at home and think about life a bit more simply.

So, I am feeling as if there will be more country on the stereo now! Poor M! 😉

~T 😀

 Posted by at 09:28
Dec 022016
 

It has been a while since there has been any development about my birth family search. In all honesty I had put it on the back burner to simmer until I was ready to do anything else or until something else came up.

Back in August of last year, I posted on the results of a DNA test taken by my potential aunt. They were negative. I agreed to leave her alone from that point forward when she was no longer willing to answer questions that I had as it still seemed quite odd that the adoption agency in Korea had no doubts that it was her family that I came from. Still, I wanted to be respectful so I stopped communication with her.

Before she had agreed to all of this, I had done a bit of digging on FB for the daughters of the woman who is said to be my birthmother. She had two with the American man she married. I sent them both an FB message privately and did not receive any responses due to FB’s filtering system.

In June of this year, I did reach out to the man she married (the girls’ father) whom I also found on FB. Again, it was a long shot that it would even get seen.

Well, it did just the other day. One of the daughters sent me a message saying her father had gotten my message and then she checked hers. She said she was happy to answer any questions if she could. We have had a quick chat, but she does not know much more than what I know – unfortunately. There is one possible action, but she is pondering it for now.

In the meantime, her aunt HS is upset. Why?! I received a message from her basically threatening me to stop ‘pestering’ her family. Perhaps I am not yet ready to see her side of it, but as far as I am concerned I have not gone beyond her wishes. I made my initial contact years before she was willing to help me. It is not my doing that now is when the contact has come to some kind of result. Nor is it against our agreement that I would not contact her any further. I understand that perhaps she feels as if she took care of the situation and now she is involved in it again – Korean families – but as I nicely explained to her – this is MY story not hers. I have the freedom to explore further and if someone else in her extended family wants to help me, then that is his/her choice, not the aunt’s. I am being as respectful as I can and am not pushing for anything – just asking what people know and offering options or looking for help where possible.

Maybe I am wrong in this, but I am not yet seeing it.

So, that’s the new ‘drama’ in this interesting search. The real question is, if she is not my birthmother then what IS the story that brought our families together…? There is a story there somewhere. There are missing pieces for sure…, so the detective in me continues to let the clues fall into place. 🙂

~T 😀

Dec 012016
 

Wow, it is so hard to believe that 2016 is coming to an end and to reflect on the year that it has been.

A year ago, we were 20 days from getting legally married. A year ago, I was making my decision to quit my full-time job to embark on the crazy path of running my own business and taking my work a different direction. A year ago, life was layered with a sense of security and stability with excitement of what was coming. Amazing what a year can bring.

It will be exciting to celebrate our first year of marriage even with its rocky moments. We have stayed strong and in love. I am ever more amazed at who M is at heart and his own capacity to endure, overcome and press on. My heart is full with his love and presence in my life – it is beyond comforting to know that he is by my side for all the years to come.

I do not regret for a moment giving up my full-time work. It was making me miserable every day and although the regular paycheck was something I took for granted, I am definitely at peace with the decision to try something new. I admit that taking on the task of starting my own business at my age and in this field, but I have faith and belief that it will take off and by creating some other areas for revenue, I will be able to have a more than successful business that will eventually run itself. So, I am not afraid of the hard work that may be required – just got to keep pressing on.

On the other side, I will honestly admit that I miss the false sense of security and stability that I had. Even knowing that it was false because I still had debt and bills, etc., it was one less source of stress. I do know; however, that in the long run facing full on these debts and bills is the better way of life. Once we are ahead, we will truly be ahead without anything hidden behind it. So, despite all the years of having a steady income, I still contributed to the creation of our current situation by living beyond my means and ignoring the consequences that could come. Therefore, I face where we are fully accepting my role and responsibility in it by being extremely thankful for the experiences and travels I had. Now, we work together to bring ourselves wholly secure and stable so that our future experiences and travel will be even more rewarding.

So, as I look back over the past year as we enter into the last month of 2016, I realize that despite my recent struggle to stay upbeat, there is much to be happy and content about. Therefore, I shall continue to enjoy what the closing of the year has to bring over the next month.

~T 😀

Nov 302016
 

Maybe it just me, but every now and again, I consider our adjectives and wonder at the commonalities or intensity of meaning according to letters of the alphabet. For example, have you ever thought about ‘con’ words? Contemplation. Conscientiousness. Concrete. All these ‘con’ words connect to the mind.

Today as I sit to write my mind is a bit unsettled. As I tried to pinpoint how I would describe it these words came up:

*Anxious: I feel anxious. Anxious for the stress to end. Anxious about possible more changes in the near future. Anxious about the unknown really.

*Anticipation: I am anticipating the end of our stressful situation. I have anticipation for some new developments in my birth family search. I am constantly in anticipation for the next thing to come my way whether good or bad.

*Angst: Yeah, I have angst. Angst about life at the moment. Angst about life in the past. Angst about people. It this angst though that inspires me to write or to be creative. So, angst is not a bad thing – if used productively.

Somehow today it was the ‘A’ words that came up. Perhaps that also is telling as the beginning of something like the beginning of the alphabet. Or perhaps I’m just being overly nerdy about it all.

In any case, I need some meditation today methinks. 😛

~T 😀

 Posted by at 08:45